Giving

Giving all.  Giving up.  Giving freely.  Giving grace.  Giving mercy.  Giving hope.  Giving joy.  Giving life.  Giving your best.  Giving crap.  Giving trouble.  Giving spirit.  Giving peace.  Giving time. 
Giving is such a great word.  It means to pour something out of yourself to someone else.  God did so for us.  And gives us the opportunity to do so for others.  But, some of those "givings" are not so good.  Some are like a blessed stream on a hot day.  I want to learn about giving.  More and more.  And how good it is to receive.  Because it's a blessing to be a giver so I should always be sure that I live a balanced life in this way. 
When someone is giving it's like you get what you get and you don't throw a fit.  It's the giver who decides and gives what he or she has.  Some people cannot give what another needs.  It's not in them.  Or they don't have the desire.  Or the skills.  Some people only seem to give pain while taking from others.  I am learning what it means to choose to give wisely.  I like to give of myself.  My time.  My stuff.  My whatever.  Because whatever I am or have is more wonderful when given. 
And it saddens me deeply that it took marriage to teach me that giving can be very painful.  I have had hurtful relationships before.  I have befriended some pretty helpless/hopeless folks.  But it took marriage to suck me dry.  However, the best thing to happen is to see that maybe it's not just my fault.  Maybe I don't meet what it takes to spur him on to wanting to meet my needs.  But now I see that maybe it's that he simply doesn't know how good it feels to keep your hands open.  Maybe he lives in too much fear.  All I know is that I have not been able to draw that out of him nor experience the joy of feeling safe and cherished in his presence. 
Was thinking last night how I used to hear people talk about how hard it was if their spouse was gone.  How they could not sleep.  I've never felt that way.  Even when I was mercifully unaware of why.  He has always given me a sense of discomfort.  Of feeling like I'm not giving enough.  Being enough.  Performing well enough.  Like he is always trying to "demonstrate" how I should be if I were to be accepted.
And now, I have left it be.  I am ready to go on in my life.  I can't say that something won't change.  But I know that the simply trying to look good or do the right things isn't enough.  It is something that comes from inside.  And I know that there are things about me that will never change that he cannot except.  We are at an impasse.  He still thinks that I'm willing to go back and just pretend.  But I am totally not.  I am ready to let go.  To keep my hands open and let god do what He needs to do in each of our lives. 
He needs to be responsible before God.  To face the mistakes of the past.  To realize that there are repercussions from them.  I know that there is grace.  I'm not saying that it has run out.   I am saying that there is also wisdom.  And sometimes it's time to shake your sandals and move along.  If someone won't receive then it's foolishness to keep trying to give.  Even if your heart and mind blame yourself.  I'm learning that giving people do that.  Blame themselves. 
Today is a good day.  I will keep giving.  Keep loving.  Keep receiving.  But I will not keep trying to plant in thorns.