Well, yesterday I heard from a second hand source that my ex's extended family will not be coming into town for y son's graduation because my son was " a pain in the ass" at Christmas time. And, frankly, he was. But it wasn't all his fault. He was not treated well. Not even kindly. And, really? What teen isn't a pain in the ass to some degree? It just kind of goes with the definition of teen.
But, I was angry at this news.
Then there was more news to go as a side dish. My ex is refusing to acknowledge the divorce. Won't tell people. He is not giving up hope. Maybe I should rent a billboard? Really?
So, I found myself horribly angry. Indignant. Injured. Hurt. Sad. Emotional. Used. Disbelieving. Grieving.
With all of my kids around.
So, I "ran an errand" to Hobby Lobby. I cussed the entire way there and screamed in frustration several times. When I got there, I was thinking a bad word over and over and over and over.....then realized that I was actually saying it aloud. At Hobby Lobby. Yes, while the christian music played. I managed to rein it into my brain, get what I needed and get checked out. Then, I resumed my private rant in my car all the way to a friend's house. Then I spent some time sitting in the car with her listening to me whine.
Then, I went home and downed a single serving bottle of wine...really....downed it. Covered up in a blankie, turned on a show and went to sleep.
Woke up in the morning and emailed my ex that I was wondering who was coming to the graduation. Also told him about my vacation plans. I haven't heard from him.
I'm still irritated. Still feeling that his behavior is unjust. I am stunned that even now, he won't honor my own choice, my own decision, my own boundary. I am done. Done. Finished. I can't be bullied back into marriage with him.....and his behavior towards our son just reminds me of how self centered he is.
When confronted with how he didn't defend our son at Christmas with the family. When reminded of his failure...he can't remember. Crazy. Makes ME crazy.
But those these are rough days, I am still carried. Still loved. Still certain of what I want and don't want. And if I use the f word now and then...or constantly for a couple of hours...that will pass. And I have to remind myself that he behaves like a jackass simply because I'm a pretty easy going person and I forgive and move on. With him, that's dangerous to me emotionally. I must forgive. And hold a boundary. Doing both is hard.
Yes, it's rough. But I don't live there anymore. I get to choose different things for my days. I get to move on. He's a jackass. Oh well. He gets to choose how to behave too.
His choice. He gets to choose for him. But not for me. And I get to choose how I act. I choose nice. But not naive. Not a victim. I choose wise. I choose kind.
Rough days. They pass.
blessings.
But, I was angry at this news.
Then there was more news to go as a side dish. My ex is refusing to acknowledge the divorce. Won't tell people. He is not giving up hope. Maybe I should rent a billboard? Really?
So, I found myself horribly angry. Indignant. Injured. Hurt. Sad. Emotional. Used. Disbelieving. Grieving.
With all of my kids around.
So, I "ran an errand" to Hobby Lobby. I cussed the entire way there and screamed in frustration several times. When I got there, I was thinking a bad word over and over and over and over.....then realized that I was actually saying it aloud. At Hobby Lobby. Yes, while the christian music played. I managed to rein it into my brain, get what I needed and get checked out. Then, I resumed my private rant in my car all the way to a friend's house. Then I spent some time sitting in the car with her listening to me whine.
Then, I went home and downed a single serving bottle of wine...really....downed it. Covered up in a blankie, turned on a show and went to sleep.
Woke up in the morning and emailed my ex that I was wondering who was coming to the graduation. Also told him about my vacation plans. I haven't heard from him.
I'm still irritated. Still feeling that his behavior is unjust. I am stunned that even now, he won't honor my own choice, my own decision, my own boundary. I am done. Done. Finished. I can't be bullied back into marriage with him.....and his behavior towards our son just reminds me of how self centered he is.
When confronted with how he didn't defend our son at Christmas with the family. When reminded of his failure...he can't remember. Crazy. Makes ME crazy.
But those these are rough days, I am still carried. Still loved. Still certain of what I want and don't want. And if I use the f word now and then...or constantly for a couple of hours...that will pass. And I have to remind myself that he behaves like a jackass simply because I'm a pretty easy going person and I forgive and move on. With him, that's dangerous to me emotionally. I must forgive. And hold a boundary. Doing both is hard.
Yes, it's rough. But I don't live there anymore. I get to choose different things for my days. I get to move on. He's a jackass. Oh well. He gets to choose how to behave too.
His choice. He gets to choose for him. But not for me. And I get to choose how I act. I choose nice. But not naive. Not a victim. I choose wise. I choose kind.
Rough days. They pass.
blessings.
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