Church

I walked bravely into church today.  It is very difficult these days.  I do love the people.  I have been shamed for so long by someone that I can't possibly get out the words to say that I don't have it in me to keep  making things alright.  I have a sense of failure.  I know that my kids are not being abused.  And I know that nobody will understand my current stance.  Well, those who would, probably aren't there.  It's like walking under water.  with others, but not quite bein able to communicate or share.  A barrier.
I know that it's not supposed to be like this.  But, what is is what is.  I just want to hide away.  Move away.  Go away.  But running doesn't work.  So, I stay.  I pray.  Nothing changes.  I know that the minute I go back to how things were, he'll go back to treating me like I'm someone to be tolerated.  Someone to be ashamed of.  Like he's doing me a favor.  Tired of his guilt.  To the kids. To me.  He wants his needs met.  He wants to be happy.  But woyears have gone by and he doesn't give a darn about anyone else.  Looks good for others.  Acts nice.  Then makes snide remarks and unkind comments.
It's not all about me.  But I have finally gotten to the point where I know that I have to take care of me.
A friend told me yesterday that I could take a job in a commuter city down south and take a rental.  I can't.  I want him to leave me to MY house.  It's mine.  My grandparents knew what they were doing.  Smart to the end.  I'm not leaving it and the life I have with the kids because he makes choices that are lousy.  I'm hoping that at some point he'll understand.
I don't want to hurt or cause pain.  But I also don't want to BE hurt anymore.  Who I am becoming as I spend time with him is someone I don't like.
So, it's up to me to become who I am supposed to be.  To pray and learn.  To not make excuses about it being someone else's fault.  But it is hard when there is nobody to talk to.  Nobody who would say, I get it.  So, I keep walking.  Keep hoping.  But, am determined and decided.  I will not live that way anymore.  ever.  I will not give up who I am to keep the peace.  I don't mean the selfish stuff.  I mean the things of WHO I am.  I will not be made to feel guilty for basic things.  I will not be trod upon.  Or bullied.  Not in my own home.  Not because I'm unkind or impatient, but because I have come to the point of knowing that if I keep going that way, it will take my life.  Depression and pain will overtake all that is good.  I will not be able to function.  So, today, this day, I will stand and try to remember that I am not being a bully.  I am simply standing as an advocate for myself.  That is the hardest to do.
But will I ever be able to do it in church.  I just don't know.