Hope

In the midst of the craziness.  In the midst of the feelings of failure, I still find peace.  I hear the voice of the One who made me.  Who calls me.  Who adores me.  Even now.  Just as I am now and just as I will be in the future.
So desperately I have longed to be successful in marriage.  But my desires caused me to do things that I should not have.  I have been the caretaker, the believer, the hoper, the strength.  And I have had to be the one to blame.  By being the one who would make a decision.  It is never right.  No matter how things go, it's my fault.  But, strangely, in all of the good things, the great kids, the home, the great trips, the flowers, the life....no kudos.  It's sad.  It's hurtful.
And what is the saddest to me is that I have so much hope in God, in the future, in the things that will happen....and he doesn't know how to do that.   I feel sorry for him.  My heart wishes he had better skills.  But, he has spent his time making himself feel better by trying to make others feel badly about htings.  He tries to increase his feelings of control by guilting the people who should be the most cherished in his life.  I mean, seriously, if the heat in our house goes over 66 it's considered frivolous.  Craziness.
I don't know how I enabled this, but I know that I did.  I should have stood up a long time ago.  I thought I did.  I spoke.  I told him that if things didn't change then the time would eventually come that we would no longer be able to relate.  That the constant guilt was destroying things.  Someone told me recently that guilt is from satan and conviction is from God.  I concur.
Guilt rips away hope.  Completely.  But, I'm learning that living in guilt is a choice.  Choosing to change is also a choice.  If I live in guilt, I will become cynical and unkind.  I will struggle to be giving.  I must choose not to live under guilt.  I must choose hope.  I must choose to live and give and be who I was created to be. 
Hope is like air.  It's like the oxygen tank when diving in the ocean.  It's what holds me up and lets me know that each day has good.;  I choose good.  I choose to live my life.  Even if I am a failure to some.  I choose to hope that there is grace and forgiveness even for me.  Not deserving.  But trusting in it.  Longing for it.  Desirous of it.
For so long I was willing to give in.  Give up.  But, now I choose not to.  And there will be consequences.  I pray for the strength that I might continue to live in hope.