and then there's the boy

my son.  the 18 year old.  he's not ready for college.  maybe he will be come fall? i don't know.  he is tuned out and living for himself and pleasure.  he has no desire to do or be anything.  he doesn't work.  he doesn't earn any money.  he doesn't seem to have a plan for his next steps.  and i have felt compelled to ease up.  to know him and love him.  which i still feel is right for now.  but i don't know what do say beyond what i have said in order to light a fire.  he seems stuck. i think he was waiting for his dad to make some move which never came and now he's just kinda in limbo.  waiting still.  not really hoping.  happier and nicer than before.  but still...tuned out.  i understand how he feels.  more than i wish i knew.  some days it's just so hard knowing that my ex didn't care enough to work at what we had.  he liked being able to fall back on the fact that we were christians and couldn't divorce.  but, he didn't cherish me.  he didn't even act like he liked me.  i know how my son feels.  though i can't tell him that.  i know that it hurts.  that it's impossible not to take that personally.
then there's the other one who makes fun of all of the rest of us regularly.  and competes incessantly.  and is trying to act like his dad.  and locks the house and was probably told by his dad to "take care of things".  but he too....hurting for the same reasons.  trying to please his dad.  he acts just like him to make him happy.  but the boy?  he's not happy...because he's not being himself.

so much pain.  my heart hurts for all of us.  and we are on our own in it.  nobody ever calls my kids and asks them out for a coke or to talk.  nobody.  my son quit his small group from church and they don't even call.  pretty sad.  but he would kill me if he found out that i asked them to.  so i need to pray and wait and see.  he needs so badly to be missed.  to be cared about.  he didn't go back as a mentor either...and the youth pastor didn't follow up or say that he was valuable to the team.  my ex is such a part of the youth group that it's hard.  it would have to be individuals being interested.  but it just hasn't happened.
and i wonder if i am doing ok.  and then i know that i can't possibly be....and all i do is trust that god will be what they need.  how they need it.  when they need it.  that he can use my frail attempts to show them little glimpses of love, but that it's not all on me.  he wants to be there for them.  first hand.
so much going on in this heart.
nowhere to let it out.  but this has been cathartic.  tears and truth.  good combo.
blessings.