Some Days.

Some days I wonder what holds me here.  I say that friends and connections.  I say my job.  But what really holds me here?  Fear plays a part, I know.  Though, missing my support system would be difficult too.  But lately I've been opening up the places and looking at what really is and finding that in many areas, I am the one who enjoys and seeks others.  I guess that maybe I'm preparing myself to move on to a place in life where others enjoy me as well...seek me out....hear me when I don't say what I need.  I am such the introvert.  And, as I've had to learn, that doesn't mean that I don't like company, just that I have a small circle that is relaxing and the much larger circle is work for me...even when it's fun. And that very fact is a put off to many because my selection is so narrow.  Once again, my personality causes me pain.  But that's just how it is.  I'm past hating myself for it.  And THAT is huge.  Now I have to pray and think and seek.  I have to learn to let go of those who don't choose me.  So hard when it's those I choose.  I have very good taste.  But the fact has remained for long that I can go long periods of time without ever hearing from those that I consider my "best" friends.  And actually, truth be told, I usually reach back out.  Though that's hard for me.  I have one friend that has been a very good friend...yet, never connects, never responds to messages, never initiates.  If I happen to reach her for real on the phone, she is kind.  She will come to things.  I guess things have changed.  Or maybe they haven't.  Maybe I'm just coming back to life and noticing that I lost so much more over the years than I can express.
But.  Today.  This day.  I am working on my bedroom.  I am reclaiming my life again.  Piece by piece.  Trying to stand and walk.  Feeling the need of connection.  Knowing that it's not mine to have.  Just what it is.  So, I'll work.  And enjoy.  And not be afraid.  I'm not really lonely like some get lonely.  I kind of like being alone.
Yet.  Still.  That invisible feeling hurts.
However.  Less now.  Because I had a revelation.  I am finally not invisible to myself.  That matters.  One step at a time.
blessings.