Wishing Don't Make It So

There are a lot of things that I wish were true.  Like that my belly was flat.  Or my face was clear.  Or that my hair would fall just so.  Or that I could remember where I parked my car at the mall.  Or that I could be the things I want to be....listening, kind, encouraging.....you know.  But wishing don't make it so.
And, living happy or at peace doesn't come by wishing either.  It comes through hard work and hard decisions.  This last weekend was very hard.  And still, very good.  Hard to say that yes I forgive but that no, everything isn't ok.  I am always the one that ends up feeling guilty.  He always turns it into something that I could be doing....will you blah blah blah....and then he's hurt and hang dog and sad when I say that I just said that I can't.  But, I will be sure that it's done.  Though I won't do it myself.  Hard to imagine that there could be a time where I could live.  Simply live.  Not always wondering or fearing or troubling.  It's hard because I have spent so long this way.  Don't even know how to do it differently anymore.  But I am determined to learn.  To have a genuine happy heart.  And a face and spirit to match.  I remember this strong, capable woman who was confident.  I am inviting her back into my life.  Hope she can learn to feel comfortable enough to stay.  Because, frankly, it's still a struggle.