Choosing

I can't help the bodily reactions I have....of coldness, dry mouth, shaking.....I can't help being nervous or unable to function.  But, I can choose many things.  I can choose to work.  I can choose to make happiness.  I can choose to live.  I can choose to be the positive, kind, fun person that I want to be.  I can't make myself go backwards in time.  Only forward.  So, I have to choose how to live going forward.  I can't make it all better in the past, but I CAN let go of the past and live and learn and bless others as I keep walking toward the future.
I am rather ready not to wallow.  Not to vent so much.  Note, I didn't say ever.  I want to live.  Without the constant, nagging ickiness of what might have been.
I watched him sing tonight.  And I'm glad for him.  And I'm sad for the fact that I failed in what might have been.  But I can't conjure up wanting to try anymore.  I don't.  I am sad for it.  Mourning.  But I am not going to live in mean spirited unforgiveness.  But the forgiveness doesn't mean a pass.  It means acknowledging it.  Going on.  But not the same.
I choose to grow.  To love.  To bless.  To be thankful.  To smile.  To hope.  To enjoy.  To savor.  To try.  To give.  To hope.  To laugh.  To cry.  To feel.  To give myself permission to be myself.
I am glad he sang.  Glad that he has grown and learned and enjoyed new things.  It was hard for me to be there because I felt vulnerable.  Shaky.  And like I'm all alone in knowing.  Unvalidated.  But today I decided that I don't have to be.  I don't have to explain.  I don't have to make anyone understand.  Where I am is where I am.  I don't have to change it.  God doesn't make me.  He will change me in His time and as He wills.  So I will give myself that grace.  That time.  Because somehow I've got to remember that I am worth it.  That I WAS worth it.  Doesn't feel like it....but I was.  Just because I am.  Not because of what I do.
So, to bed....to sleep...to rest....to be thankful.  But, I'm STILL freezing.  Have on two sweaters and a heater and I can't warm up.  It's emotional, I know.  I wish I could stop it.
One day it will end.  But I have to go through.  Can't run from it.  Just have to face it.  I am stronger than I was.  And my goal is to not only be stronger, but kinder and without bitterness.  Though strong.  Willing to stand.  Even for me.  Just gotta warm up.....