How

I am always asking why....but I think that I should more often ask how.  How can I do better?  How can I live to please God?  How do I feel?  How do I think?  How is my body responding to these things?  Why feels like a victim word.  I don't understand so much.  But I am very slowly learning that I can't hardly understand exactly why I do certain things, let alone someone else.  I need to learn to let it go.  And to be peaceful about it.  To be ok even if I'm not how it seems like I'm "supposed" to be. 
How to get through.  Not under.  Nor around.  Nor over.  Through.  How?  By saying what I absolutely need and meaning it.  Not waiting to be given permission to have my needs.  I've waited for so long to have permission to feel how I feel.  To think how I think.  Perhaps this is one of the biggest spiritual breakthroughs I have ever had.  I find that incredibly bizarre.
And though I sense my having to do this alone, really, we all have to do the hard things alone.  Trusting that when we come up to the end of the diving board, we will look and see that God is there waiting with open arms.  Not wanting us to drown or to be afraid, but knowing that we must go ahead and choose to jump to Him. 
Here's to learning to jump.  And trusting that we'll learn to swim from the Great Lifeguard.