Learning to be at Peace

The learning curve has been high.  I face a lot of things.  Many of them without anyone to talk to about them. It's hard sometimes.  Mostly, it's ok.  Right now I am seeing how much I've learned.  How I am able to relax some and just let things take their course.  It's not at all easy.  This holiday will be yet another learning curve. But I know that I'll make it.  I know that I'm not going to beg anyone in my life to meet my needs.  I am learning to respect myself more in that area.  If people aren't around, if I'm not valuable enough, if my kids aren't a priority...then...well, then I need to handle that gracefully and with the knowledge that it doesn't mean that I'm not valuable.  It feels like it.  This is hard because people not coming to my house on Easter now that he's gone when they came when he was here...well...you know how it is. Got trained that it's my fault, that I'm not as good, that I'm not worth it.  And I have to fight that.  A lot.  Takes a lot of energy.  A lot of fearless.  Because it's hard to be hurt and still know that I'm ok.  Yet, it's true.  I am ok.  I am even mostly peaceful.  A few tears.  They are allowed.  I allow myself that.  I don't know how things will look in the years to come.  But someday, there will be different things.  New things.  I will find a way.  Make traditions.  No matter what, I am going to be peaceful and loving.  I love this holiday.  I am not going to ruin it with allowing the pain of "not being chosen" to overwhelm me.  This, of course it the week before he left last year as well....It's all mixed up.
Next is my birthday. This is the one year anniversary....time flies when you are having fun!
blessings.