Finding a New Normal

I have been struggling with what normal should look like.  With how I need to behave.  With what I need to do and be.  With how my life is supposed to look.  With how it really does look. 
It's sad in some ways, and miraculously wonderful in others.  I still am sad and hurting over what could of and should have been.  With not being enough. With knowing that forgiving and giving chances is to no avail.  That it's always not enough.  That life revolves around what he wants.  What he needs.  What he wants to talk about.  What is in his best interest.  It has taken me so long to realize it.  but now it is easier to call it when I see it.  And, I am finding a new normal.
It doesn't look like the knight in shining armor fairy tale.  But I am learning how to be happy making my own happy ever after.  How to decide and live with my decisions.  How to give and love and hope and believe but not be used or manipulated.  I am working hard.  I am looking forward.  Most of the time.  Because some of the time is spent wondering how I could be such a dismal failure.  Seriously.  Right? 
Seems like I should just be willing to suck it up and make the best of it, right?  Just not willing anymore.  And that feels somehow evil.  It feels like it must be wrong to try to find a life that allows me to be content and at peace.
Like wanting to buy a car.  Or take a trip.  Or thinking about how I will look for stuff at salvage places for my yard and house.  The vision is getting clearer for what the house could be like.....and strangely, I can't do it when he's around because I have to be all bound up. 
I want to live and learn.  Make mistakes.  Try.  Give.  Think.  Wonder.  Dream.  I want to learn what it is to be accepted just how I am.  Even when I'm not too great. 
I want to work.  To earn my way.  To quit feeling like I'm waiting for a handout.  I'm expected to ask.  I despise that.  I use my own money to provide the kids with the things they need...clothes and such. 
I'm not sure what the new normal looks like.  Not completely.  It sure as heck isn't what it was.  I finally realize that I have choices.  That I am responsible for my decisions.  Even if it's whether to let someone else treat me in a certain way.  My kids are noticing.  They are beginning to talk.  To share.  And I breathe easier.  Maybe they will understand a bit of where I am.  Maybe they are there too.  Hard when you simply don't talk about it.  My son asked me the other night..."mom, do you hide your sadness from us."  I said yes.  He said, "I thought so."  But I said that I thought that he does too....and he agreed.  Truth is a little painful.  Freeing, though.
Here's to figuring it out.  And having the courage to do so.  I have been very busy.  If you are new, know that you are on my heart.  I am hoping that you are finding that you are loved by the One who made you and takes pleasure in you.  For you are His perfect poem.  His art.  His creation.