Circumstances

The circumstances of our lives have as much power as we choose to give them.  So says David McNally.  It's true to a degree.  The really hard parts of my life have had so much control because I have chosen to stay in situations, to allow things to happen, to not change things.....and, I give them importance.  I am learning that I must not give some things too much importance.  Some people like to hurt others.  Somehow, they feel better if they are hurting others.  If they have control.  If they have power.  They yield it in various ways, but no matter how it is held, it cuts like a sword.
Today I was thinking upon how my husband has treated me.  I was wondering if he has changed.  He is looking hangdog...remorseful?  But, I kept thinking, wondering if I was supposed to change my mind, fix things, go back to how it was....and like a lightening bolt, I remembered Friday night and how he was all jealous about the money I supposedly have squirreled away and how I should be paying to have the car maintenance done.  I don't have it.  I use it to get the kids things.  To have enough to make groceries.  To help out friends.  I am going to work yet another job to have what I want.....and I guess he knows that I will squirrel it away and not share it.  But he was very controlling about the money.  And on Sunday too.  He was freaked that I was going to let the kids spend $25 for a game.  And that night he wouldn't let me sleep.  He knew I was exhausted.  I told him.  He stayed and had to talk and rehash.  I"m tired of the rehashing.  The little things, the little jabs, the little controlling issues remind me that things haven't changed.  Not really.  He wants it all to go away.  No consequences.  All better.  "I said I was sorry, you said you forgive me, so it's done."  I wish.  But forgiveness is ongoing.  Have to keep doing it.  Keep seeking it. 
Me, my circumstances have changed.  I have hope.  I am looking forward.  I have dreams.  I have plans.  Lots of delicious plans.  They make me smile.  They make me work hard.  They make it so that I can make it through this really hard time.  But, the really hard time has lost most of it's power.  Because I won't give it the power anymore.  My choice.  Sometimes I'm weak and troubled and I forget and let him have the power to destroy me...but then I remember, "I get to choose."  I choose joy.  I choose hope.  I choose adventure and giving.  I choose not to be hurt over and over without change.  I choose to be free to think and have an opinion. 
Circumstances are what they are.  The power I give them is my choice to a degree.  I choose to make the circumstances change.  I like that.  They really have no power.....they can be changed. Awesome.