The Journey

This place in life is a part of a whole.  Of a journey.  A trip that has never been walked alone.  Though sometimes, devoid of those here on earth who get it.  Still, I have this Father who never changes.  Who stays.  Who carries me.  Who give CPR when I am nearly dead.  Breathes His very own life into me.  

Life has been so much harder than I have ever described to anyone.  I always wondered how they didn't know.  I think that I have been given a gift of making good out of where I am.  That is a treasure.  However, at this time in life, it makes it rather difficult.  Makes it hard to let others see how it has been without bad mouthing.  So, I have come to the conclusion that I can leave it be.  

I don't have to fix or explain.  I don't have to protect my reputation or even my heart.  I know for a fact that God has been there through all of it and he gets it.  He has wept with me.  Been there when I simply prayed to get through another day.  Another moment.  He has strengthened me and led me.  And even in this, He has been the guide.  Showing me how to trust Him.  How to follow Him.  How to honor Him with my life.  And how that doesn't look like what I've been led to believe by others.  That He has a plan.  A ministry for me.  A place for me.  A hope.  

I have been down lately.  Struggling through so many gruesome realities.  And yet, there is this celebration rising within me as well.  A place of great thankfulness.  

I know that it seems odd.  But I am coming to a place where I can be me.  Not have to protect myself constantly from one who is supposed to care...but who hurts me.  With words.  With attitudes.  With a lack of caring.  

I deposited my first child support check today.  I paid my credit card  I will be paying all of the bills.  And I'm not troubled.  A little "oh my gosh...I need to remember to...", but full of faith.  I know my provider.  He is great.  And mighty.  And willing.  He has made a way in life every single moment.  He's amazing.

This part of my journey is not easy.  But it is necessary.  So, I'm going to walk with as much confidence as I can.  I'm going to trust and have faith.  And I am going to allow myself to be loved.  I don't have to fight about things.  I don't have to make him do anything.  I don't have to control it.  I have been letting go of all of that more and more.  I don't need to give my husband anything to fight against.  And the thing is....God already has a plan.  So I don't need to stress over all of the details.  It will come in good time.  I need to be wise.  I need to be smart.  But I don't have the responsibility to make anything happen.  My responsibility is to live for Him.  To point to Him.  And to rest in Him.  My job is to let Him do His job.   This I have always believed.  Always.  My marriage nearly took away that very foundation of my being.  

Talking to my kids, I realized that there are things and ideas and beliefs that I want to impart that I was held back from.  And now I won't be.

This is......an opportunity.  I will not waste it.  I will use it to glorify that One who is giving me a chance to really live again.  To give again.  

And I think.........I'm gonna fly!  

That break down was hard.  Remembering how lonely the world can be.  How unfair it is.  And yet.......to be able to KNOW that though I might not have a mama to run to.  Though I don't have her arms to fall into.  I have the One who gets me.  And He will provide....even those who will get it and walk with me.  He will not leave me alone.  He will and has comforted.  

I'm seeing hope.  Yep.  Even in the midst of all of this.

grace.