Physical Pain

You know, I get to the point where I think I can forget about the things that happened and then my body reminds me.  Some things that were done with me are still hurting me months after moving to my own place to sleep.  And it never mattered.  I was guilted for the idea that I wanted to say no.  That I should be agreeable because it was within marriage.  And, today, when the pain is more, I remember vividly......remember crying myself to sleep.  Remember bleeding.  Remember how it hurt to take a bath.  And, in remembering, though at moments I just want to forget and stay and make it alright, it makes me more resolved to stand up for myself. 
To be braver.  To say "absolutely not."  You can't do that.  I have a line.  You may not cross it.
So, while I can forgive, can go on, I can't resolve the problem that again, I was not cherished but used.  I was put in a position of  of shame.  Of humiliation.  Literally and figuratively.  And, I wonder how that could not have mattered.  I wonder if I've ever really been loved.  I'm thinking that I've been needed.  Been used.  Been many things.....but not truly loved.  I desired to give the true kind of love.  But I forgot that I should get it too. 
Maybe physical pain can be a good thing.  A reminder that I'm not just being silly and emotional.  As I was bleeding today, I thought.....never, ever again.  No way.  Finished.