To The One I Married

To the one I married,
I have been thinking and praying.  I have been struggling and stressing.  I have been nearly destroyed in the last years, and I have told you this.  You did not notice when I began to disappear.  You did not respond when I said that I was on my last try.  You did not hear me when I said that I couldn't keep doing this....the fighting, the rut, the same old stuff.  You have never gone out of your way to be sure that I was happy.  You have told me that happiness is not a worthy goal.  Well, I wanted you to be happy.  With all of my heart.  I wanted you to smile and have a life that blessed you so that you woke up thinking, "wow, I love my life." That has never happened.  Not when I am me.  You want someone else.  You want me to BE someone else.  You talk about commitment, but I keep wondering, "commitment to what?"  It's certainly not me, because you haven't even taken the time to know me.  To know what brings me joy or heartache.  What size I am.  What things make me smile.  You like me to know you.  To meet your needs.  You like for my joy to come from bringing you pleasure.  But, I can't anymore.  You lost me.  In every way possible.  You broke my heart.  You broke my spirit.  You made me feel small and unworthy.  You made me feel like a burden you bear, not a treasure that you glory in.  Oh, you are never going away, because it's like a contest and you aren't going to lose.  But you already did.  You lost all that was good and marvelous and exciting about me.  You gave me up years ago.  If you ever really wanted me at all.  You use guilt on me regularly.  You act all nice but underlying is a bite.  You want me to hug you and make you feel like things are alright, but they are not.  I have said that they are not.  Over and over and over and over.  The best thing I can offer you is a separation.  Because, right now, I don't want ever to be with you again...but maybe, given time to heal, maybe, I would heal.  I don't know.  I can 't know.  I've not been given the opportunity.  You behave as if you don't know why.  Keep asking.  Keep  wondering.  You tell me how happy you were....well, you fail to behave as if you were happy.  Or pleased.  Or content.  There's always a list of things I am not doing that you want done.  Don't you see that I've left you?  We live in this house, but I am gone.  I've been gone for a long time, but until I was physically removed from your bed, you didn't even bother to care.  As long as your needs were met, as long as you were free to fight, you barely registered a change.  I wish you could have seen me.  Could have bothered to know me.  Back when I cared.  Because, now, honestly, I'm past caring if you want to.  I'm past hoping that you will change your mind and think that I'm the description of a good wife.  Your tone, your comments, your constant badgering about amounts of food or what I "waste" or how someone doesn't eat all of something or how we will surely be going under have all conspired against you.  You used to be able to bring me around to behaving how you wanted.  I wanted a peaceful home.  I wanted to be a "good" wife.  I wanted to make you happy.  I wanted so badly for you to be happy that I used to think how much better off you would be if I weren't around because you treated me like I was such a disappointment.  Remember how impatient you were when I bounced some bill checks.....that YOU told me to write?  You took over the bills because I wasn't "responsible" enough.  Remember how you are ashamed of me regarding money and decisions when it comes to your family?   
Committed to a piece of paper?  To an ideal?  To an institution?  Perhaps.  But never to me.  You have never in our whole marriage been able to give me a massage without expecting sex.  Ever.  Even when I was pregnant.  You have never been able to put YOU aside and see ME.  But, you always have wanted me to know exactly what you need, what you are thinking about, how you feel, what is bothering you.
And the only thing that makes you think that maybe you might do something different is because you lost things as YOU wanted them.  That does not make me feel better.  It doesn't impress me and make me want to run back.  It makes me want to run further.  That you think that you having needs should change everything when my having needs has never made a difference at all.
You lost me.  Fair and square.  It was a long game.  The only hope you have now is by letting me go.  By letting me see who I am as I heal.  I WANT to pay my own bills.  I want to be able to do it on my own.  I don't want your money.  Why would I?  You have held money over me all of these years, I don't plan on you continuing it while we are separated.
Being separated might do one really good thing in your favor.  I might not become bitter.  If we stay as we are, I am not sure that I can keep fighting against the bitterness.  I need freedom from the incessant feeling of being a disappointment to you.  I need freedom from having to hear you go on and on about money.  I need freedom from having to meet physical needs in ways that make me uncomfortable.  I need to learn how to be a person again.  Not a care taker of your needs.  And what's sad.....it was my privilege.  I viewed it for so long as what I could do as I would do for Christ.  Until I finally realized that there was no back and forth.  You don't see me.  You don't take the time to know about me.  In twenty years, you have learned very little.  What have you encouraged me to grow and become?  But what have I encouraged you in?  So different.  What I have done, I have done in spite of how you treat me.  How you view me.  You don't even know what I do now when I work.When I said that I could get a job in Oregon you said that I could send money home.  It wasn't funny.  Not at all.  It was mean.  I was letting you know that I was looking to leave.  That I wanted to start a life on my own and you made it about money.
I can't picture you in my life for another 40 years.  It makes me absolutely tremble to think of it.  It was when I started realizing that on nights that you worked late or had meetings that I felt better, that I started knowing that something was wrong.  Really wrong.  And I felt guilty.  And I tried harder.  But, giving more and more and more to someone to whom you feel not the least bit important to is draining, not satisfying.  It is painful.  and, then there came the time when I moved out of our room.  Do you know how much you hurt me? I told you.  You made me feel like I was boring.  You made out like I should feel sorry for you because you should be able to expect anything and everything since you are married.  My body is not yours.  But, you should treat my body with the respect and love with which you would treat yours.
I allowed this to continue on.  Even now.  I am so afraid of hurting you.  Like you are fragile.  But I need time.  A LONG time.  Without bullying to make up my mind.  I need you to move out.  I need a room to be in.  A house to live in.  Really live.  And I need to quit feeling afraid that you will be home at any time.  I don't want to be mean.  I don't want to be unkind.  I don't want to hurt you.  I don't want you to think it's all your fault.  I feel like I just didn't measure up and that is too bad.  But, I want to salvage the rest of my life.  And I want you to have a life that you love, not tolerate.
I hope that you will respect what I'm asking.  I hope that you won't belittle me or make me feel less spiritual.  I know that will be hard to do.  But, at least in this, can you finally, please, give me what I need?
Thank you.
Your trying to get a breath wife.