Fearless. While trembling. How? They don't mesh in my mind. But in my heart somewhere in there....I know that though I have learned to be scared, though I have shuddered and trembled in trying to please...that is NOT who I AM. It is how I learned to behave. I have a fearless heart. Because I am completely loved. By the One who made everything. By the One who always loves me. Always.
I'm afraid to go to a WOMEN'S event tomorrow at MY church. Seriously? How can that be? Because my ex gathers people. He schmoozes. He woos. He plays the victim. He goes everywhere I might be. He talks to everyone I might know. It's crazy. STILL crazy making. After being apart.
But, I am learning that how I've learned to feel is NOT who I am. I can go ahead and act upon who I know that I am and eventually the feelings will follow again.
I am terrified to go. I feel sick about it. For real. So many little logistics so that I don't have to feel uncomfortable. But..maybe...I don't have to feel that way. Maybe how they feel is their responsibility? Maybe so. Probably so. But church ladies want reasons. Funny, people at work just assume that I have my reasons and that's good enough. Not their call...mine. But church ladies...they want to have input. They want to weigh and measure whether I have just cause.
I wish that they would remember ME. The person that they have known for so many years. And I wish that instead of looking for my reasons that they would look at me..at who I have been...at who I am...and know that I MUST have reasons. And also know that...if they are good enough reasons for me, then they are good enough. Period. I wish that I had that. Really wish that I did. I have a couple of people in the entire world that are that way. That's it. Guess that'll be enough.
blessings.
I'm afraid to go to a WOMEN'S event tomorrow at MY church. Seriously? How can that be? Because my ex gathers people. He schmoozes. He woos. He plays the victim. He goes everywhere I might be. He talks to everyone I might know. It's crazy. STILL crazy making. After being apart.
But, I am learning that how I've learned to feel is NOT who I am. I can go ahead and act upon who I know that I am and eventually the feelings will follow again.
I am terrified to go. I feel sick about it. For real. So many little logistics so that I don't have to feel uncomfortable. But..maybe...I don't have to feel that way. Maybe how they feel is their responsibility? Maybe so. Probably so. But church ladies want reasons. Funny, people at work just assume that I have my reasons and that's good enough. Not their call...mine. But church ladies...they want to have input. They want to weigh and measure whether I have just cause.
I wish that they would remember ME. The person that they have known for so many years. And I wish that instead of looking for my reasons that they would look at me..at who I have been...at who I am...and know that I MUST have reasons. And also know that...if they are good enough reasons for me, then they are good enough. Period. I wish that I had that. Really wish that I did. I have a couple of people in the entire world that are that way. That's it. Guess that'll be enough.
blessings.
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