Today I needed to rest. Really rest. Body. Mind. Soul. Been working crazy hours. Nutso. All because I want to have some time on a trip with my kids. All was well. Til it wasn't. And now, after hours of crap, I have a horrible headache, my peace was robbed and I wonder why??????
If he turns it all around to him anymore I might truly lose my mind. It was NOT ok. I finally cried. It's too much. Too hard. Too long. Too stupid to keep rehashing.
I might as well have worked. Seriously. Wish I would have. I would feel more rested now. As it is, I feel awful. Alone. Shaky. Shaken. Pukey. Hurt. Wounded. Pain. Literally. Physical as well as emotional. Shit. I had finally given up sleep aids. Now my heart is racing. It should be bedtime. And he takes food and goes to his room.
But, I am fighting back in my heart. NOBODY is allowed to steal my peace. But it's SO hard. Hate it hate it hate it. blah. blech. icky. nasty.
And, I had thought that it was going to be ok. That's the hardest part. I had finally breathed a sigh of relief and thought that today was going to be ok. BAM. Always.
Told him I'm done. That I never want any of his money again. That he is mean and hurtful. To me. Not to everyone. He baits me. Wants to fight. It soothes him in some weird way.
Pounding. My head. My fingers on the keys. My heart. My mind. My thoughts. aaaarrrgggghhhh!!!!!!
I want peace!!!!! Happy. The ability to have an opinion or make a decision. To not always be second guessing myself. Can't wait to go on my trip....I need to have a vacation. Desperately.
I choose to heal. To get stronger. To not be sucked into the pattern. It's so familiar. It's hard to step back. To remember that I can choose. I get to.
This is to letting go of the horrors. To thinking on the lovely. The excellent. The hope. To allowing the crease in my forehead to unpucker and relax. Stress does not have to remain. Regardless, I am loved. And though I can't yet believe it.....I am worth it.
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