I Wonder

I wonder if I will ever really have the courage to stand for myself like I would stand for another.  I think I can.  And yet.....I really don't like to hurt others.  It's hard to do.  Though most would probably see me as harsh, to make the decision to go forward with anything that causes pain is really hard for me.
But, in this case, the discomfort of where I am causes me so much pain that I might be forced into action? 
I have learned a little more about how to take care of myself.  Have learned what it means to be married.  Have learned what I have done wrong.  I get it.  And I get that I simply am not the kind of woman he probably should have married.  Being miserable is not much fun.  Ever.  Even if you couch it in being spiritual.  It makes life so difficult.  It makes the days drag.  It makes time seem too long.  That is NOT a good thing.  Each moment is a treasure. It should be fully enjoyed. 
So, I wonder, will I live what I really believe or will I live a lie?  Easy to get comfortable in the lie.  Everyone seems comfy cozy.  Except for me.  But, making people happy is my job, right.....but, maybe not always.  Maybe, somewhere in there is room for me to be happy and treasured and special too. 
I'm not sure about it all.   But, I wonder.....and that wondering has changed me.  Wondering if perhaps all of the awfulness wasn't ok.  But, though a part of me says that it would be easier to just go back and pretend, another part....a part that is gaining strength, says that a life like that is not enough.  It does not honor God, nor me, nor any who might really want to get to know me.  Maybe somebody in the world actually would like the real me?  Or even need the real me?  What if she never gets her chance?  That seems ever so sad. 
So....I wonder......I wonder how to DO anything.  I wonder if anyone would understand how I got to this point.  I wonder if it matters, because a big part of me doesn't care.  I wonder if I'd have friends.  If my church would send me away.  I wonder so much.  And answers come as I wonder.   Slowly.  Bit by bit.  It's hard to grow a sense of myself being a reason to stand.  I hope that I learn.  But, I wonder.