today would have been my grandma's bday. she died two days after her bday...back when my daughter was in kindergarten. how quickly time goes by. and yet, can still feel like a million years. nine years. wow. a lot of living in that nine years.
maybe that explains my need today of solace. that and this cold. sometimes it just feels like i have had so many people die. or leave. my ex isn't in that list. he i wanted to leave. he once said, "i'm not like your dad, i'm not going to go away." i was not very kind in that moment. i told him that staying for his own pride didn't feel better than his going away. that the whole "trying his best to love me" wasn't working for me. at all.
i also got an email from my ex today. he was at an eagle scout ceremony of a student that goes to school with our sons. he saw the dad of one of our sons and sent me a message of hello and hugs. it was weird. how about just telling the person that he doesn't see me? or that we don't talk? he does strange things.
this was a really hard day for me. i can usually summon up grace or suck it up and do what i need to. but today was nearly impossible. i barely made it through. i cried and cried. i was totally feeling overwhelmed. not feeling well. had school work to do. homework, i mean. for a class. had laundry. had decided that maybe painting the floor would be a good idea. the girls had offered to cook burritoes. that was good news. but then.....company. that was almost too much for me. really. i had to parade out my counterpart personality...the one that is outgoing. i can do it. force it. but it is extremely wearing. i am an introvert. give me a few. i was so looking forward to this day with the kids. then helping my son with college stuff. which we finally got to. looking for a cabin for a couple of days over spring break...or three. i was ready to snuggle in with a book. close my eyes and rest. prepare for the upcoming week.
the day didn't happen that way.
i had to make it through having a man in my house that will barely talk to me. who had just been at an event with my ex. with my eldest son who had just gone to a basketball game with my ex. my ex is everywhere these days. takes people everywhere. you'd think that the more he does, the more i would want to compete, but frankly, it's just the opposite. i just want to let it go. let him wear himself out doing it all.
grandma's bday. i had cheesecake. celebrated in my own mind and heart. didn't tell the crew.
it was a really hard day.
and yet, i made it. that's pretty amazing.
blessings.
maybe that explains my need today of solace. that and this cold. sometimes it just feels like i have had so many people die. or leave. my ex isn't in that list. he i wanted to leave. he once said, "i'm not like your dad, i'm not going to go away." i was not very kind in that moment. i told him that staying for his own pride didn't feel better than his going away. that the whole "trying his best to love me" wasn't working for me. at all.
i also got an email from my ex today. he was at an eagle scout ceremony of a student that goes to school with our sons. he saw the dad of one of our sons and sent me a message of hello and hugs. it was weird. how about just telling the person that he doesn't see me? or that we don't talk? he does strange things.
this was a really hard day for me. i can usually summon up grace or suck it up and do what i need to. but today was nearly impossible. i barely made it through. i cried and cried. i was totally feeling overwhelmed. not feeling well. had school work to do. homework, i mean. for a class. had laundry. had decided that maybe painting the floor would be a good idea. the girls had offered to cook burritoes. that was good news. but then.....company. that was almost too much for me. really. i had to parade out my counterpart personality...the one that is outgoing. i can do it. force it. but it is extremely wearing. i am an introvert. give me a few. i was so looking forward to this day with the kids. then helping my son with college stuff. which we finally got to. looking for a cabin for a couple of days over spring break...or three. i was ready to snuggle in with a book. close my eyes and rest. prepare for the upcoming week.
the day didn't happen that way.
i had to make it through having a man in my house that will barely talk to me. who had just been at an event with my ex. with my eldest son who had just gone to a basketball game with my ex. my ex is everywhere these days. takes people everywhere. you'd think that the more he does, the more i would want to compete, but frankly, it's just the opposite. i just want to let it go. let him wear himself out doing it all.
grandma's bday. i had cheesecake. celebrated in my own mind and heart. didn't tell the crew.
it was a really hard day.
and yet, i made it. that's pretty amazing.
blessings.
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