Self Doubt

From my writing, you probably get the impression that I know exactly what I want and that I am thinking that I am in the right.  That's very far from the truth.  I am riddled with self doubt.  I often wonder if I've done any good for the people I love the most.  I wish that I could have been a better, more "normal" woman and wife for the man I married.  I look at my kids and I wonder if I really helped them.  They are wonderful.  Strong.  Mostly kind.  Good kids.  Nice people.  Growing.  Learning.  But....I doubt myself.  All of the time.  I raised them mostly on my own as far as discipline and spiritual guidance.  I have failed in many ways.  But, I just keep trying to trust that God knew what He was doing and that He will take care of all of the parts I was too immature or too dense to do.  I doubt whether my friendship has changed anyone's life.  I mean, I have BEEN changed, but have I given backin the world the vast amount that I have been given?  I doubt my abilities.  I fear that I am what has been told to me.  Some of it is true.  Very true.  And yet, because the things are true, does it make them bad?  Do they make ME bad?  I doubt my basic value.  I've never had a family to count on.  Maybe it was my fault?  My mom died when I was small.....I used to wonder if she left because I was too much to handle and I think that those doubts still assail me, though I know that they are bogus. 
The thing is this:  self doubt obliterates faith.  It crushes.  Disappoints.  Immobilizes.  Terrifies.  So, though those doubts lurk every day, I am choosing to see what I can from a stand point of how things are.  Not who is to blame.  My husband is one way.  I am a totally different way.  Perhaps I am the "wrong" way, but I can't change it after 20 years, so I have finally come to the position that I need to change the relationship.  I can't say he's "wrong".  He's him.  I can say that he has made some choices that  make relationships difficult at best.  Honestly, I hope he finds someone else.  I hope that he finds "that woman" because I'm not her.  And not being her has eaten at me for far too long.  I need to bask in who I was created to be.  Quit living trying to be what I will never be.  You can dress a bunny up as a cat, but it isn't going to meow.
Self doubt is with me strongly today.  I want SO badly to KNOW that I'm not bad.  That I have contributed.  But, all I can do is trust God to keep leading.  To keep loving.  to hold me.  To shelter me.  To crown me with His glory....undeserving though I am.  Because you simply can't walk up to someone and say, "tell me I'm not a complete waste of time."