In the Cold

Wow.  Just can't seem to get warm.  Managed to walk myself into church today...actually all the way into the sanctuary.  Cried through the music.  God got me there...knew I needed it.  But I just simply can't get warm  Cold from the inside out.  What if God walks away from me?  I know he doesn't.  But, it's like this doubt in my heart.  My mind knows.  But the pastor was talking about His wrath.....and my heart cried out.  My very life desire has always been to be His.  To minister for Him.  I feel like an utter failure.  On the good side, I guess nobody will seek me out for advice anymore. ;) Takes a lot of pressure off. Ha. 
Church was a blessing. Getting out was good.  Avoided most.  Managed to pull my tears together at some point.  Almost managed to quit shaking.  Had a friend there.  That helps a lot.  Someone who keeps the focus from being on me. 
I have spent so many years trying to do this.  I am not sure if I know how not to.  Once, many many years ago, someone wrote me a little not when I was going through a hard time....said trust god.  trust husband.  trust me.  and even then....I didn't trust him.  Strangely, I had been gone visiting someone for a few weeks with the kids, and many years later I found out that he thought that I'd left him.  You know, he never said anything.  Never came for me.  Guess I could've then.  But then I wasn't even thinking about it.  I was trying to figure out how to be a better wife.  How to get through the hard time.  How to live a Godly life.  How to be a joy bringer.  Funny.  I could have left and he didn't come for me.  Or our kids. 
He is a good man.  I keep reminding myself though it tears open a huge gash every time.  He works.  He does stuff around the house.  He is involved in church.  He is quite driven.  He has a lot of good qualities.  He can be very funny and charming. 
All of these good things.  So why does my stomach clench and my body go stiff when I hear his footsteps?  Why do I shudder when I feel him come near?  I think maybe I have been blind to the parts that are covered up by the good parts.  That I excused things I shouldn't have.