Faithful

What does it mean to be faithful?  To God?  To marriage?  To myself?  Bottom line is that I think only God truly remains faithful....unchanging....able to constantly remain as He is and should be.  Doing as He promises.  That's why He didn't make my salvation dependent upon my behaviors...I'd have been sunk.  Marriage is a little different.  Two parties.  Together.  Forever.  Except that sometimes they are together in physical proximity and yet there is "nothing" else there.  It doesn't seem faithful.  And I'm not talking about adultery...although I'm sure that that can play another huge part.  When I asked my husband, he never answered...simply said why would you have thought that?   I had asked about a specific point in time.  But, besides for that, sometimes, marriage is simply nothing.  A past promise.  Mostly forgotten.  Except for the "I'm going to stay because I don't believe in divorce" part.  But is that what being faithful really means?  It seems like over time the two should have become one.  More one, at least.  Hasn't happened in my case....unless you count when I try do do and live and behave as he wants so that things can move along more smoothly.  He has no idea who I am, he scoffs at my dreams and he has completely different ideals from me.  He views me as irresponsible, unthrifty and stubborn. So, when he says, "but I am faithful to my promise, I am not going to leave," it leaves me wondering.  I mean, basically, he has not been here for me.  He is nicer to just about anyone but his family.  He has not idea what it means to give in sex or as a gift.  He is selfish.  But faithful?  He maintains, "I come home, I don't go out drinking with the guys," and again I wonder, is it me, or is this a pretty lame comment.  You know, considering I am supposedly "the love of his life."  You can tell I am weary of the whole thing.  But I still love God.  Still believe that He loves me.  But I am so unwilling to spend the rest of my life like this.  Unliked.  Skip love, if he could just actually like who I am that would be a marvel.  He never supported my business.....he doesn't believe in my writing.  He makes up things to make it sound like he cares, but it's always about him, not about me.  So, to be faithful in taking care of myself...of my heart...of guarding my heart, what should I do?  How do I really remain faithful?  How do I love and give and not give up on myself?  I think that the basis of that is not putting myself in a position of becoming resentful.  And that is why I am where I am in life.  Somewhat separated.  I refuse to be hateful.  I refuse to embrace meanness.  Though it's hard to hold onto love in the midst of disappointment, I believe that it is possible to be loving when not "in love".  I believe that though I have reasons to be angry that I owe it to God, and myself to be truthful instead of taking the easy way out....I tried that.  It didn't work. 
So, here I am.  Not faithful on my own.  Still struggling to simply find the way.  And yet, so thankful to the One who is faithful, who loves me though I can't even fathom remaining married to someone who treats me with such disdain.  But, married I am.  At the moment.  Though not in many senses of the word.  Co-habitating.  Is it wrong to wish he would get a job in a far away city?  I know....easy way out.  It's a process, you know.  Hope your day is all about growing and learning that no matter what, God is faithful to you.  Even when you are not the least bit faithful.  And that is worth pondering.