New Day

Always good to get a new day.  I didn't used to think so.  A long time ago, I just wanted to die.  To let it all end.  Being trouble and a bother to someone I loved was too much.  I couldn't find a way to do it.  But, it happened...there was a way, and here I still am.  Still standing.
With a new day before me. 
My son graduates soon.  Have some great stuff to do for that.  I have a yard to make pretty.  I have kitchen cupboards to clean.  My aunt told me that my grandpa's cure for depression was to work.  Said that I have already figured that out.  So, I guess I have figured out what to do.  Now I just have to get myself to do it. It's so hard to want to perform.  Not because I don't like getting things done.  I do.  Just because it feels like I'm always being judged on whether it's how it's supposed to be. 
Today I'm going to make pretty.  Or read.  Or wish that I could have something fun to do.  But, I am going to DO something.  I am going to be alive.  I am going to be thankful for that.  For this new day.
And, I'm going to think about if I can be sane and end this blog.  I"m not sure I'm ready yet.  It's my blah place.  But it makes it really hard to keep it inside the rest of the time.  But, it releases the pain to a degree, so I like that part.  Seems that there are always decisions to make.  That's ok.  Beats not getting to decide. 
This day.  Today.  A gift.  Even to the broken hearted.  Especially to the broken hearted.