I think I can. I think I can. I think I.......am just not sure I can.

I have awakened.  I am up.  I jiust don't knwo if I can go.  If I can be there.  He won't give me the time I need to heal.  Keeps trying to make it better in the now.  In this instance.  We didn't get here overnight and I can't be all happy and ok at the drop of an I'm sorry.
Perhaps that hurts me most of all.  So MUCH is wrong that I know that he can't apologize for it.  But what is the heart of it?  That I will never be the woman he wants.  He wants things to go back, but he doesn't understand that it is the core I can't live with.  It's not isolated events.  It's not even the using.  Though it's a hard thing.  It's the fact that he and I don't mesh ever.  I have to be someone that is like him or it doesn't work.  And I can't support him in how he treats his children or others.  I used to try.  I just don't want that to be who I have to be.  I don't want his choices to dictate who I have to be or become.  That is deeply difficult.  It pulls at my soul.  Especially since he wrote me note reminding me that the first time he told me he loved me wasa on Easter.  I know he meant what he said.  But what he meant and what I can live with are two different things.  He meant that I make him feel good and I give him what he needs.  He meant that I fill him up.  He has no idea how to do so for me.  And I need time before I can give him more time to try.  Because right now any more hurts and it will make it that I can never do it.  I"m nearly there now....but not quite.....so I want to have time.