Running Away

Sometimes I feel like an elementary schooler.  Running away.  I spend as much time as possible away from my house when my husband is home.  I miss being able to really live in my house.  I have things I want to do.  I look around and when I know that I have several hours or more....I go at them.  Making it what I want.  But, when I'm not sure if he's coming or not, I hide away at a computer, go to sleep, or simply go elsewhere.  I have spent so much time sitting in my car reading or writing or just being alone in the last few months....and I guess it's immature.  It's a new way of trying to keep the peace.  I can't keep performing, so now I just try to avoid.
So, he acts nicer.  Except not.  Like fake cheerfulness.  I do know that he's trying for something.  Mostly, I know that he wants sex.  How hard that must be for him...no pun intended. 
Have you ever been in a place so dark that you hold up your hand and can't see it?  I have.  And, my relationship is like that.  It's like no matter what I say or how I act or what I do, he simply can't see me.  He only sees him....his wants...how it affects him.  Sad to miss out on so much in life because you can't get to know another person.
So, in my "running away", I find that I dread going home.  But there's nobody to tell.  Just have to suck it up and go eventually.  Sometimes he "punishes" me by ignoring me....for that I am thankful.  Other times he comes to interact.  That makes me uncomfortable.  Very uncomfortable.  How many times and how many ways do I have to say no before he hears me?  It's crazy. 
He made me tell him how much money I could get by with this month for groceries and all after he listed all of the extra expense...made a big deal about having to take money out of the savings.....shoot, he told me awhile back that we had no savings.  Anyhow, then he acts all sorry about having to do this with the money but AGAIN...there's this and this and this and this.  And how much will I be able to contribute.  Ha.  I just realized, we talked this morning....it was about MONEY.  AGAIN.  ha.  I knew it.  It's the one subject he always has to address. 
I just want to be with the kids.  But, will it destroy them?  I think that they know how hard it is for us.  And, I think that they appreciate that we are not longer arguing.  It was getting pretty yucky.  Couldn't find common ground anymore because I finally refused to be bullied anymore.  bottom line, it takes two or more to fight.  I'm not interested.  I just ignore it now.  One night he sat on my couch and kept going and going.  I was so very tired.  I finally engaged.  What I've learned is that the engaging in battle releases something for him.  Makes him feel better.  While it makes me feel like sh**.  Seriously.  Horribly.  Indesribably.  If you can't get along perhaps it's kinder to give space?  But something about the battle has always made him feel powerful or something.  I don't quite understand it yet, but it was part of the routine of life....had to fight.  Then, he had to pretend nothing was wrong.  And I would be asking for forgiveness.  Thinking that I should be a better wife.  Wondering why I wasn't.  Wishing I was able to do as well as all of those other women.  Pathetic.  It might be all my fault....I still wonder.  But, even if it is, I'm not going back to the battle zone.  It would be a death sentence.  And I love living.  I taste the zest again.  I feel the rays of sun again.  I see the beauty again.  Nope, not going to go backwards.  Onward.  Forward.