Are You Kidding Me?

I always wonder if some parts of my life are a joke.  But, sadly, they are not.  Some parts are way too true to be believed.  I have tried to wish them away.  Have tried to make it better by having a better attitude.  I've tried praying to be a better person so that he'll be happier and then perhaps treat me better.  But, all kidding aside, there is nothing that hurts more than realizing that the foundation is the problem. That it's not a few symptoms...those could be taken care of.  It's a systemic problem.  The bottom line is that he completely has no intention of ever bothering with making a real relationship.  He throws out a compliment now and then.  He does things that people tell him to do (for a time) to get what he wants.  But as far as our relationship being the result of something intrinsic, deep from inside....it doesn't exist.
And, so, some days I think....ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? I invested over 20 years of my life with someone who can't even give me the courtesy of bothering to know how I take my coffee.  Or what styles I like.  Or how to let me have my own feelings.  Just the simple things are even lacking.  It's sad.  It's frustrating.  And tonight I realized how forgranted he takes me......and yet, he'll throw out a thank you now and then for something he wants me to do again, "thank you for making dinner for me." But he doesn't connect.  He doesn't want to really know me.  He likes using me.  I finally get it.  I'm pretty easy to use. 
But, right now, not so much.  Right now, he knows that I don't give a rip.  I don't do his laundry.  I don't leave him a plate of food ready for whenever he decides to come home.  I've changed.  I don't meet his needs.  And THIS drives him crazy.  This makes him want me to get back in my box and make him happy.  But still, he doesn't get how I can't just make it go away.  It's a hurt that is intense.  It's a sense of betrayal and of being used and abused.  Of feeling that I haven't even been important enough to register a blip on his radar until it made him feel a little uncomfortable.  But, it's still about him.  What I DO for him.  I have a stomach ache and am shaking just writing this. 
How in the world was I so stupid?  Are you kidding me???  I am gullible on some things, but I thought that this was going to be the real deal.  I do remember right away wondering.  Even before we left the state we got married in....we moved the next day.  I remember having these doubts.  These feelings of how he would let others do things for him, pay for him.....even at our dinner that we had after our wedding reception. All of the people that came from out of town met up with us at a restaurant and many had come a great distance.  They had been there for us.  I thought that we should have paid for that dinner.  He never offered.  When our son got married he had his rehearsal dinner at a buffet......his dad didn't offer to pay for that either.  But, when we were in line I told him he needed to.  And I got the "worried look".  He acts as if we are next to starving to death. 
Ok, I'm ranting, I know.  But he just makes me crazy.  Not because I hate him.  Because I chose to love him.  Because I have lots of kids with him.  Because I used to wish it would work......and now all I wish is that he would go away so the pain would stop being perpetuated. 
He really blew it.  But, maybe not.  Maybe he got exactly what he wanted....I'm thinking that perhaps I really blew it.....I should have stood up for me earlier.