I went to church. I talked to a few people. Not a lot...a few. But, I was brave. I kept reminding myself of what fearless should look like, feel like. Jaunty. Upbeat. Ready to face the world. I wore a skirt and a cute jacket. A pretty scarf. I wore stinkin' high heeled boots. Really cute, I might add. I stood tall. I sang loudly. I really tried to simply worship.
I got there. I was deciding where to sit. I was going to sit in a different place. But, then I decided that I would walk way up towards the front where "our" row is and sit with my middle son. Well, I got there...and he wasn't there. But my eldest shows up to tell me that dad says that I can sit with the family because I look lost. I had already decided. I don't need permission. Not at all. It was a bit draining. Ok, maybe a lot draining. But I did more than show up. I even talked to the pastor's wife.
Had company all afternoon. It was really nice. We had ham and taters. We LOVE ham and taters. But I have to say that the games were a little wearing for me as my one son argues and competes and pushes...has to be central to it all...and I have to remember that he is my kid that has always been the daddy's boy. I love him. I was just overwhelmed because though I like the getting together and interacting, I have some pretty bad memories of it from my married days. Now, I just have to make new memories. Period. Because my life can't simply stop having what could be fun times because some events trigger painful memories. If I face my fears, my pains, they dissipate. It's painfully wearing, but it will get better as time goes by. Today I took a few minutes and went in my room to recover. Just a few. While everyone was here. A breather. A being kind to myself moment. I am growing.
On a very bright note...I fit into a skirt and jacket that couldn't button just a few months ago! That's awesome. I want to be healthier. I want to be trimmer. Not skinny...just less lumpy. ;) Working is good for me. Regular, hard, moving around and doing a lot....real work. I am still a pretty sedentary person, but I can see that changing as time goes on.
Fearless. Thanks be to God for just the right word for me. Exactly right. It is blessing me.
blessings.
I got there. I was deciding where to sit. I was going to sit in a different place. But, then I decided that I would walk way up towards the front where "our" row is and sit with my middle son. Well, I got there...and he wasn't there. But my eldest shows up to tell me that dad says that I can sit with the family because I look lost. I had already decided. I don't need permission. Not at all. It was a bit draining. Ok, maybe a lot draining. But I did more than show up. I even talked to the pastor's wife.
Had company all afternoon. It was really nice. We had ham and taters. We LOVE ham and taters. But I have to say that the games were a little wearing for me as my one son argues and competes and pushes...has to be central to it all...and I have to remember that he is my kid that has always been the daddy's boy. I love him. I was just overwhelmed because though I like the getting together and interacting, I have some pretty bad memories of it from my married days. Now, I just have to make new memories. Period. Because my life can't simply stop having what could be fun times because some events trigger painful memories. If I face my fears, my pains, they dissipate. It's painfully wearing, but it will get better as time goes by. Today I took a few minutes and went in my room to recover. Just a few. While everyone was here. A breather. A being kind to myself moment. I am growing.
On a very bright note...I fit into a skirt and jacket that couldn't button just a few months ago! That's awesome. I want to be healthier. I want to be trimmer. Not skinny...just less lumpy. ;) Working is good for me. Regular, hard, moving around and doing a lot....real work. I am still a pretty sedentary person, but I can see that changing as time goes on.
Fearless. Thanks be to God for just the right word for me. Exactly right. It is blessing me.
blessings.
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