Grief and Acceptance

It took me years to realize that many of my depressed feelings are dealing with unexpressed and undealt with grief.  It's easy to grieve, or at least to know that it's ok to grieve, when someone dies.  But this has been a hard thing for me to see.  It has been in these last few months that I have finally come to terms with the fact that I have many types of grief.  I grieve the loss of my self.  Of knowing that who I am is ok and valued.  Of my self value.  I grieve the loss of respect for someone that I have promised to love.  I grieve that I am "alone" in the world:  without my own extended family to shoulder this pain.  I grieve that the losses of friendships and the pain that comes with that.  I grieve for those I know who have lived a hellish life and continue to walk through pain on an almost daily basis. 
I grieve. 
And now, I give myself permission to grieve.  And to accept that things are not what they were meant to be in my marriage.  I have certainly gone through all of the stages of grief in this aspect of my life.  I was stuck in denial for a VERY long time.  The anger....well, enough said.
But, in the very recent times, I accept it.  It is simply what it is...or isn't.  And that  is how it is.  And it can hurt.  And in the midst, I can still laugh and have joy.  And this knowledge has helped to unbind me.  I can cry.  I can laugh.  I can speak.  I can write.  I can begin to let go of the worry.  The pain.  The horrible troubled feelings. 
It's hard not to revert to anger.  When pain comes.  Physical pain from things that were done.  Emotional pain from things done....and often, not done.  But I want to choose something else.   Call it what it is and move on.  To a life that is more productive and full.  To a life that gives glory to God.
I pray that God will walk with me.  And with him.  That I will know that it's not because I am right or just, but just that the match does not work.  There are reasons that I "blame" him...and I'm certain there are more reasons that he would blame me.  But it doesn't matter.  We are not in charge.  We don't change nor dictate character.  We can only be in charge of ourselves. 
I want to rant in some ways tonight.  To gripe and complain.  To say how unfair and what a pain it is.  If you need that....go back a few pages.  There's plenty.  I want to accept what is and stop and enjoy the absolute beauty of my life.  Grief and all.  Mixed up.  Plenty of beauty.  Plenty of wonderful. 
And I can let go.  I have let go.  Some would call it hard hearted.  I call it necessary.