Elaborate Life

Sometimes I wonder what my husband would think if he ever found this blog.  I wonder if he would see how hurt I am.  How pained.  Sometimes I wonder if he understands what an elaborate life I have come to maintain in order to keep myself feeling safer.  I don't think he gets it.
I am facing beginning a new job.  With the other two.  Hard to think upon, but I have a goal in mind, so it makes it ok.  I will be fine.  Tired will not kill me.
The working part doesn't make me as tired as the whole being away, being in my car, avoiding conflict.  Today I realized that he calls me when he needs something.  He talks to our kids to tell them what they should do.  Or, if I am around he makes a point to ask them about there events.  What's sad for him is that they don't come running to him with those things. 
I guess that the worst thing for me these days is the whole money thing.  I feel like I never get to decide.  I've never been allowed to have money that was just for me.  He would get money out for himself and give me money for buying the groceries and the clothes and the kids' stuff.  But, I have never fit into the realm of getting to have cash of my own.  Driving home tonight I almost had a panic attack.  I get here and I am so glad to see my kids and so worried for when he will be home from playing basketball.  That means I should get to bed.  I need the sleep.  Tomorrow is a 16 hour day.  Easily.
But, the ocean is calling.  Time truly away.  I can't wait.  The peace and time will be wonderful.  I never like when I have to tell him.  It's hard every year.  Though I keep saying that it's what I really need.  He doesn't like it.  I understand.  But, I NEED it.  Like air or food or shelter.  He doesn't see that.  But it's true.  I know me.  Or, at least am learning to.