Barter System

I used to think that a relationship with god was like a barter system; if I did a certain amount of good things and lived in a certain way, THEN, He would bless me and love me.  I didn't label it a barter system, but at my very core it was how I lived out my "faith".  And, who doesn't really, to some degree?  It seems so right to my frail little human brain.  But that "little" lie nearly destroyed the relationship that He longed to have with me.  He wanted so much more.  I understand that so much more now.
A barter system has no place in an intimate relationship, a friendship.  It works for business transactions or with people we don't know well.  "If you do this, then you can expect me to do this."
But, what I have learned is that I can expect God to be God no matter what I do.  He doesn't change.  He doesn't quit caring.  He can't love me more.  He already loves me while knowing everything about me. 
This knowledge is not revolutionary to anyone, I'm sure......but how many people walk around day to day trying to barter their way into love?  I'm thinking that the number must be very high.  With God.  With spouses.  With parents.  With friends. 
But love defies bartering.  It says, "you don't 'owe' me anything"...if you honor me, that is wonderful, but even if you don't, my love doesn't end. 
This is where my heart struggles.  How can a human offer this?  And at what cost? What about families that are abused?  I just can't reconcile that God would say that they should stay in that situation.  As I have said, it's a struggle for me....a growing place. 
What I have come to understand most deeply is that He understands better than anyone that we live in a fallen, difficult, painful world.  I think that He knows that we won't come through unscathed.  But He also knows that He can take those hurts and make something better.  I am beginning to believe....and maybe more than beginning.....that He is most about our relationship with HIM and holds a lot less against us than perhaps we have been led to believe. 
But the sad part in my life now is that it means that my husband changing his behavior to barter back to what things were doesn't work.  My paradigm has shifted.  I have changed.  That's not his fault.  Maybe it's mine.  Maybe it's not anyone's.  Maybe these things happen.  Maybe, sometimes, we just have to try to make the best out of messiness.  With as much grace as possible. 
What is very plain to my heart is that I'm no longer for sale.  I've already been bought.  And there's nothing I could do to earn that.  That was the greatest sacrifice.  I don't need to belittle it by thinking that I can buy something lesser with bartering.  Oh, but I have.  Over and over.  Willing to do or say what needed to be done or said to keep peace.  To try to make him content and happy.  Wrong reasoning on my part.  And on his.  I gave everything.  My name.  My career.  My dreams.  My wants.  My time.  My ideals.  I paid all I had.  It wasn't enough.  The barter system has been repealed.  Those who have no money can come and be filled....eat and drink.  I am relieved.  And sad.  The foundation crumbled.