In a Bubble

Today I went to church again.  Funny how those Sundays keep coming.  But, I felt insulated.  Like a child inside daddy's coat.  God was wrapping His arms around me.  Comforting me.  I didn't really feel a part, but I felt safe.  Cared for.  Secure.  Like He was enough though I won't be able to make anyone understand.  Like I don't have to make anyone understand.....because though I do care what they think, what they think will not add to nor take away from my value.  My value is a given.  Though even I don't usually realize it.  Nor cherish it. 
But it was still hard.  Like when it's time to grow up and say good bye to your family.  You will still be a part, but not the same.
I am on my way to a new career.  An old career that will be beginning again.  Finally all "legal" with paperwork to prove it!  And, I'm excited.  Excited because money will be freeing.  To be able to make choices.  To be self sufficient.  these things are going to be important to me.  In my desiring freedom, "he" has told me that I just want his money.  That is so completely ludicrous.  Now that my mind is beginning to work right, I can see the guilting for what it is.  Why would I NEED his money?  I can work.  I was the one who had the money for us to put the deposit for our first home.  My family was the one who provided the money for our next home.  Our current home is a part of my inheritance.  So, really?   I bought him a new car several years ago.  And I've never complained about the old car I drive....though recently I've been figuring how I can save to buy myself a  new used one.  I never shop upscale or buy the make up things I wish I had.  I try my best to be as frugal as he wants me to be.  But, it doesn't matter, it's never enough.
So, I've taken to saving money each year for a trip to the coast.  Without him, he will point out.  Yep, it's true.  I don't want him there.  Because when he is, there is tension.  He has to have things a certain way.  He has to be entertained.  It's just like being at home somewhere else....and that is not restful.  And the kids are stressed.  And that makes me mad.  So, as hard as it is, I have to say that this is what I need.  I don't spend thousands on doctors or therapists or make up or clothes.  I have the right to do as I choose with some money.  Though he says not. 
I am going to leave my stuff to a friend. As in, I am going to change my will.  Going to change my life insurance at work. My money.  My writing.  Someone who knows me.  Someone who would understand what I'd want my kids to have and how to do that.  It's sad to realize that you don't trust your husband with your wishes and dreams.  It's sad when he is so much happier when he has everything his way....like when you are gone.  And I spent so long just figuring if I'd die it would be easier on him.  That maybe he would finally find someone and be happy.  Surely it can't be more spiritual to long for death to make things right than it is to take steps for freedom? 
Living in a bubble is secure.  But I will wander out again one day.  I'm sure.  But I want to remain in this place of knowing how I'm loved.  For me.  Not because of what I do.  He does not love me for me.  He loves because it  makes him look good.  He loves selfishly.  He loves or at least stays because it makes him look good.  It also gives him something to hold over me.  That as "bad" as I am, he has stayed.  That he is more forgiving.  More committed.  More.  Ah.  Well.  Guess so.  I am the bad one.  He reallly is a keeper.  For someone.  But not for me.  All I hope is that he finds that he is loved and secure as well.  And that he quits performing.  Because if he doesn't, he is going to wind up a bitter old man.  And that would be sad.  He has too many good qualities to allow that to happen. 
I need to go slow.  But, day by day, the distance grows.  Still only talks if it's about money.  Quit praying with me years ago.  At least a decade.  Doesn't pray with our kids.  It's time for me to release all of this.  To let go.  To quit jumping through hoops to hold the world together.  Because I have a daddy who will hold it together.  And love me for me.