Easter

Tomorrow is Easter.  I look forward to it.  Anticipate it.  Am choosing to see the good in it....and i am also very nervous.  Going to church and being there seems wrong.  Feels off.  I don't belong there anymore.  But I belong with my kids.  It is a good church home.  Wonderful even.  But I knew a long while back that it was time.  I just know that for now I need to keep it as the place for my sweet kids. 
Made it through today.  Didn't wallow in anger or hurt.  Learning to choose.  To live happy.  To be full of what is happening now.  Present.  Of course, being present at home is not what I mean.  Have to find a way.  Kids had a really rough day.  Breaks my heart.  Want him to have a real relationship with them but I think that it's not happening. 
But, I have to take one day at a time.  Figure out the little things.  Enjoy as I go. 
My son went to prom tonight.  Boy, he looked handsome.  Incredibly.  Amazingly.  So grown up.  And my older son hugged his girl goodnight tonight and whispered I love you as he was saying good bye.  Also, so grown up.  Life is so precious.  I choose it.
Today I did better at not stewing or fretting in my heart.  At choosing happiness and joy in the moments that were difficult.  Grief is a weird thing.  Can be triggered by the oddest things.  But, here I am.  Ready to party with those I love tomorrow.  That is good.  No matter how it looks.  No matter what the other stuff.  I choose the good.  The excellent.  The praiseworthy.  I must.  To make it.