church day

kids are home with me.  i feed them.  take care of them.  keep their schedules.  i make sure they have soap and toothpaste.  telephone.  wireless internet.  i take them to coffee.  or ice cream.  i buy the clothes they need.  i do all of these different things. i am here to love them every day.  and i love them no matter how they behave or what they choose. yet.  still.  at church.  their dad thinks he has equal or more rights.  he thinks that he should be the one to sit with them.  he makes it hard.  really hard.
because i won't make them choose.  never.  not fair.  not good.  not kind.  i won't do it.  never ever.  period.
but today?  today i feel sad for me.  today i am grieving for me.  today i feel like the unfairness is just so....unfair.  he has never gotten to know.  never stopped and cared.  never went out of his way to be sure that they have what they need.  he worked.  made money.  we were fed.  but it was always held over us all.  and now?  now, i am not sure that it will ever be fair.  that i will ever get the time with the kids freely on sundays.  freely.  without him over my shoulder.
and today i am sad about that.