Uh Oh

I just arrived back home after a circuitous route.  I took kids to school.  Came back toward house.  His car was still in the drive.  Pulled a u-turn.  Drove.  Went towards work.  Killed half an hour.  Decided that I wanted to still come back home today.  Turned around.  Came back.  All clear.....finally.  I spend 10 hours a week avoiding being home.  That stinks.  And that is only in the morning routine before work.  I absolutely dread confrontations.  Dread the physical hopes and demands.  Today he was trying to have a kiss before I left.  I hugged him.  He was not happy.  Why can't he hear me?  why does he only see what he wants?  Never sees me.  At all.  Well, I take that back.  He sees me for what he can get from me. 
I am wounded.  My dreams and my hopes were scoffed at by the one who was supposed to love me.  Not who I am for him, but who I am for me too.  As times passes I sadly realize that my worst fears are true.  His interest in me has very little to do with me.  Any woman would do.  I can think of many people who would be better for him.  Anyone, probably. 
Can I possibly be worth more than this?  What if I'm not?  What if really I am not worthy of anything? 
I know that he has decided to pray for us in these last few months.  Kind of crazy how I prayed for years.  Cried out.  But he had no interest.  Life was fine.  Why bother.  But now he is uncomfortable.  His list is not working.  He is not getting the return for his efforts. 
I cannot do this forever.  And I can't go back to how it was before.  Thouigh it would be easier inmany ways.  I want truth.  Real.  I want the real thing. 
Awhile back he told me that he was praying to love me.  Wow.  Somehow, that cut too deeply.  Even if it was a prayer to love me more or better.  Which isn't what he said.  Not at all.
I have a tender heart.  I am not bitter.  I am cut deeply.  Disappointed.  Not without hope.  Yet, understanding that every avenue I have tried in years past has been a dead end.  He would be all about counseling.  Get yet another list.  Do what's on it so that he can get past this.  But he doesn't have any tenderness towards me.  The real me. 
I was exciting.  I was different.  I got him out of a rut in his family.  But, he never chose me really.  I see that now.  He could still use me as an excuse.  "Going to her home state to live."  "Can't do that, the wife says no."  No wonder his mom hates me so much I now realize.  Because he has never been able to build me up or support me or protect me because I am the one he uses to make reasons for why he isn't pursuing what she wants.  So, I remain unimportant.  In the big scheme.  Well, very important in that I allow the lie to continue.  "Mom, I needed a way to have my own life and she is my excuse."
I am so happy for our children.  I want to be friendly with my husband.  But I do not want him here.  I can't keep feeling this way.  CAn't sleep.  Don't eat well.  Can't relax right.  Always on edge.  Can't do the things in myhome that I want to do because it's not ever a safe haven for me. 
I like working.  I don't catch any grief over it because I make money.  When I owned a business and didn't make money, he was resentful.  But, now I am allowed to work.  But he hates that I put the money in a different account.  Really makes him mad.  And then he tried hurt.  And then he tried unfair.  And I said oh well.  This is what I'm doing. 
Got to get my will written.  If I get sick or something happens, he is not getting my inheritance.  He can get what we own jointly.  Which is.....um, not much.  But the rest is for the kids and for someone to take care o them.  But doing it.  Got to make time.  Yet again, when do I get time alone.  This few minutes was stolen.  Sneaked into my own house.  Crap.  I thought that growing up would mean that I was allowed to decide. 
That's why uh oh......because something is really off.  And I can't put my finger totally on it yet, but I'm learning.  It's a process.  And in the process, God is still God.  And He gave me great kids.  And is here today.  Off to a job I love.