Now that I'm on my own. The paperwork is done. A bit of time has passed. People ask if I'm dating. And I am unrealistically horrified by the prospect. No way. I am just beginning to understand what went wrong. What I need to be and do. To enjoy getting to decide without being questioned nor ridiculed. I kid you not, every time I get to make a decision...even if it's at the goodwill....I feel a sense of giddiness. Overwhelming relief. Finally, I can live without always second guessing whether my decision will mean trouble for me later. With chastising. Irritability. Ignoring. Ridicule. Disappointment. Talking to others and making a point subtly that points out my failure...if only to me. I am SO enjoying just being me. Just being alone.
And, I confess, I have a difficult time with the many women that I look around and see not only dating and enjoying the company of men, but of having another THE ONE. Already. But, who am I to say how long is long enough? I think it will take a lifetime for me to recover. And I am not exaggerating. I am content to be this way simply because I brought my A game the first time. I prayed. I complied. I tried to submit. But there was no leadership. I wasn't nurtured and I wasn't even left with the time and energy to nurture myself. So, forgive me if I sound pessimistic, I'm not. I just feel...happy as I am. Getting to know who I'm supposed to be. I don't ever want to let go of her again.
And then there's sex. Yes. I said sex. I know..good christians that we all are, we don't talk about it, much less have it. And if we do have it, it's only in marriage. Even if we don't want it. It's our obligation. Our duty. Requirement. You know, I have only had sex with one person my entire life. And, it wasn't all that. It was ok. Especially back in those curious years when it was answering my "I wonders". But, really, it didn't meet an emotional need. It felt like I was always giving. Always expected. That it was about him. It wasn't really that fulfilling. Sure, an orgasm is nice if it happens, but the whole rest of the deal was dissatisfying to say the least. Emotionally painful. Just another way to get me to do what he wanted. What he needed. Wearing. Tiring. Troubling. Worrisome. Now, I'm no expert, as you can well see...but I'm thinking that it should be a little bit more of a connection. A mutual meeting of needs. Not just physical. But, if it isn't, then I'm thinking that the physical should be damn well worth it. And it really wasn't. But here I am in this new stage. New job. New people. And I promise you...these people are all having sex. Lots of sex. One is going out with different people, meeting them on trips or wherever and "hooking up".
Others are living with someone. Some are married. I had one friend get divorced and try all kinds of sexual things. Yes, a christian friend, with kids, with friends and people who cared about her. A regular person. Having sex. In the backseat of a SUV. A grown up. In her forties. And I can't ever decide if I'm appalled or curious or envious. I mean, I waited all of that time to actually have sex to find it to be dissatisfying and hurtful. I found it to be an act of simply having to meet someone else's needs and wants. Mine were met if convenient. Or, if it helped to make him more excited. Period. He would probably say that his love life was good early on. Damn straight. I learned what he liked. I paid attention. I gave. And it took me YEARS to realize that I was kind of an insignificant addition to the equation.
Really, his fantasies could have gotten him through. So, imagine my confusion about all of this sex going on. My curiosity. My wondering. I don't even think that I would know what to do with a different person. How in the world do people not feel like they are auditioning when they have sex the first (and maybe the last) time with someone? How do they know if they are any good at it or not? I really don't know. But I know that as a church we have missed something in what we tell kids. Because some of them just get married to have sex. Not a good foundation. And now, in my later years, I'm seeing people who are getting unmarried to have sex. While I am often curious and I always question stuff....I think that in this area I will leave it to others to explore. My personality would not allow unmeaningful "hookups". And I am not of the mindset to want to share my life and decisions right now. But, I have to say...ever so often....I wish that I was one of those people who would just go out and try it with a few people. Kind of like a sampler platter so that I would know what I like or what I want to have someday.
Yep. I love God. Yep. He loves me. But I am honestly curious. And somewhat confused by all of the boyfriends, dates, sex and lovely weekend get aways that people I know are having. It seems like it's so easy. And I have questions. No answers really. Just musings. Wonderings. When I see a mother of four or five pictured with someone else...or hear stories of how the sex is so much better....I wonder why I'm so uptight. Why don't I just go out and try it out. But...bottom line...it's not me. I'm loyal. I stick. I love. I give. For real. I connect. I need depth.
Although, if the sex were good enough........
just kidding.
blessings.
And, I confess, I have a difficult time with the many women that I look around and see not only dating and enjoying the company of men, but of having another THE ONE. Already. But, who am I to say how long is long enough? I think it will take a lifetime for me to recover. And I am not exaggerating. I am content to be this way simply because I brought my A game the first time. I prayed. I complied. I tried to submit. But there was no leadership. I wasn't nurtured and I wasn't even left with the time and energy to nurture myself. So, forgive me if I sound pessimistic, I'm not. I just feel...happy as I am. Getting to know who I'm supposed to be. I don't ever want to let go of her again.
And then there's sex. Yes. I said sex. I know..good christians that we all are, we don't talk about it, much less have it. And if we do have it, it's only in marriage. Even if we don't want it. It's our obligation. Our duty. Requirement. You know, I have only had sex with one person my entire life. And, it wasn't all that. It was ok. Especially back in those curious years when it was answering my "I wonders". But, really, it didn't meet an emotional need. It felt like I was always giving. Always expected. That it was about him. It wasn't really that fulfilling. Sure, an orgasm is nice if it happens, but the whole rest of the deal was dissatisfying to say the least. Emotionally painful. Just another way to get me to do what he wanted. What he needed. Wearing. Tiring. Troubling. Worrisome. Now, I'm no expert, as you can well see...but I'm thinking that it should be a little bit more of a connection. A mutual meeting of needs. Not just physical. But, if it isn't, then I'm thinking that the physical should be damn well worth it. And it really wasn't. But here I am in this new stage. New job. New people. And I promise you...these people are all having sex. Lots of sex. One is going out with different people, meeting them on trips or wherever and "hooking up".
Others are living with someone. Some are married. I had one friend get divorced and try all kinds of sexual things. Yes, a christian friend, with kids, with friends and people who cared about her. A regular person. Having sex. In the backseat of a SUV. A grown up. In her forties. And I can't ever decide if I'm appalled or curious or envious. I mean, I waited all of that time to actually have sex to find it to be dissatisfying and hurtful. I found it to be an act of simply having to meet someone else's needs and wants. Mine were met if convenient. Or, if it helped to make him more excited. Period. He would probably say that his love life was good early on. Damn straight. I learned what he liked. I paid attention. I gave. And it took me YEARS to realize that I was kind of an insignificant addition to the equation.
Really, his fantasies could have gotten him through. So, imagine my confusion about all of this sex going on. My curiosity. My wondering. I don't even think that I would know what to do with a different person. How in the world do people not feel like they are auditioning when they have sex the first (and maybe the last) time with someone? How do they know if they are any good at it or not? I really don't know. But I know that as a church we have missed something in what we tell kids. Because some of them just get married to have sex. Not a good foundation. And now, in my later years, I'm seeing people who are getting unmarried to have sex. While I am often curious and I always question stuff....I think that in this area I will leave it to others to explore. My personality would not allow unmeaningful "hookups". And I am not of the mindset to want to share my life and decisions right now. But, I have to say...ever so often....I wish that I was one of those people who would just go out and try it with a few people. Kind of like a sampler platter so that I would know what I like or what I want to have someday.
Yep. I love God. Yep. He loves me. But I am honestly curious. And somewhat confused by all of the boyfriends, dates, sex and lovely weekend get aways that people I know are having. It seems like it's so easy. And I have questions. No answers really. Just musings. Wonderings. When I see a mother of four or five pictured with someone else...or hear stories of how the sex is so much better....I wonder why I'm so uptight. Why don't I just go out and try it out. But...bottom line...it's not me. I'm loyal. I stick. I love. I give. For real. I connect. I need depth.
Although, if the sex were good enough........
just kidding.
blessings.
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