Is it worth it?

I get up.  From the couch.  Every morning.  So relieved to have the ability to create this space.  I seriously can't even picture going back.  I try.  Last night was Valentine's Day.  He came.  Asked to kiss me.  Said ok.  Almost cried.  He asked to kiss me again.  And I allowed.  Because I'm not able to hurt him more.  Feel like I have done so....and yet.....
I didn't make his choices.  I don't keep him on a short leash or treat him as if he should be someone else.  Honestly, I never did.  But, he does not bother to know me.  He only knows me in concert with him....and what I do or am for him.  Sex for me is to be good...not so I enjoy it, but so that it makes him feel better.  I am supposed to love the gifts he gets .....and be thankful.  No point in pointing out that anybody could choose the things he chooses for me.  There's no personalization.  Has no idea what size. Color.  style.  None. 
And I'm sad.  Because I don't see wanting to make it better anymore.  Too weary to fix it all for him. But all he sees is that he wants sex.  Sigh.  I'm still a non entity.
I mean, asking to kiss someone you don't even talk to unless you have a money concern or a problem that you want her to fix just seems kind of weird to me.  Go figure.  Intimacy.  Oh, sure.  My dentist probably knows me better.  My kids do.
So, I bought Valentine's for my kids.  Bought a blank card for him that I never filled out.  What do you say when you are in the middle of raising kids and it's 20 years in?  I'm really not sure.  "I don't want to do this sham anymore"?  Probably not, I'm thinking.  But, I'm not good at fake.  And he deserves better.  Honestly, probably deserves better than me.  I'm kinda lazy and introspective.  He has to move every moment.  Long lists of things to accomplish.  I drive him insane because I can't feel connected when someone never takes the time to stop with me.  I told him for years.  I saw and knew the problems.  I don't hate him.  I just can't keep making him more important than me.  Because I was becoming unable to live.  Unable to see that I had value.  Unable to hope.  Depressed.  Depleted.  No good for anything.
I traveled this last weekend....I loved the freedom and adventure.  It reminded me of who I was.  Of how I AM. 
So, here I am, wondering what the right thing is.  Wondering how not to hurt him.  How to make sure my kids are ok.  And how to be ok myself.  So, I stay on the couch and don't interact.  And I could stay this way until the kids are grown and I can have my freedom to have a room of my own....or a house of my own.  But, is it worth it to just keep existing like this together but not? 
Not really sure.  But, it is better than a quick decision.  And, I know that I can't survive going back to how it was.  Guess we'll just keep waiting and seeing.