Love it.

I love how God always brings right in front of me what I'm learning....
I have been learning to find my unique purpose and going for it.  Every day.  A little at a time. I might die before I ever get there, but what satisfaction there is in pursuing something wonderful, beautiful and full of what God intends.
I am so blessed to be carried by Him
blessings.

Priorities

I am spending time in life observing my priorities.  No, not setting them...observing them.  I am trying out doing what I want to do, feel like doing, spending time with whom I want to spend time with.  I am observing.  It's like research.  I'm looking to see what my priorities ACTUALLY are, not what I wish they were or what someone may tell me that they should be.
I find that there are things that I do, people that I'm with that make life really good.  Not just tolerable....amazing.  Great.  Fabulous.  And life is good.  And I was created to be in certain people's lives and to do certain things.  There are things that I enjoy and I believe that when I engage in them, others are blessed as well.
I spent so many years trying to make my priorities be something specific but it turns out that maybe I missed the point about what and who is actually important to me.  Not what should be important...what is.
I enjoyed a lovely afternoon today relaxing.  It was energy giving.  And that got me thinking about how important it is for me to think about what is important to me

I want to be authentically me.  Including be honest about what is important to me.  I'm not talking about being selfish.  Just being real.  Being genuine.  Not working to please.  Paying attention to who and what draw me.

I want to be with some people more.  I want to be with other people less.  I want to do some activities more and others, I don't ever want to do again.  I want to do those things without guilt.  Without holding back.  I want to see what comes from embracing the fullness of who I was created to be...without all of the expectations of others.

I want to love and be loved.  For real.  No holding back.  I want to give my heart.  Fully.  To being content in each moment.  To be fully present.
I am happy.  So happy.
blessings.

beautifully wounded.

kinda says it....

Doctor, doctor

The man that I wanted to "protect" last night because of his being sad and heartbroken and not having support was not a man that I was proud of.  He was actually someone who had behaved very oddly towards me as a woman when he was married.  He flirted.  He crossed boundaries that made me uncomfortable.  Yet, I know that no matter where he is coming from, he is hurting.  I want the people of God to start addressing again the need for a physician.
It just feels like you have to have your crap together or look like it's together to be part of organized church. No wonder there are so many fake marriages.  Maybe if people were more busy loving on each other in the reality of how life really is, people would find the strength in the midst of the support to make it.
It's not the church's fault that people hurt.  But it's also not just one individual that needs a doctor.  We all do.  We are sick.  We are weak.  We are frail.  We need to be saved.  Not act like we are fine.
I don't know the answer, but I'm glad to see people.  To be able to pray and love.  Maybe it will be a piece of my purpose.
All I know is that I'm going to have a hard time remaining silent when people sit and righteously judge and blame the victims...the downtrodden...the hurting....the wounded.  Seems completely wrong.
blessings.

Defender of the weak

I have found tonight that I am appalled by people's versions of how or why people should get support from their church. The prevailing view is that people have to be present, living up to expectations and seeking the help.  But, people in pain, people who are ill, people suffering grief, divorce...they don't have the energy to reach out.  They certainly don't have it in them to explain and make excuses for why they are not living up to a standard.
I am...saddened.  I said something in my ladies group tonight to someone who pointed out that people who "disappear" should not blame the church for not reaching out.  But, I disagree.  I feel that you shouldn't be able to disappear from people who genuinely care without them caring enough to be there.  Even if you aren't walking in a way that they wish that you were.  Even if you are hurt.  Angry.  Lashing out.  Drinking.  Plummeting.
Not that we can't hope and pray for people.  But, I think that we have lost the idea of the church body being a place for the sick...they people Jesus said He came for.  I think that we have gone back to being as the Pharisees...that we are all well and that the needs are kept "out there".  Certainly sin can't be within the church.  Certainly people in the church can't be suffering from abuse, pornography addictions, drug addictions, lack of intimacy, loneliness, depression, being cheated on, cheating.  No. No. No.  Not in "our" church.  And if they are having such a hard time in their marriage or life, then why don't they show up more often?  Why do they simply stop coming?  Don't they know that they should be faithful?
It's a rough place to be.  I know.  I've been on both sides.
I remember a family that had a husband contract a debilitating disease.  They just disappeared.  They were abandoned.  I was a part of that.
I know multiple people who have suffered divorce.  Bad marriages.  It's all ignored or they people eventually disappear...or at least one of them does so that things can return to "normal."
Tonight, a friend of mine said how this man shouldn't have disappeared from church all of these years ago...and shouldn't blame the church for not "being there" if he didn't stick around.  His wife cheated.  He had a difficult marriage.  So did she.  Who do you tell about that at church?  It's not a safe place for that.
I want to be a defender of the hurting.  We'll see.  I might still be too hurting to do it.  But eventually.  Because the world is broken.  And relationships go wrong.  And people die.  And grief happens.
blessings.

Growing up

I am finding that I have a lot to learn.  Relearn.  Figure it out.  I am not who I want to be.  I don't listen well enough.  I am bossy.  I sometimes shut people down because I get so passionate about something that I've heard that I don't realize how know it all I am sounding.  But I am learning.  I am not upset with myself.  I lived through a lot of shit.  A lot.  I am striving to do so much more than survive.  I am trying to.....thrive...to become who I know that I can be.  Thankfully I have friends who put up with the in between and even seem to treat me like I'm already there.  I love that they love me so well.

But, though they do, I still want to grow.  I want to be fruitier..you know, love joy peace patience goodness faithfulness gentleness and self control....fruits of the spirit.  Living and breathing not religiously, but deeply knowing that every breath comes from Him that all things, including me, are held together by Him.  And in being that close to Him...not just studying about Him, but by abiding in Him.....I want to begin to show His character in the world.  Not so I'll be popular.  Not so that I'll be more acceptable.  Not so that the religious ones will point at me and be proud.  Nope.  Somehow I've changed...I want it so that people will see what a mess I am and have been and point to Him and know that He CAN do anything and can LOVE anyone.  Even me.

I want to live happy.  Yes, joyful.  That part that is inside...but also...happy.  A happy heart makes the face cheerful.  A heart that knows that it is forgiven.  A heart that knows that it doesn't have to and cannot possibly earn grace or love.  A heart that is at peace.  A heart that is infused with joy and hope.  How can one like this help but also be.....happy?

Free.  Unhindered.  Untroubled.  

Breathing.  Laughing.  Dreaming.  Open.  Vulnerable.

I want to LIVE.  I want to live big.  I want to give without thought.  Serve without regret.  I want to meet my own needs AND go into the world and make a difference.  I want to look and see and taste and know that God is good.  

I lost my heart for a long time.  I gave it to someone who didn't take care of it.  Who had a knack for causing me to be invisible, without a voice.  I have found and am finding my voice.  I still feel invisible sometimes, but time will help.  I have to learn new habits.  I have practiced the old ones for so long....protecting his heart and forgetting that I should be able to be protected too.  

I am growing up.  In all of the best ways.  I'm loving it.  I am happy.

blessings to you.

and this....

god is so good to keep reminding me.  this one made me break out in a smile as i was scrolling down my facebook page!  all i could think was, "god, wow....you are so good to me."

at just the right time...

things come just when i need them.  i don't need a knight.  i don't need someone to cheer me on.  i need to learn to be my own champion...to believe in the me that God made and believes in.

grace to you.

Inadequate

Some days I feel like I used to.  Inadequate.  That is how my ex seemed to like to see me feel.  Made him feel better.  To be the responsible one.  To be better.  Most of the time, I am over it.  I just figure that I am who I am.  Period.

But today was really busy.  And I have a lot going on at school.  And I'm trying to keep up at home.  And.  And.  And.  And on top of it all, I signed up for a professional development course and THEN found out that it is being run like a three credit college course.

I was feeling overwhelmed.  Conferences upcoming at school.  Booked my daughter's birthday overnight on the night that I have conferences!  Spent the day making alternative arrangements with parents.  Then went to the class.  After having read the class syllabus.  And I felt....stupid.  Unorganized.  Not as good as everyone else.  I was embarrassed.

Just felt like everyone but me has life together.  I started the lousy self talk.  I didn't feel fearless.  I felt beaten.  Down.  Hurt.  I felt just like I felt all of those years.  Too much.  No support.  No hugs.  No encouragement.  Aaaahhhhh!

But, I stopped.  I remembered.  I got to doing the things that I could do.  I took down one thing at a time.  Grades.  Posting grades.  Figuring out how to do an online class.  Choosing what to wear to the symphony tomorrow for school.  And I was feeling better.

I'm fearless you know.

But, as I've learned...when it rains, it pours.  I got a text that said that my ex is singing at church on Sunday.  Sigh.  And he is part of life still.  Sigh.  Communicates with people in my life.  It makes me feel creepy.  Not mad.  Not sad.  Just creepy.  It was just ANOTHER thing.  In a day of things.  With nobody to say, "there, there, it'll be ok."

As it turns out, there is someone.  That someone is me.  God tells me to choose.  Choose how to feel.  Choose how to behave.  Choose what to do about it when I don't like something.  To live.  To love.  Not to mope.  To have good attitudes.  

So, here I am.  Deciding to be fearless.  Deciding to kick the ass of scared and defeated.  I am sick of living in that place that my ex like putting me.  He liked it because it made him feel better.  Made him feel smarter.  Made him...superior.  

But I don't have to buy it.

I've got to choose anew.  Though it's HARD.  Like a weight that I have to lift every day.  But God is here.  Lifting too.  But, He uses my arms.  He makes me build my muscles.  He knows that HE can do it...He is working on letting me know that I can do this too...in Him.  

I find myself being my own worst enemy.  Taking over where he left off.  Making sure that I feel adequately put down.  Telling myself that this is what I get for not living up to being the good christian wife.
But...then....I remember.  I'm happy for where I am.  I'm HAPPY.  And if I fail...at the class or at school or at home...OH WELL.  The world won't end.  It's no big deal.  It's just part of living.
Ha.  I win either way!!!
I am so happy.  Very happy.
Though a bit stressed.  Though a bit lonely tonight.  But this lonely is way better than married lonely.  I'm going to be just fine.

blessings to you.  and to me.

Just Sayin'

I want to clarify some things about my journey.  If you are just joining me, it probably seems like this is an encouraging and hopeful blog.  Back two years ago, at the beginning of the blog, it is full of ickiness.  Life was dark and painful.

I was troubled beyond belief.  I knew that my marriage was really sick.  Things were happening to me.  I was scared.  I was sleeping on the floor in my living room and not in my bedroom with my spouse.  I couldn't be heard.  I felt invisible.

But, if you have just come and are reading in the now and I'm talking about now and where I've come to...it could be discouraging.

It could feel like nobody gets where you are.  I want you to know that I get it.  I know how bad bad can be.
So...if you need to...go back and read a couple of years ago.  THEN, come here and read where I've been brought to.

Because that little bit of light has grown.  And grown....my life has changed.  But I don't want to forget.  I want to remind others that they are not invisible and that there is a little bit of light.
You are important.
blessings.

Wow. Happy. Beautiful.

This is a must hear story.  It's beautiful .  It's tender.  The man talking to his wife.  Telling her how he values her.  I have NEVER ever experienced anything like that.  I wanted it.  I wanted to be that.  But, there was not any way that he got that.  That my ex felt that way about me.  But, I love seeing it in action.  Hope that you enjoy it too.  Though it causes a sense of longing for what could have been.  Though it brings some "if only" feelings.  Bottom line is....it didn't work out.  That doesn't mean that there are not wonderful stories all around me.  I want to celebrate those.
blessings.

Courage

Courage is when you keep on living anyway!

I have courage.  I am moving on.  I am moving forward.  

And though I have every reason to be afraid.  Hesitant.  Troubled.  Worried.  Confused.  Scared.  Daunted.  I'm not going to choose that.

More than enough.  Not just enough...MORE than enough.  Over filling.  Abundant.  And that means....that I can rest in Him.  Pretty amazing.  He has all kinds of doors to open.  

I just need to keep my eyes open and have the courage to walk through them.  So many doors have opened.  Like my job.  Really...what a great thing.  Paid when I'm working.  Paid when I'm on break.  Benefits.  And I was TERRIFIED.  Nobody realized how close I came to bailing on the job I worked so hard to get.  But..it taught me.  He provided me the job and the ability to do it.

I just want to keep walking on this trail of fearlessness.  It is hugely satisfying.

You Cannot Fail. I Cannot Fail.

What would I do?  If I could not fail?  Because, I cannot fail.  I do not fail.  I try things.  Some don't work out.  I learn.  That is not failure.  Though I've been trained to think so.  That is living.  So...what would I do? 

What dreams would I dream?  What hopes would I hope....really hope?  What trips would I plan?  What plans would I make?  If I viewed it only as living and learning and not as failing?

What if I quit putting off?  Quit worrying about what people think?  What if I began to explore my world like a toddler explores a puddle?  Exuberantly.  Wholeheartedly.  Giddily.  Not afraid to get wet.  Or fall down.  Or get muddy.  Or lose a shoe.  Exploring.  With great wonder.  

WHAT IF I COULD NOT FAIL?

How would I live?  What would I risk?  Who would I spend my time with?  How would it feel?  What would I do with my time?  Would I sing?  Would I dance?  Would I get healthy? Would I run?  Would I jump?  How would I behave?

What if I just let go?  Really.  Truly.  Let go.  Not holding on to perceptions.  Nor thoughts of others.  Nor worries.  What if I relaxed and....let go.  And trusted my Lifeline instead of my thoughts and plans?

What if I trusted that those hopes and desires that are imbedded deep within me.  Those things that have lived in me for so long but seem...frivolous...irresponsible...silly...crazy....impossible....what if?  They are not impossible.  What if instead, they are actually the hardwired sense put into me of my purpose?  What if I've been listening to people and missed the fact that those dreams are God's calling to me...incessant....clear....timeless?

What if I start living instead of thinking about living?  Risking.  Moving.  Loving.  Giving.  Laughing.  Traveling.  Being still.  Writing.  for real.  

What if I simply decide instead of allowing myself to be led or convinced?  What if I choose?  Simply.  Clearly.  What if I try a new thing every day?  Even if it's just little?

Yesterday I went to church.  That's big for me.  And then, I sat in my exes seat.  At my son's request.  Not just in "his" pew...but where he usually sits.  I didn't see him at all.  I sang LOUD.  Maybe not well, but with gusto.  I sang the echo part on a song all by myself...not my fault if nobody else learned it that way. ;)  And I made a super healthy smoothie that looks pretty bad but should help with my health.  I need to take care of me.  I began oil swishing.  That's an experience to be had.  But, good for teeth, good for exzema...good for pain.  I need that.  I face a lot of pain.  

I've been through a lot.  But, I am ready to move on.  Ready to really live.  Though I move forward and back.  Life is like a tide.  But it is never the same way twice and never a waste of time.  The tide didn't fail the first time...it's just doing what it's supposed to.  As am I.  Learning what it means to have faith.  To live as if I cannot fail.  Because, I cannot. blessings.

Go boldly my friends.  Fearlessly.  No shame.  No second guessing.  Running to the plan that He has for you.  I'll see you on the journey!

Dreaming. In Real Life.

laughter....

A night out with the girls.  It always feels more complete when we laugh.

I mean, it wasn't incessant, crazy laughter as it sometimes is.  But it was just silly, making fun of life, talking things through, laughing at each other and circumstances kind of laughter.  It was the kind of laughter that heals wounds.  

It lasted in the craziness that ensued even as we walked to our cars.  LOUDLY.  It was midnight.  These "ladies"  are all in their forties.  And they were loudly making comments.  It was like everyone had given themselves to simply BE and DO and RELAX.  That part alone made me smile. 

And, no...we hadn't even been drinking.  Just some Sprite and some coffee.  A few snack foods that didn't include special brownies.  To my knowledge, everyone was stone cold sober.  But, there have been several times when I was out in public with girlfriends that we've laughed so hard and been so silly that people have assumed that we must be drunk.

My friends are not perfect.  They have crazy complicated lives. They have suffered a lot of pain.  They have faced difficult decisions.  Each one exhibits an amazing resilience.  A clinging on to hope.  Against all despair.  And...they laugh.  Not just chuckle.....LAUGH.  They make fun of the horrible things that life throws at them.  And it is healing.  Being with them is healing.  Even when it's also wearing...because of the huge emotional baggage that exists.  

But, they KNOW that they have it.  And they deal with it head on.  Praying.  Sharing.  Giving.  Laughing.  Talking.  Telling.  Speaking truth.  Being open.  

They are not consumed by the hurts.  Rather, together, and as individuals, with God in the lead, they take on the hard feelings and circumstances with courage.  With grace.  I am amazed by my friends.  I am blessed.

blessings.

Wishing

Wishing as a child is the same thing as dreaming as an adult.  It transfers seamlessly.  But, as a child, our wishes seem so easy.  Like they will appear magically.

That just speaking it would make it happen.  That somehow, beyond our control, things would work out.  And then, as adults, we lose that.  We stuff our dreams deep inside.

And dreams seem to be the things that we are thinking about that are never really going to come true.  That are just "wishful" thinking.  As our childhood fantasies and wishes.  

But, they aren't just wishful thinking.  They require work.  And prayer.  They require change.  And hope.  Happy are those who dream....and are willing to pay the price.  The price is not giving up self.  It is in embracing self and giving up trying to please everyone else.

I am learning that my dreams...the deepest desires of my heart....the secret hopes...are coming true as I let go of everything else.  People don't necessarily like me.  I was glared at today in church...multiple times by the same guy.  And inside, finally....I smiled.  I am free.  I can fly.  I can dream.  I can hope.  I can live.  Not just wishing and hoping for something magical.  Nope.  I believe much more firmly than that.  ANYTHING can happen.  I've seen it come true.  There is nothing that can't change.  Nothing that can't get better.  

My God knew that I had to get rid of fear.  That I had to focus on living.  That I was able to fly only if I quit looking at everyone else.  I had to focus on Him.  On me.  On life.  On living.  On my purpose.  On the dreams I was created to have.  On the place I was planned to have in this world.  Those dreams in my heart are God's plan.  And He will complete it within me.  There is nothing that can stop Him.  He is not discouraged by my place in life.  He's ready to move along.  So am I.

I want to change.  But I also want to live in the now.  Authentically.  Just as I am.  I'm a mess.  Just how it is.  But in realizing that it's fine to be a mess.......I am healing.  I don't have to hurry up or get it right.  I don't have to accomplish certain things.  I don't have to manufacture feelings about my ex.  I can just rest and live where I am and how I am.  

I'm just me.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.  And I am acceptable.  Not to others always.  But to God.  To me.  It was really hard to become acceptable to myself.  But, here I am...finally there.  Content to be me.  In all of the ways that matter.  I am me.  Beautiful, unique, wonderful, messy me.  

blessings.