joy

children thriving.
it brings me joy.
eldest raising a family.  bumps and trials, but still together and loving.
next one, living on his own, supporting himself, working full time and going to college part time.
next one, living in another state going to college, works hard, fitting in, becoming more and more confident.
next one, just beginning college and loving it.  called home and talked to everyone, i asked him if it made him homesick and he said no.....it makes me happy.
next one filling out college applications, loving on his sister, helping out and giving his mama at least one hug a day and got an academic letter bar.
last one, loving life, having friends, doing well in school, learning how to navigate emotional stuff with grace.
yes.  it brings me joy.  not huge things.  just very satisfying.
joy.
pure joy.

Carrying the Burden

I carried the burden of relationships for years.
Did the work.
Kept things running.
Pursued.
Made myself available.
With extended family.
With my ex.
With some friends.
And I'm not willing anymore.
That's why I had to write to my aunt.
I guess looking and realizing that it had been over a year since she heard from me that I was going through something so hard and not having heard from her made me realize......it doesn't matter to her.  OVER a YEAR.  Wow.  She treated me like I had become a drug addict or had become a stripper or was having sex with the postman.  She didn't treat me like someone who had endured.  Who had tried.  She didn't treat me like someone that she trusted.  Cared about.  Loved.
And I've changed.
I've come to a place that I don't have to feel mean towards people that I need to let go of.
I just need to quit doing all of the holding on.  It's not healthy.
I need to be close with people who want to be close with me.
And if they don't....well, it's a loss.
But I can't spend my life trying to convince people that I'm right.  That I'm worth loving.
Maybe I fear that I'm not.
And maybe I'm not.
Maybe I'll grow to a place where I am.
But some people love me anyway.
And I'm not sure how I feel about others that are going to decide to love me when I achieve some specific place in life.  I mean.....that seems a little superficial.
But I do feel like an ass for being so blunt.  And I also feel freed.  It's guilt and shame that makes me feel assinine.  I feel freed for saying what I needed to....because it's what I needed to say.
Not beating myself up about it.  No guilt necessary.
Nobody has to agree with me.
Nobody has to understand.
There are just some things that I need to be done with.
At least for now.
Because carrying full responsibility for relationships isn't right.
And no matter how much I want them, they aren't there if the other person doesn't want them to be there too.
Hard to explain to people who have had their families their entire lives.  Who have had healthy people around them.  I sure miss my grandfather.  He was normal.  He was real family.  And he wasn't even related to me.
I am proud of me.  Even if I'm proud all by myself.  I made me smile!  That's pretty awesome!
blessings.

at rest

i am at rest after my last post.  it was an email that i sent to my aunt that told me that she would "leave me to god."  that i would have to "go it alone knowing that that side of the family would not support me."  that she was disappointed because i had always been "something to brag about."  she said that we would have to "bury the axe." it was 13 months ago that she said those things.  she also said that i would have to prove myself.  well.  i waited.  it bothered me less and less.  and finally, i knew that i cold write and tell her what i needed to.  and i knew that i could say goodbye and not have my heart wrenched out of my chest.  because i have precious few family members.  and having none of them stand by me has sucked.  royally.  but i could finally see that if a year had gone by and she had never once taken the time to say that she cared or that she was there....then, she wasn't.  and that has to be ok.  and strangely, it is ok.  i am not all broken up about it.  the loss was of a wish...not a reality.  we were close once upon a time.  but not as adults.  sad?  sure.  but actually really proud of myself for standing up for me....and for those others that come along and don't do it "right".
happy sunday!

goodbye

You know, I've had over a year to think about what you left me with. And I have decided to go ahead and tell you exactly how you made me feel. You nearly destroyed me. You took someone who was in a fragile state, wounded, hurting, and going through something she never thought she would be and told her that she will have to go it alone. And then said that you loved her always. I don't understand your reasoning. I didn't understand what ax we have to bury. I got the message that I'm no longer something to brag about. But, over all of this time, going it without family, I've had to wonder. What made you feel like you knew me so well? I saw you sporadically. Since grandma died ten years ago, how many times did you speak with me? How do you think that you know my ex and how he is so well that you can assume that things were equally wrong? How many hours in all of life have you ever spent with him? I'm healing. I'm not severely depressed anymore. I'm happy. I see hope. And joy. And so I am simply asking these things so that you will consider them, not for me, but for others that will come along in your life. Don't shoot other christians. Don't assume that you know what is going on. Don't think that if they don't feel free to share with you that it's because they are doing something wrong. Maybe it's simply that you haven't been that close for awhile and it is intimate and raw. You hurt me. You basically disowned me while saying the words that you love. I know what love looks like. That's not it. You are a missionary. I have seen the compassion that you give to others. You spared none for me. Please.....in the future.....please, give kindness and gentleness first. Every situation does not demand tough love. And it was totally demeaning to be spoken to as if I were a college kid. I had been married for well over twenty years. I wasn't unaware of life or the world. I didn't walk away from God. I wasn't pursuing romantic interests. I wasn't leaving to live in some kind of sinful pleasure. I'm not needing a response. I don't need an apology. Not anymore. I left it for over a year. You didn't miss me. You didn't bother with me. You said quite clearly that I would have to earn your love by proving myself. That's not love. And it took me a long time to get over it and realize what saying those words means. I wasn't important enough if I didn't do what you wanted. Please oh please when this issue comes up again with someone else, be soft about it. Prepare your heart to actually love. To bind the wounds. And not condemn. And never ever use someone who is dead and gone and dearly beloved to try and bully someone into doing what you want. It will only serve to alienate. You know, years ago, when I came to Japan, I thought that I was invited as a family member.....as someone special. But after I was there you told me that you thought that I'd be more mature and more independent. I thought that we would be family. Well, I grew up and I became independent. I didn't need you to make my decisions nor approve them anymore. And you didn't like that either. So, I'm pretty sure that we aren't that close. Words don't make people close. Actions do. This will probably make you mad, but it was about time that I said it. And as for not telling you all of the dirt.....people who are present, who love day to day, who are involved....they deserve to hear our stories. They earn the right to speak into our lives by knowing us and taking time with us. Yep, you really hurt me last year. But look.....I'm divorced, and the world hasn't ended. And God doesn't hate me. And you not knowing my story doesn't make it any less valid. It is a journey. I don't pretend to like all of the twists and turns. I don't pretend that I am right on everything. But I am where I am. And people who actually love me....take me where I am and don't "leave me to God".....otherwise known as "God help you.." which is uttered when people think you are hopeless. Well, I am pretty hopeless on my own. So, I guess that I can see that. But there are a few people in the world that actually like me. And not only if I'm doing what they want me to be doing. They are willing to walk with me when I'm being a total horse's behind. And I'll take them and count my blessings. Just wanted you to know. I want you to hear me. To think about it. To not wound another so deeply when they do something that throws you. I let it sit for a long time on purpose. Because I wanted to be sure of what I had to say. And now, I am able to say it without malice. And able to say goodbye kindly. You in essence said goodbye already, but I needed to get there. I finally did.

lord, do i make a difference?

sometimes i wonder if i make a difference
i am so...odd
different
weird
and sometimes i wonder
if i really make a difference
or if the world even notices i'm here
or simply tolerates my eclectic self
and i wonder
if i could watch life
my life
from above
removed
like a movie
what would i see?
who am i?
am i who i could be?
am i enough?
do i love in the way that shows people how wonderful they are?
do i lift them to a higher place?
do i cause them to know that they are valued?
do i give the courage?
do i cause them to become a little more of who they are supposed to be?
or am i a thorn?
an annoyance?
a fly buzzing 'round?
i wonder.
because that's who i am.
i always
always
always
long to uplift
but i'm quirky
different
strange
and so i wonder
is who i am
the treasure
that i find in others?
i don't know.
i don't worry about it.
i just
wonder

peace

sitting here.  playing with my necklace.  my locket that says "peace.  a new reality." inside.  thinking. remembering.  sometimes i forget how deep the lack of peace went when i was married.  i cover over it in my mind.  sometimes i even beat myself up.  i failed.  i should have tried harder.
and then there are these days.
in the rustle of the leaves.  the beauty of the sunshine.   in the quiet of my home.  the hustle of my dogs.  the smell of cleaners in the air.  the mundane things like laundry.  breakfast with a friend.  sitting  on my bed.  just the basic things.  and i have such a sense of relief.  and sometimes, i can't even remember why.
and then i remember.  i travel back in my mind to that place. like a bad dream that you don't want to remember, but can't quite forget.  that place where i remember trying to write what was happening in my life and fearing.  being so afraid.  to my core.  i remember the constant, incessant battle that was "relationship" with him.  the draining.  the praying to give more.  to be more selfless.  the longing to figure it out like others i had seen.  wanting to make it.  to achieve that place where joy was not extinguished.  where it was possible to breathe.  and it never came.  always elusive.  and the battles escalated.  and finally, i remember when i finally said, "enough" and moved out of our room.  it helped.  to a degree.  but still, that deeply sick feeling.  the constant unrest.  the difficult evenings.  the long weekends when he was around.  the relief when he would leave for a time.  i remember having a sense of terror.  of sweating with fear.  dripping.  hiding in the dark.  pretending to sleep.  i remember his emotional abuse.  his spiritual piety.  his using those i love to keep me in line.
and i remember when i finally broke.  when i finally knew that no matter the cost, i wouldn't stay with him anymore.  that i would never be with him again.  and how that moment changed me and gave me a courage that i didn't know i still had.  it gave me direction.  a plan. hope.
how sad that ending something would be the salvation of me.
but it was true.
and in the now. even with drama.  even with pain.  i find that i am peaceful.  sick or well.  busy or sedentary.  however i am.  i remain in peace. at peace.  like a safe shelter.  a place of refuge.
mostly i feel safe now  sometimes just the thought of him terrifies me.  brings me nightmares.  but they become increasingly rare.
people see him as charming.  they kind of wink at what he might have done "wrong".  he terrifies me.  at my deepest level.  without me thinking about it.
and yet i still feel guilty when he makes overtures towards relationship.  i feel as if i am being unfair. unkind. unchristian. and then i remember that he has DONE nothing to change things.  he has SAID things.  but he hasn't owned his abuse.  he allows himself to play the part of the victim.  he allows me to be the evil bitch.  and he knows that he does it.  he acts as if this horrible thing was done to him and he just doesn't know why.  and that scares me too.  because he steals people away.  they feel sorry for his poor soul.  and even those who are my friends, sit on the fence.  they might agree that he's an ass, but they cover for him.  they have reasons that they have to stay with him, be with him, tolerate him, speak with him, be cordial with him.
and that makes my blood run cold.  because they don't see what i see.  they don't know that they are weapons in his arsenal against me.  that he knows that the only thing he can possibly hold against me is relationships.  that they are the only thing that will tear out my heart.
but somewhere along the way, i found peace.  even peace in knowing that i've actually given up everyone.  most of them don't even realize it.  they don't know that it squashes my soul to see them with him.  they are trying to be "fair".  but how is it fair to associate with someone that you know did so much harm to someone you care about?  i think they just feel like it's easier.  no taking a stand necessary.
and i can say from experience....taking a stand hurts.  it makes you unpopular.  it causes you to be blamed for many things.
and i wonder how it is that i am so peaceful and so content even knowing that there's really nobody that stands for me.  not him, just me.  not equally, but totally with me.
but i am.  peaceful.  content.  brave.  and i know that for the rest of my life it will probably remain this way.  because they will never have to see the horror side of him.  because he will keep up the charm for them.  and use it against me.  he will give me THAT look....of "see, THEY like me, what's wrong with you?"  and it used to bother me.  now it sends chills down my back.  gives me the shakes.  but i am not tricked anymore.  he uses the fact that i don't call him an ass in public.  that i don't strip him naked and tell the bad about him.  he uses the fact that he knows one thing about me.....that i am kind.  and as always, he uses it to his benefit instead of manning up and taking responsibility.  instead of finding his own crew of friends.
and i am still...at peace.  because i know that i have nothing to prove.  i refuse to play his game.  and i don't even have a need to expose him.  "vengeance is mine, declareth the lord". i'll leave him to it.  as for me...i have a peaceful, fun and amazing life to live.
without holding back.
with a loving, open and kind heart.  even when it hurts..
and no.  i don't want him back.  ever.
blessings.

open heart

i have been learning.
learning to open my heart.
to say the things that matter.
to share what is in my soul.
and most don't even respond.
don't even care.
most rarely even look at me.
but, i've been doing it anyway.
i have forced myself.
to be vulnerable.
even at school.
with my friends.
with my kids.
to say the things that mean the most.
to encourage.
but to say what people mean to me.
and it can be quite painful to someone like me.
it IS quite painful.
because usually it just goes to the abyss
and i think that they haven't heard.
haven't seen.
haven't realized.
that i just walked my soul
naked through their life.
but then.
out of the blue.
as a surprise.
comes that moment.
that stunningly.
stopping
shocking
moment.
when someone that hardly even knows me
says
i missed you this week
we need you here
you are humble
we need humble
you laugh
we need laughter
we need you
and i am completely taken aback.
wowed
that my open heart
has found appreciation
and that though i may trot it out a thousand times
and hear nothing
it still matters
as people silently soak in the blessing of someone being real.
because when others are real
it gives us a chance to be real too
i often feel stupid sharing what's on my heart
but it is what i was made to do
and when i do it
god uses it
and though i don't often see it
or get any "return" for it
there are ramifications far beyond my understanding
so i will have an open heart
i will say the words that many feel but never identify
and i will keep on doing it
because words heal
and words make people feel valued
and words give courage
and words bless
and words lead to
THE Word.
and it's all about Him.
not about preaching
not about rules
not about legalism.
all about meeting Him
and understanding that He values them
and maybe it is simply that He uses my simplicity
to show His amazing love
and uses my vulnerability
my open heart
my risking
to show them that the risk is worth it
seriously,
i rarely have any response whatsoever
not when i write
not when i speak
but then there's that once
that surprising
awestriking once
that makes me know
that having an open heart
changes the world
my world
blessings

the week

i jumped from monday to thursday.  i barely remember tuesday and wednesday.  i was a sick puppy.  and yet i was going to try to be at school on tuesday.  and today, with my brain more alert again and my body able to go a few hours without pain meds...or at least, the pain meds actually work...i was reflecting.  i learned some things through my marriage that weren't healthy.  i learned to keep going at all costs.  it's not that i think that every sniffle deserves a day off, but real sickness deserves it.  and more.  it deserves time to heal.  my son has been nice to me.  ok, not over the top or anything, but i see the concern in his eyes and i have heard the words once a day....not a lot, but hey, it's more than i used to get...."can i get you something?"  and he lets me rest.  he closes the door.  he takes care of the dogs.  he feeds himself.
when i was married, my ex used to come and ask me what was for dinner when i was really sick.  and even if he was going to make it, i had to think about what there was.  it was hard.  i know now that he just wasn't able to let someone else be needy.  be taken care of.  not without recompense.  he didn't have compassion for me.  no gentle spirit towards me.  he did drive me home from the hospital when he needed to....when i was drugged from headaches.....and for that i am thankful.  but nothing was ever about me.  about my healing.
and this time it was.
and it's kind of amazing that i've been off of work this long and struggled with guilt but finally been able to overcome that hurdle and quit hearing that voice of not being enough...of having to keep going always....and i have truly rested.  it has been healing in so many ways.
the week has gone by. i'll be behind at school.  my kids didn't behave that well.  and yet....it was worth it.  i needed this lesson.  i needed to remember that living is the important thing.  not making every appointment. not being superwoman.  just being.  loving.  giving.  learning. finding who i am supposed to be.  giving words of encouragement.
ok, time for some more pain relievers.  head is busting. food. pain reliever. nap.  that i can do!

sick

i have been so sick.
i hurt so badly.
my tummy is bad off.
a dry cough if i exert.
headache.
eyes hurt.
exhausted.
chills.
yep. probably the flu.
i have spent two days home alone.  in bed.
i turn on shows...but fall asleep.
i sleep.
i wake up and check my computer to see that the world is still going. :)
then...doze off again.
up to bathroom...tottering. needing to run.  but not able.
my head reminds me that i'm sick when my body forgets...
aching and throbbing to any sound.
and yes, i've been alone.
my son did make me a can of soup last night.
i made myself some frozen burritoes at lunch today because it was easy and i wanted something warm.
huge mistake.
water.  i've had it.
no ginger ale.  that's ok.
no sherbet.  you know, from childhood?  that's ok too.
no car to go get it.  too weak to go in the store if i did have a car.
just sleeping.  dozing.  even when i'm awake, it's not fully.
exhausted.
in pain.
hurting.
and i was thinking about the alone part.
it has actually been easier than being married.
because he couldn't handle it when i was sick.
needed me to still meet his needs.
so i guess that this has been a luxury.
because i am able to simply sleep.
to order in dinner for my son without guilt.
it's a little sad to consider a life after my kids.
when there won't be anyone to heat a can of soup.
but...i'm ok.
i've almost made it through this.
another "milestone".
now.  more sleep.
grace to you.

breaking point

i know lots of women.
and they are strong women.
and they can be pushed.
and pulled.
challenged.
they are forgiving.
they are kind.
and their breaking points are very high.
but when they break.
when they give up.
when they turn away.
they mean it.
they are serious.
they aren't doing it to manipulate.
or gain something.
they have done all that they know to do.
and finally.
seriously FINALLY...
it's final.
i never knew that strong women
could be so strong
for so long
and then
even in the end
it is their strength
that allows them to let go.
to finally accept that they will never
reach a person.
or be seen.
or be safe.
but that takes a very long time.
and that strength
is oft mistaken for happiness
and often gives the others in their lives credit
and so
when the women walk away
they carry the blame alone.
and they do it with grace.
usually.
the ones that i know.
but maybe it's too bad
that it takes so long.
maybe those strong women should
stand up sooner.
say no.
all i know is
the
breaking point
comes in an instant
though it was enroute
for years.
blessings.

the weather

i love changes of weather.
clouds.
snow.
rain.
sunshine.
the clear cold of winter.
the hazy heat of summer.
the crisp, eye opening air of fall.
the slowly rolling scent of spring.
i love the weather.
maybe it reminds me of life.
how to prepare.
but not be afraid.
today i'm looking out at golden green leaves
against a grey sky.
the crouching clouds holding onto millions, billions of drops of rain.
with a breeze shuffling the leaves on the ground back and forth.
running.
waiting.
moving.
dancing.
because in a few minutes they are going to be
burdened by the weight of the rain.
held in place by the deluge from the sky.
i love weather.
even rain.
even after the flood.
i love seeing these clouds.
hearing the leaves chatter.
the weather is just like my life.
i can't control what happens.
but, i can be prepared.
i can look at the signs.
i can act accordingly.
i can protect myself.
i can...dance no matter what.
because each type of weather
has a music of its own
if i just listen.
so does every stage
and circumstance of life.
blessings.

breathing

some days i almost take breathing forgranted.  in. out.  in.  out.
but then i stop.
and i remember.
because i always want to be thankful.
for this change.
being able to breathe.
simply breathe.
it seems like it should be the norm.
but for a very long time
it wasn't.
so.
now.
i am taking a moment.
and breathing.
and feeling
reveling
enjoying
appreciating
each one.
in.
out.
in.
out.
without the stress.
without the mean.
i am glad to be breathing.
to live in peace.
to not be shamed regularly.
i am blessed.
and i never ever want to forget that.
i can allow him to fade away.
but i can't forget that each
breath is a blessing.
a gift.
and that i was saved.
blessings.  to you.

breakfast with friends

called three friends this morning.  got zero answers.  i really wanted to go out to breakfast.  to hang out for an hour or so before the day ramped up.   coffee.  eggs.  pancakes.  hashbrowns.  coffee.  did i say coffee?  i was brave to call.  i have a hard time these days doing that.  but seriously.  nobody answered.  when caller i.d. came out all of those years ago, you could wonder if people were screening their calls  but.  in this age?  everyone screens their calls.  just how it is.  how we stay sane with the massive amounts of data input.  hard when i feel....alone.  which i have.  for quite some time.
but, i decided that i can't do anything about it right now.  i'm in a transition place in life.  everyone else that i'm currently friends with is settled.  or totally unsettled.  totally unsettled one pushes me away.  guess i can understand that.  she doesn't think i'll understand.  i get it.  she doesn't see what i have lived through.  that's ok.  not her job.  but i'd still like to be kind.  then there's a married friend.  again.  those who are settled have other plans. and another who has been single for a lot longer than i and has a pretty full agenda.
so.
what to do?
put on a pot of coffee.
went and got a big box of donuts.
chose a show to watch.
will hang out with me this morning.
and here i am.
actually pretty happy.
not denying reality.  not pretending.  knowing that at some point i'm going to need some people who call me...seek me...want me...just my company.  but for now, i'm content enough.  happy enough.  and i am peaceful.
it was a reality check.  three calls.  three no answers.  maybe they were all sleeping at nine in the morning?  it's possible.  and it's fine.  and maybe they were hanging out together.  and that is fine too.  i am having breakfast with friends. :)  a pinecone, longjohn and bismarck.  choices choices.  gonna have to choose these friends carefully!
i am healing.
before, i would have been crushed.  sad.  feeling all alone.  unwanted.  now?  i'm fine.  not unaware that i will probably have to do something about it sometime.  but i'm good with my life for now.  good thing i cultivated a love relationship with donuts all of those years ago in college!  for now they bring me memories and laughter and comfort.
blessings.

Fear. Less.

I fear less.  I get overwhelmed.  I get hurt.  I cry.  I get angry.  I struggle.  I find things unfair with this whole divorce thing and the church....but I fear less.  Not just in regard to my ex.  Though, that is huge.  I have less fear.  I know that I can face the struggle and survive.  Weary?  Yes, but still...able.  And that's important.
I went to an event at church tonight that I had thought would be good.  My ex was there.  Saw him early on.  Sitting with someone who was kicked out by his wife.  I could try to say it differently...but I'm not sure how.  She really did it.  But, he ended up making her leave.  She did.  All said and done....he, her husband...is getting loads of sympathy.  My ex is one of them.  He was sitting all cozy with him when I first saw them.  And...he glared at me.  It was odd.  Generally he gives a fake smile.  But the look was not an attempt at nice.  I was glad that it wasn't fake.  But it made me wonder about the change.  Oh well.
I went.  It was worth hearing.  Except for a few parts.  Like how men want to mean something and that they act up if they don't feel like they do...and that women want to feel beautiful and they act up if they don't feel like they are.  Really?  That view of women is odd to me.  I think that they are made in the image of God as well.  Right?  Beauty?  That's what they want?  What about character?  Or kindness?  Or grace?  What about a gentle spirit?  Adventure?  Meaning?  It just felt odd to hear that.  But, I enjoyed his words.  Enjoyed his take on life.  Enjoyed his pointing to Jesus.
Yet, it was still a hard night for me.  It was much longer than I anticipated.  And there were some awkward things.  Actually, it was one of the harder times lately.  But, here I am.  Alive.
I fear less.  Though I'm not always fearless.  My heart races.  My mind wonders.  But, overall, I just do it anyway.
But still....he has sure made it as hard as possible.
blessings.

this journey

i am really hard on myself.
not in a belittling way.
in a "grow up and learn and change and become" sort of way.
i want to be so much.
i want to find how to live the life that is before me with grace.  and fun.  and laughter.  and support.  and tears.  and just.....in a real, genuine, vulnerable way.
but i'll tell you what.
those that invalidate.  who refuse to hear.  who fail to try to understand.  who sit and listen but haven't allowed my story to penetrate their hearts.  who are my friends.  and yet...somehow...don't even begin to see what my life was.....who diminish the extreme pain of my life in marriage...who silently stay on the fence between me and my ex.  never choosing me.  never able to fully give support because they've seen him and just can't believe that it was bad.  who, by default, by their silence, offer him their support.  and he LOVES that.
those have hurt me desperately.
and i keep coming back up.
like a swimmer in the ocean
wave after wave washing over.
but it's HARD.
it's BEYOND hard.
and yet, the same people want me to hear their story.
to feel compassion.
to understand the depth of their hurt.
to stand beside.
to CHOOSE.
and i do.
but here.
this morning.
for just a minute.
i'm saying.
NOT FAIR.
and yet.
i still choose them
still love them
will still stay
though they don't know what they've done
this journey i've been on is not easy
i guess i should have done it with more kicking and screaming so that people would realize
oh well.
i know who i want to be
what i want to be
how i want to be
i know whose i want to be
i'll just...
let this be enough
this journey
is life changing
so is theirs
i will hear it.
blessings.

a friend

i have a friend who is really hurting.  who has separated.  who has her husband posting everything on social media.  and is getting sympathy.  and she is suffering.  alone.  and she noted how this happened to someone else that we know.  and she was feeling so sad.  and i said, "i get it."  and she said, i didn't know that your ex got sympathy and you didn't. and....i was suddenly so sad.  because i've told her.  i've tried to explain.  and i've seen her tune out.  but i kept thinking that maybe she was finally getting it.  but, she still doesn't.
that's ok.  i'll be here for her.  i'll love on her.  help her as she processes.
but it doesn't mean that i can't feel sad.
because she was saying that the only ones she needs to get it are the ones she has relationship with.
and i totally understand that.
but it doesn't always happen.
for me it has happened very little.
big breath.
a few tears.
and on i go.
blessings.

early

it's very early.
and i am awake.
not nervous.
not upset.
not worried.
not unhappy.
thinking.
how do i teach it best?
science is hard.
taxonomy.
to ten year olds.
how?
today is a big test.
i don't want them to just do well on the test.
i want them to understand.
i want me to understand better.
to explain.
to prepare.
i have to slow down to get further.
i need not to be afraid to be different.
i need to dress up more.
in character.
get their attention.
i need to be who i am.
not who others are.
to give kids what they need.
and i need not to hurry.
or rush.
or force.
i know what to do.
when i have time to be quiet.
to reflect.
and so.
i need to give myself time.
to be my best.
i'm awake so early.
it's quiet.
dark.
peaceful.
yes, i'm tired, but i'm also
thankful
because god knew
that i needed these moments
in order to make it through today
time to get my thoughts
in place
to have ideas
to just be still
and listen
a beautiful gift.
blessings.

oh. sooo. tired.

i work hard.  but it feels like we are constantly being asked to do more.  to try more.  to implement more.  to think differently.  to rewrite.  to reconsider.  it's like constant upheaval.  and yet, i like my job.  but. i like a slower pace in life.
and that has been my prayer these last days.  that god would show me a slower pace.  a slower place.  because i don't function well on high all of the time.
i need reflecting time.  quiet time.  still time.  alone time.  laugh time.  rest time.  i'm not a workaholic.  i love helping kids.  teaching kids.  but i want to teach them to be well balanced.  this isn't balanced.
and the ex?  pushes buttons, but he's losing power.  i have a life.  a good life.
tired.  must rest.
blessings.

ten compliments your husband needs to hear

 Well, this is right up there with the whole "are you an easy wife to love?" article.  i didn't even read this one.  i just shook my head.  i agree with complimenting.  with uplifting. with encouraging.  but why am i starting to feel like the pressure is put upon women to make all right in the world?  to make everyone feel good about themselves while making sure that everyone feels good about us by being the "right" woman.  i find it a travesty.  i find it sickening.  it's not the right message.  marriage is TWO.  two giving.  two learning.  two lifting up.  two finding their way.
sensitive because i went this route.  i tried it.  i heard that all would be well if i would just do these things....it doesn't always work out that way.
http://familyshare.com/10-compliments-your-husband-needs-to-hear
marriage is about learning to know a person.  about opening up.  about intimacy.  there's not a formula.  and even if you let your husband hear these ten compliments, even if you are "easy to love"....in abusive, unhealthy situations, it's not enough.
blessings.

tardy

my ex is tardy on his payment.  again.  yes, it's only due today.  but it says BY today...not sometime after today.  it irritates me because i've been tying so hard to keep up on having ALL of my bills paid by this time of the month and so it's a low checking account by the time i get to this day.  i've paid every bill.  bought groceries.  bought the kids the clothes they needed for school.  i was frugal.  i was looking forward to depositing today.  but...no.
he could pay it all at the beginning of the month.  he could.
he won't.
he does what he has to do.
at least he does that.
but what's up with being late all of the time?  it feels like the passive aggressive from when we were married.  "i'll do it, but i'll make it hard...".
and while it's irksome.  tiresome.  wearying.  irritating. troubling.  annoying.
it's what should be expected and it's no big deal.
i can just let it go.
and remember to keep my accounts covered. :)
three and a half years and i won't take his money.
and i won't have to have contact.
done.
ah.
blessings.

Fearless

been awhile my friend, my dear Fearless.  you have walked silently by me for most of a year.  today, i am celebrating your voice.  your choice.  you have given me something invaluable.  you have given me a real life.
today i am dressed in clothes that clash...a lot...with hair that is crazy.  i am silly.  i am going to work.  risking being the only one.  and i don't even care.  at all.  i want to make my students smile.  i want to live with joy and kindness.  i want laughter.
and you brought me those things, my dear friend.
you allowed them in.
i am glad that i chose you.
thank you for choosing me.

Stop.

Stop.
When it's time.
Rest.
Shut off.
Wind down.
Rest.
Go full speed.
Do your best.
Work hard.
Give all
Until you know it's time
Then
STOP
You'll never
Be done
With everything.
Ever.
In any venue.
Home.
Cleaning.
Maintenance.
Work.
Paperwork.
Filing.
Laundry.
Dusting.
Mowing.
Grading.
Meetings.
Job.
Never finished.
But it's ok to be done.
That is the lesson I am having to learn well.
To realize that my purpose is not to do everything.
But to be.
Me.
Uniquely.
As I was made to be.
So I have to rest.
Get away.
Breathe.
Give myself a break when I need a break.
That means working
hard enough
to really need it.
I am learning that too.
Not to be lazy.
To live.
Show up.
Do.
And be.
Me.
And right now.
Me.
I.
Need.
to
Stop.
Rest.
Renew.
I am proud of me.
I did well.

Are you a wife who is easy to love???

This article popped up on my facebook because I like a site called familyshare.  However, in some deep part, I find the article repulsive.  I am weary of people asking if a woman is easy to love.  Easy?  No.  Damn no.  Worth it?  Definitely. It seems like the church and perhaps even the world in general is promoting women who exalt their mates without expectation nor support being given in return.  I totally get what they mean.  I tried to do it.  Until it nearly decimated me.  Because it's not what God intends.  Different roles. Not different levels.  I wasn't going to share this.  But I've been thinking about it and couldn't put it aside...so, here it is.  It's pretty innocuous.  I guess I just despise the title.  Maybe I am touchy about such things.  Probably I am.  But still....it makes me shudder each time I see it.
http://familyshare.com/are-you-a-wife-who-is-easy-to-love

To Be

To be real.
To be loved.
All at the same time.
It seems to me that is what people are looking for.
What I'm looking for.
Why is it so difficult?
The constant competition.
The judgement.
The sneers.
The misunderstandings.
The quick words.
The hardened hearts.
Because letting down.
Letting go.
Taking off the mask.
Unveiling the insecurities.
Is dangerous.
Nobody wants to be first.
Because instead of it causing others to do the same.
It gives them cause to feel higher.
Mightier.
More spiritual.
More together.
Oh Christians!
Why must we prey on one another?
Instead of pray for one another?
Why do we use our prayers to manipulate?
To show our goodness?
Rather than to connect with others.
With God Himself.
Why?
Because the vicious cycle is
That everyone wants
To be
Real
To be
Loved
And yet
nobody
or at least
very few
are willing
To start
With the being real
Until
They know they are loved.
And it's a risk
To love someone with frailties
may look as those
We condone them
And others may then think
That we have the same weaknesses
So goes the desire.
Thwarted in this
Broken world.
The need
To be.
Real.
Loved.
blessings to you.

Socially Awkward

Maybe I'm not really in a good place to be with people.  Perhaps it's simply me that makes people not want to be with me.  I don't mean to be ornery or troublesome...but I am seeing that I am and that I still have a whole lot to work on.  It's hard to need to be with people and need to talk about stuff but also to realize that perhaps I'm not in a good place as far as being nice.  I don't feel mean.  I don't feel like picking on or anything.  I think I'm simply raw.  And being silly helps to bridge that gap when sharing isn't possible.
Weird weekend.
I've had so very much stress.  It often feels discounted by most.  The depth of being without support is lost on people.  The fact that there is nobody for me to say, "please do this with me."  The sense that nobody gets how much it hurts to have been found so lacking in marriage that I was treated as I was....even the parts that are his "fault" don't make me feel better.  I joke about wearing a red D to let people know.  But it feels like it.
And I feel alone still
I was so happy to get together with girlfriends tonight.  My stress level has been sky high.  I guess that I handle it better than it feels like since people don't really notice.
But, I have to learn to be less socially awkward.  I'm not doing very well at conversations nor at being kind.
And people can't cut me slack forever.
I really wish there was someone in the world that I could just go, "help me!" So much data to enter.  I'm not kidding.  It's overwhelming.  I am doing my job like a boss....as far as being with the kids and teaching them.  But this other part is kicking my butt.
I have a definite connection in my life to stress and not being able to interact appropriately.  I need to realize that and be more careful.
Life's all about learning and growing.
blessings.

Do It Anyway

I went for my drive.  It wasn't the same as having that relational thing.  It wasn't the same at all.  But it was beautiful.  And full of happy memories.  And I did it anyway.  Which is a very cool thing to go ahead and do.
And as I prayed  And drove.  And walked.  And took photos.  I realized that more living would be nice.  Out there doing some stuff.  Even if I do it by myself.  Living my life instead of watching computer lives.  Enjoying beauty.  Taking time for pleasure.  Because frankly, I work too much.
It was a nice day.  A nice drive.  The beauty was fabulous.
I did it.
Another thing.
Bet grandpa would have been proud.
Glad he taught me so many good things.
blessings.

Grandpa

hi grandpa,
missing you today.  maybe it's the fall in the air.  the trees changing.  miss hearing you say, "let's take a drive."  it wasn't the drive, i know now...it was the relationship, the getting away, the making time in the middle of the busy.  you made me feel valued with those words.
and i wish that i still had that to do.  i almost went alone last weekend, but it's not the drive, i know.  it's the togetherness with someone who wants to spend time.  you wanted to.  you did it.  it made me so happy.  and we would eat.  and explore.  and just enjoy.
and you were not in a rush on those days.  and you had lots to tell me. no lectures.  just thoughts.  about what you had learned.  and you would ask me good questions.  and you shared faith.  and you laughed.  told jokes from reader's digest.
but, a drive with just anyone doesn't work.  so, today, i'll just remember you as i do my daily stuff.  and i'll be happy that you gave me such a gift.
love you

Every Day is a New Day

I think that one of the things that I love best about my life now is that every day is a new day.  New.  We don't cover things up.  We get them out and talk about them.  Not in some formal way.  Just as naturally as can be.  And so...each day starts fresh.  It is so nice not to feel the heaviness.  To be free.  To relax and lean into the new experiences...not afraid to make mistakes.
And I give this gift to my students.  Each day we start again.  A new chance to be amazing.  A new chance to make good.  A new chance to try things.  And maybe fail.  And maybe succeed.  But knowing that there's a place for them.
It's a part of who I am.  It's part of the encourager.
I love the new.
I love the weightlessness.
I am blessed.
And though so many things are hard...this one little part of my life has made all of the difference.
Resolving things and not carrying them over
I can breathe.
I am happy.
blessings.

what matters

so many things pull at me.  drag on me.  there are so many expectations.  things that need done.  supposedly "need" done.
but what' important?
really.
not what have people made important.
not what is being advertised.
not what is being promoted.
what is actually important.
truly.
loving.
encouraging.
people.
relationship.
learning.
doing what we are strong at.
believing that god's purpose for us is enough.
and being comfortable in that.
bottom line.
it's about being confident in who we were created to be without being dragged down by the thousands of things we are not accomplishing.
i teach.
kids.
not standards.
not paperwork.
not data.
people.
and that is what i do really well.
so i'm going to focus on that for now.
and take a breath.
blessings.

fried

today.  just for the moment.  i'm fried.  i am not just tired, i am done.  i need to give myself some regroup time.
for the last months, with college and airline tickets and new dishwasher and back to school and......yes, all of the expenses...it has been hard.  and with the ex doing what he is required, but not making his payments "by" the due date, but rather slightly late or more....it has made things stressful.  i am not a money complainer.  i am thankful.  i have enough.  but, it is just another thing at the moment.
and my house is always a mess.  though i've really been striving to do so much better.  to be intentional.  and to do more maintenance stuff as well.  but...always behind.
and my job is a blessing.  i am so thankful to get to do something purposeful.  but it's also really hard this year.  a new teammate.  less laughter.  kids that are really tough.  computer woes about my grades disappearing.  having to learn a new ILP process.  more meetings.  and did i mention that the kids are really wearing?  i am good at doing that.  i keep reminding myself that they are the point...but why doesn't it feel that way??
and the government shut down.
and there was a flood with lots of hurting people around.
and i have to carry so much of that emotion for people at work.  they can't express it.
and the ex doesn't build relationships with the kids and that makes me mad.
and.
and.
and.
i'm just tired.
and i don't have a mommy to talk to.
or an aunt.
or a grandma.
and.  i am ok.
and i know how to take care of myself.
and i know what to do.
and i will be fine.
but it's ok to say that it's hard.
ok to hurt.
ok to cry.
ok to have this realization that i was just as alone when i was married.
and to have that be even more sad.
i wasted good years with someone who took way more than he gave.
and now i have given up the "rights" to the mutual friends.
and so.....
here i am
with more on my plate.
with aches
and pains
and knowing that my health is what it is
and
STILL
i am so glad to be just me.
and in that moment,
i smile.
who knew?
i had no idea that as bad as this is that my marriage took even more out of me!!
and i never got to stop and give myself time.
wasn't allowed.
now i can.
i should.
i will.
blessings.

just a little bit

i don't require much to keep me going.  just a little bit of kindness.  a little bit of encouragement.  a little bit of thoughtfulness.  that got me in trouble in marriage.  because i need so little he found that he could give very little to make me happy.  nothing like living trying to give the bare minimum.  though it wasn't good maritally, it is something that serves me well.
i don't require but a few kind words.  a wee tad of gentleness.  and i go far on it.
i'm like a hybrid car.  great mileage out of the smallest things.
i had one person today that wrote that she would smack anyone who she found that wasn't talking to me anymore.  and another that stood in support.  and another that ate ice cream with me.  and it filled me up.  it really doesn't take much.
but still, i don't get why he draws folks.  i don't get why i have to share my friends.  i don't try to horn in on his friends.  guess i shouldn't be shocked though...it was always that way.
but today helped.
cried less today.
that's a good thing.
crying isn't always bad.  it is also healing.
i find that i'm happy....and i cry.
just how it is at this stage of life circumstances.
blessings.

fare thee well.

I thought that some things would hold strong.  Thought that I had built some relationships that would be able to say the words, "hey sweetie, I always choose you.....let me slam him in the nuts for you..." or something else encouraging.  But what I've learned is that I have had to learn to be more and more understanding.  I've had to grow up.  And I've had to learn to be ok with crying alone.  Learn to say what I need to say and find that there's no comfort because people can't always give or do or be what we long for.  And though it isn't easy, it's a fact.  And though it hurts, it doesn't mean they don't care.  At least they aren't fake.

But, some days, it's all I can do not to throw a little fit and say, "mine, mine, mine!He doesn't get everyone."  But I don't get to choose.  Every human being gets to choose for himself or herself.  

And the fact that it hurts me isn't a good enough reason for them to change their mind or behave differently.  And I'm so tired of it all.  Of having to be careful of everyone's feelings.  Of being polite when sometimes I just want to say, "do you like hanging out with a dick?"  But maybe they like him.  Apparently they do.  And that is so very hard.  Like...want to vomit hard.  Cry my eyes out.  Crawl away in despair hard.  Because by choosing him, they are not choosing me.  Because I can't live on the fence.  And while I don't hate them or even love them less, it makes me know that I really don't have anyone that will hold on walking in life.  I don't have anyone that says, "I choose you absolutely.  You are the one that matters and I will stick with you."  

Nope.  

I've really worked hard at trying to tell people how I feel.  And they do seem to kind of get it sometimes.  But they don't feel my agony.  They don't empathize.  They don't choose me.  They don't comfort.  They just acknowledge that it is true.  

My throat hurts from swallowing the tears.  My head aches from the pressure in my eyes.  I am fighting with every ounce of my being to be one who will be honorable.  I want to be someone I respect.  I want to wake up in the morning knowing that I wasn't a jerk.  Because I hate waking up knowing that I was.  

But it's a sacrifice.  Because I guess I'll just have to be alone.  At least in this.  I guess that all else has to be shallow.  Because he is ever present.

And believe me, with those I care about, I have laid my heart bare about how difficult this is.  And the words that they'll be there are not available.  And I have to walk away lest I weep and blurt out, "please just tell me that you see me, understand and are willing to make a choice."  But nobody is willing to make a choice.  Guess they all want to be fair.  It doesn't feel fair.  It feels vastly unfair.  Because by staying in the middle they condone his behavior.  They give silent approval to how he has treated his family.  They diminish my truth.  They give him power.  They feed his need to be publicly popular in order to show how good he is.  

But I'm tired of saying it.  Tired of the empty feeling of having to share everyone.  It hurts so deeply that I don't even know what to do with it. 

So I pray.  And I wait.

And I plan for the future.  

But what they don't realize is that they are missing out.  Because by choosing both, they are choosing him.  And one day I'll have faded out of their lives and they won't even have noticed because they were so busy being fair.  

But I'll find my balance.  And I'll walk on.  And I'll miss them always.  And I'll wish that they would have stayed and held on when I needed it most. And I'll tremble as I say good bye in my heart.  And I'll falter.  But I'll spread out my arms and walk on.  I refuse to live a life tainted by his deceptive charm forever.  I choose joy.  I choose beauty.  I choose good.
And I wish that I could choose some to walk with me.  But it doesn't work that way.

blessings.

silent support

people don't think.  or realize.  or know.  that when abusers seek support, they don't do it with a rally.  instead, they quietly gather allies.  or loudly gather allies.  but they gather them like ammunition.  and they don't read support as someone who says, "i support you."  they read support simply in the presence of the other.  in not being snubbed.  in being included.  talked to.  smiled at.  that reads, "i think that you are a good person."  and that is used against those that they abuse.  it's used to shame.  to show up.  to push down.  it's used to keep the other person in line.  to leave them alone in the world if they don't comply with the abusers wishes because over and over the abused is shown that they are not "chosen".
and for a long time, i did that.  i complied.  i fell in line.  i did what it took to hold things together for my kids.  i mean, you can't get rid of all of your friends when your kids are growing up.  or quit caring yourself.  you can't tell them that your husband uses them.  you can't explain it.  and the silence grows.  like a monster in a nightmare, the silence gets bigger and attacks the very soul.
the sad part is that people don't even know that they've given silent support.  they are just being "nice".  being "christian".  they are just trying to hold things together for themselves.  and without realizing, they take sides.
they don't know what they do.  and i'm not going to tell them.  but i'm also not going to fall in line.  probably why i feel the need to get some space from this community.
and why i feel such deep grief and sense of loss.
wow.  he's good.  pulls people to him.  makes me  feel literally ill.  i don't want to sit the rest of my life watching it.
i get to choose to actually live.
blessings.

yep. alone.

there are truly turning places in life.  moments that show me that it's time to move on.  today is one of those.  my ex still charms and delights.  still has a place in the lives of everyone i know except for my coworkers.  and some of them know him too....since he's with the newspaper.
and that has to be ok.  but i get weary of watching it.  weary of the fact that he uses every last thing and person to show what a good guy he is.  knowing him and how he works makes me hurt and ache and yet be unwilling to tell all of those around how it is.  i am appalled by him.  appalled by how he scoops up everyone around to draw them into his circle.  but the thing is...he doesn't do anything for them really.  just gets them to feel sorry for him.  and when he does something, it always has an ulterior motive.  how do you tell people?  you don't.  you suck it up and long for the day when his community isn't yours anymore.
but it's still not very fair.  i nurtured and created relationships.  offered hospitality.  and he reaps all of the rewards.  without giving at all.  and somehow he gets away with it.  and i get to be the person that is invisible.  i get to be the one that is ostracized.  i get to be the one who has nobody of her own.  sucks royally.
but i am going to learn who i am.  and i am going to learn what i need.  and i am going to move on in life and do what it takes to quit being invisible.  even if it is so totally unfair.  at least i'll grow.
but some moments......some people.....it's just too much and i want to scream.  makes me sob.  again...alone.  how do i get past that?  he uses people near me to cause me to do what he wants.  always has.  still is trying.
in three years my daughter graduates.  i need to start planning more seriously.  because i am not willing to spend the rest of my years like this.
he's scary.  and i know it. and deceptive.  he's a user of the highest order.  his drug of choice is people.
hard stuff.
but it doesn't destroy me anymore.  i know what i'm going to have to do. i have to make a whole new life.  and that stinks.  but at least i know that i can.  he has to hold onto everyone i gathered for him.
i know how that is....he uses them as either bait or as guilt givers, depending on the person.  he always used those that i cared about most to lure me into doing what he wanted by making himself near them.
i guess i thought that would end.  but really, it only increased.  that's why he's so busy too.  so involved.
while he's yet estranged from a son.  and disney dad to the others.  he still doesn't own that to people.  he still behaves as if all is well in the family.
he creeps me out.
sometimes....not as often..but sometimes, i get the chills knowing what he's capable of.  and for a moment i will wonder what he'll do when he really gets that it's all over.  when he is finally exposed.  when people actually know that he's not just going through rough times maritally.
and my breath gets shallow.  and my head aches.  and my heart beats harder.  and i go numb.  and get cold.
and i remember why i'm not married anymore.
tonight was a hard night.
but not as hard as in the past.  i'm learning to do and be what i need to be and to let go and let others do and be what they need to.
i will never be a gatherer of people to support me.  they can stay or they can go.  i won't manipulate.  i won't convince.
and i will find myself alone.  i know.
because it's true.
no family standing by me.
no friends that are mine alone.
i think sometimes i pretend it isn't true.  that's not healthy.  i need to be real and be true.  even in the most difficult parts.
they will pass.

Sometimes

Sometimes, even when alone isn't exactly lonely, sometimes in the alone, I see so much more clearly how I really am alone.  Much like the lifeguard stand, there.  Strong.  A refuge for some.  People who need.  Who have an emergency.  Stable. Willing.  Purposeful.  But, sometimes I have this sense that when I'm not needed for those roles, I am left standing.  Still alone.  Still who I am.  But, unnoticed.  Until the need arises again.  And it's not so bad.  I'm not whining.  Just observing.  And I'm not missing "having a man" because I felt the same way when I was married.  I guess it feels like I get my own comfort when others come to me for theirs.  And maybe that isn't for the best, but it is what it is.  Except for my kids.  They come.  They see me.  We connect.  But time is running away and soon they will be gone.  And what then?  Who will I choose to be?  How will I change what I have allowed for so long?  I'm not really sure.  And I'm not unhappy how things are.  But I know that I'll need to be able to get my needs met.  Have my heart filled.  Be loved and needed.  Just for me.  Not for my "rescue" skills.  Yes, a bit like a lifeguard station.  Unnoticed until needed....then a flurry of activity and then again, a part of the scenery.  Sometimes I think that I must just not be that noteworthy.  But I remember in the past having a place. Being noticed.  Not popular.  Just a part.  That ended many years ago.  And I gave my ok.  I expended my energy holding life together in marriage.
Well, good thing is that I love solitary days at the beach and that's where you find lifeguard stations.  Guess I'll be just fine.
blessings.

continuous

the grass keeps growing.  even when it goes to sleep for the winter, it is preparing.  as the trees.  the waves come in and the waves go out.  the world spins.  some things are continuous.  constant.  dependable.  the sun rises.  and sets.  as the moon.  and venus.  and jupiter.  the rain falls.  and evaporates.  and falls again.
cycles.  all around.  and within.
i find that my healing does not go in a straight line, but also in cycles.  work on grabbing back or making my life my own again.  and then....a dormant time...rest...waiting.  then again, back at it but a little bit further, bigger this time.
today i'm not really cleaning.  i'm working around my house to again take back more parts.  it always wears me out, but also builds me up.  like the little waves waiting for the huge, crashing one.
and i am happy.  content.

good

a hot bath.  really hot.  deep.  soaking in.  melting.  relaxing.  floating.  at rest.
that's what began my thoughts on all things good.  i laid down and i actually moaned.  it was pure pleasure.  time.  of my own.  to soak in.  to release stress.  breathing in the humid air.  feeling my senses enhanced and the scents of the soap and shampoo mixing to create  an aromatic delight.  my aches dissipating.  in a very deep pool of very hot water.  and when done...symbolically, drained away.
in my married life i didn't get those pleasures.  no time that was for me alone.  not without cost.  or guilt.  and so now....i want to take time and see the good. to revel in good.  to soak it in.  to not take it forgranted.  every moment like the hot, inviting, soothing bath.
sunshine.
clouds.
rain.
snow.
soft grass.
swaying flowers.
children's faces.
strong coffee.
tea with honey.
hearty soup.
down comforter.
midday nap.
anything. everything. good.  things.  that bring peace and contentment.  sighs of pleasure.
i choose to notice.  to be thankful.  to not take it forgranted.  not let it go unnoticed.
even in the most simple of things.
good.

ah ha

i was driving from the bank.  after getting my kids food to take to them at work.  and i had an ah ha moment.  i have struggled to figure out why it grates on me that my ex is involved in simply everything.  community, church, work, sports, whatever.  and i realized suddenly...because he sat in court and said that his job is so time consuming that he couldn't make a commitment to his kids. AH HA.  i got it.  he sees them.  he is nice.  he does stuff.  when it's convenient.  and that is exactly why it's not parenting.  parenting is not convenient.  it doesn't fit neatly into the rest of life.  it demands something more.  and gives oh so much back.  and while i will never tell my kids that their dad said that, the release of tension was huge.  the oooohhhhhh, i get it.  when i see all of the hours he spends on all of the activities, i know that the thing i knew all along was right.  that thing that nagged at me.  that we were an inconvenience.  in his way.  good when we made him look good.  or feel good.  but more like a side order than a main dish.
and that's ok.
because he's not on my menu anymore.  he doesn't reach out to his kids for their sakes, but for his.  his enjoyment.  his entertainment.  his company.  but when his needs are met, he is distant.  ta da.  you'd think i was slow or something.  when really, i'm not.  i just always want to see the best.  this isn't the best.  it is true though.
so, it's ok.  they will enjoy what they get and life will be fine.  in the end, it's their dad that missed out the most.
as time goes by, i have more ah ha moments.  and it helps me to let go.  to move on.  to change me in ways that i should.  as it should be.
blessings.

changing

we are changing as a family.  getting healthier.  learning to give better.  my son that never would give up anything monetary bought stuff for his sister and i at the grocery store.  he bought a new kind of fruit for us all to try together.  he bought butterfingers for all of us.  he had gone to get cheetos and i was in my jammies and willing to drive, but not go in.  but i was still going to pay.  and he argued.  he said "no, i have money and i'm willing to spend it."  wow.  that was huge.  his dad is a tightwad.  any time anyone says, "let me"...his dad puts away his wallet.  always.  and this son has followed that trait.  until now.  and i feel like he's learning to let go.  he still saves.  but he sees people.  he wants to be nice to them.  it's pretty cool to see.  him sharing his resources.
and today my kids started their october job.  every weekend day for a month.  nine hours today.  and though i like our days, it feels so very good to be in the house this morning.  so many things ahead of me that i have in mind.  and the quiet.  just....time.
a lot on my mind.  good stuff.  but change will be in the air in the coming years.  i need to prepare.  think.  and know that god will work out the best stuff.
i look at places to live.  things to do.  maybe i am tired of living under the radar in a town where my ex is so well known.  i don't need to be well known, just not constantly connected to him.  and these thoughts and hopes are...connected with what is also good in our family.  learning to let go.  to anticipate.  to be content.  but to realize that things change.
financially, in three years, things will be drastically different.  my ex will owe me nothing.  and i will still have all of the responsibilities of kids in college.  even more kids in college.  and their transport.  and whatever else.  i guess that i think about selling the house and downsizing no matter where i live just because i want to set aside a nest egg or invest in real estate.  i'd like to house share or cut costs that make things make more sense.  i've tried to figure out how to make my current home more conducive to that.
too bad i can't just have a live in house keeper!!  i do love my job.  not the data entry.  not the paperwork.  but the connections.  the kids themselves.  the true teaching.  it's marvelous to experience a young life finding hope or finding an ability.  it may even change the whole course of their life.  that makes me happy...to have a purpose.
my daughter and son left for work on bikes.  she had one of her other brother's bikes...hers had a flat...but the loaner is really tall.  her brother at home has a slightly smaller bike. i looked outside and saw them trade and then ride off.  it was beautiful.
i like my life. love my kids.  enjoy these moments.  and i'm not afraid of what comes next.  that's the biggest change of all, i guess.  life used to be so full of stress.  so painful.  any mistakes were cause for complete disruption.  and now they aren't.  we are all beginning to relax inside.  to play.  to dream.
it's good.
blessings.

hawaii

i've been thinking of where i could work to actually teach.  actually work with kids.  not a system.  not a constant data entry specialist.  hmm.  i awakened and began my application again to hawaii.  now, i'll sleep again.  i just want to teach somewhere that i actually feel like i use who i am.  my gifts.  maybe it'll be somewhere else.  some other way even.  it is just good to remember that there are choices.

the best things

the best things that i've learned are amazingly simple.  supposedly.
how to be me.
i know.
really?
sounds simple.
should be simple.
but i spent over twenty years doing my very best to hold my marriage together.
and being me was never in the equation.
i had to be who he needed.
wanted.
was happy with.
or life was
miserable.
but in the last year and a half, i have done a lot of learning.  and part of that learning is just to be me.  and to love her.  that's hard sometimes.  i still see how i fall short of what he expected.
but, yesterday i retook the jung personality test online.  and i am becoming more INFP than before.  who i am is slowly becoming more firmly embedded.  it made me smile. it may be the most "weird", "strange" or "unusual" type, but it's me....and it has its benefits.
studying who i am and how i am has helped.  putting words to why i suffered so deeply.
i have a lot to give.
i do give.
and in marriage, i gave and gave and gave.
but what it has taught me is that giving when it's not received just means that the gift has no value to the recipient. it took being out of hard times to find out about balance.  to find out how i work.
but without those hard years, i would never have seen so clearly.
those twenty years stressed me.  they didn't bring out the best in me.  i did good things.  good actions.  but it wasn't the best of me.  of who i am uniquely.  it was totally about him.  but without those years, i would not have had the kids that push me.  teach me.  lift me.  amaze me.
maybe the best things are born out of pain.  of hurt.  of endings.  not that great things don't come from great marriages too.  just saying that good can also come from totally falling apart.
with hope in tow and joy in the heart, all circumstances can become beauty.
the best things in my life aren't things.  they are lessons.  people.  relationships.  laughter.  tears.  genuineness.  faithfulness.  truth.  love.  real love.
i have the best things.
but i went through hell to find out what is most important.  it wasn't staying in a farce of a marriage.  life is much too valuable for that.
blessings.

enough

it's hard to draw the line at how much is doing enough for my job.  i could work seven days a week 12 hours a day and still have work to do.  but i'm at work for nine hours a day.  i spend time on sundays.  and i'm not excelling.  always behind.  always jumping the next hoop.  and yet, i love connecting with those little lives.  i make a difference.

but sometimes i have to say the words to myself, "you have done enough for today."  that's how it is tonight.  still so much more to do.  but, i have done enough.  it's not done.  but, i need time for me.  time to write.  time to be quiet.  time to think of something else.  time to rest. my mind as well as my body.  

enough is not all.  it is sufficient.  

and i feel....a bit like a failure.  how do so many do it so much better?  faster?  i don't know.  i pedal as fast as i can and remain at the end of the pack.  

oh well.  i've done enough.  for today.  i will start again tomorrow.

blessings

Making a Life

I have spent a long time of my life focused on making a living.  On how to make ends meet.  I have thought about being responsible.  How to work. How to make money.  How to save.
And those things have value.
But I'm not sure that I have spent enough time thinking about making a life.  About dreaming for the future.  About hearing that inner voice that speaks to me so quietly about trying some things.  Spending time at the ocean.  Maybe going overseas.  Writing.  Living somewhere that life moves more slowly.  Because, frankly, I don't really like the drama and hubbub and no time for anything of value.  No time to really enjoy.  To savor.  I want to SAVOR.  Not run.  But I live in a place, in a culture, that values movement and competition.  It's really hard on me....when I stop and think about it.  And I try to keep up, but it's not really in me.  I need time to reflect.  It's how I'm wired.  I need time to sit in the sunshine.  To putter.
And so it gets me thinking about how I want my life to look.  I like my work, but it stresses me to some degree.
I've been toying with the idea of working for awhile at this full time job and actually going back to subbing.  It's delightfully pleasant to not carry the incessant burden of busy work.  To never be expected to serve on a committee.  To walk in and walk out without a care in the world.  Though....I'd miss the relationships.  But, perhaps I would have the time to nurture other relationships?
I have thought of the idea of selling my home.  Downsizing.  Housesharing.  I don't know exactly.  But, cutting costs in ways that would enable me to get what I need without working every minute of every day.  Maybe buying a home with a separate living area.  Or learning to cohabitate.  I don't know.  I just know that as my kids leave it's kind of silly to live all alone and pay all of the bills that have to be paid for just one person to live there.  It seems financially irresponsible.  It seems...burdensome.  Have to heat/cool the home.  Have to maintain.  Have to have insurance.  Isn't it better to spread that over more than one little old person?  I'm not sure.  But....maybe.  Especially if it could mean working differently.  Having a different lifestyle.  I think I would be willing to make some adjustments in order to have choices....like working less, freeing up time, having time to spend mulling things over, reflecting, writing, gardening, maybe even getting to really have time to clean the house instead of rushing in and trying to do a quick job when I'm exhausted.  And you know what else?  I love to cook.  To bake.  To enjoy food.  I'd like to have the time to do that as well.
I want to practice thinking about ways to make a life.  Not just a living.  I want to look at who I was made to be...how I was made....and let that lead.
Oh, I do love my job.  I love my kids.  But I feel overwhelmed.  Pushed.  Troubled by the constant demand to do more.  Fill out more papers.  Grade more.  Input more into the computer.  Frankly, it wears me out.  I want to TEACH.  I'm good at that.  I don't like the whole data and constantly graphing everything.  Maybe I could find a country/county/place that teaching was actually......teaching?  Where there's a freedom to explore and lead kids in learning?  Where every day isn't full of meeting and politics?  I think that would make me happy indeed.
I'll pray about it.  Because I think that the whisper I'm hearing is God's way of waking me up to the immense possibilities of making a life and not trying to make a living.
blessings.