Nike

Just do it.  That's my theme for the year.  Get moving in every way.  Go.  Move.  Change.  Clean out.  Clean up.  Give up misery and take up joy.  Choose each day.  I love my life.  It is delightful.  I plan to travel.  I plan to simplify.  I plan to be open to new ideas and thinking.  I plan to offer myself to God as His vehicle to send His love.  I plan.........but I don't know what any of it looks like.  All I know is that each and every day there are going to be decisions.  Choices.  Not just of mind, but of action.  Do it.  Start now.
I'm getting much older.  It's time.  Past time.  And I am beginning today.  Simplifying in my own room.  More simple.  Less.  Things I love.  Rid of the rest. Starting today.  Now.  This moment.  All day, I have filled bags.  Touched things and thought about what I felt when I did so.  And I am getting rid of the things that don't belong anymore.
So Nike it is.  Just do it.  It's time to get moving in so many way.

Life in the After

I have been divorced for a few years now.  I have figured out much.  I have done more than survive.  I have failed miserably monetarily and yet God has been kind.  I have faltered and stumbled and struggled.  Life has been messy and complicated and the day after day learning has been tiring.  And.  I love the AND.  Invigorating. Totally invigorating.  Learning to lean into those things that hurt, not trying to fix them nor manipulate it in any way.
And today is a holiday.  One of the big ones.
Today, I got a call inviting me to Thanksgiving since "we hadn't realized that you would be alone but you could come over."  This call came when dinner was due to go on the table very soon.  And it wasn't hurtful.  I was thankful for the call.  But, I was also able to decline.  The call reminded me of several years ago when the same person called me shortly before Thanksgiving to explain that they were going to invite their "real" family so that everyone could work through some things and that they were sure that I would understand why we wouldn't be invited.  It was painful as my family wound up just us at the table and having to fill in the things that others would have been making.The kids didn't understand.   I tried to act ok.  But, obviously it has left a mark. A wound.  And the wound is ok.  It's healed.  Sore in certain circumstances, but unable to take away my dignity in the now. A battle scar.That is a gift. I am thankful.  I know that the wound was deep because not having "real" family around is a constant void.  It's a fact of my life.  Those who are "blood" related are distant acquaintances.  Those that are not have those who are "real".
But, on this day, Thanksgiving 2015, I realize that I'm completely ok. Completely.  Even while struggling.  Even when nobody is in my corner.  Even if it's rare to hear from others.  Even if I may be an after thought often.  Even if I'm not "real" to some.  Somehow, I'm just.........happy.  With what is.  Not what might be.  Not what could have been.  What is.  The mixed up, crazy, financially stressful, hectic, house falling apart reality of what is.  I can live and be at peace.  No need to be in control.  No need to figure it out.
Life in the after has brought peace.  No lonely in the alone.  It has taught me to be proactive...and when I can't, rest.  Novel.  Truly novel.
Thankful.  More than ever.  With less.  Less friends.  Less money.  Less kids at home.  Less.  So thankful.  Here in this life in the after.
I am not an afterthought.  I was planned.  There is a plan.  And even I in all of my messiness cannot screw that up.
blessings.

Pay off the Bitch Party

I had a friend say that his friend was going to throw him a party in half a year.  He will have met his obligation in paying his ex.  Apparently the party has a given name in male circles.  It....crushed me. It hurt.  Here I am troubled by the fact that I have debt from my kids' college, that I pay to keep up our rental house mortgage payments, that I pay for all of their needs and he feeds them a couple of meals a month......maybe.  I pay for all of their needs.  And their wants.  And he will get to quit paying.  Legally.
Got me thinking about perspective.  My friend is different than my ex.  He will still go halves on his kids' time and financial needs.  He will just stop paying alimony.  But the idea hit me hard that all of the time I put into marriage and raising kids and took away from my career was pretty easily brushed off.
So, in the midst of trying to stay afloat currently I also have to look down the road a year and a half.  I have no clue how that will work.  But, I will just trust that somehow it will.  God is good that way.
But, I wonder when the hurt will go away.  Ever? Maybe not.
The wound was deep.  When it gets poked it hurts.

New life

i'm living a new life.
it's not an easy life.
but it is a life moving towards
more simple things
less stress.
less.
telling people what i need
even my ex
which is hard for me
very
and my son
who has been paying his rent
with school loans that i have to pay
interest on
it's hard for me to say
i can't do it all
i need some things
i've made mistakes
i've lived for three years
in a mode that was necessary
but this new life
is exciting
a life of
simple
of cutting back
but never being stingy
of being careful
but learning not to worry
ever
and that's hard
too
but necessary
to give god credit
to genuinely trust
and not think that
i earn his favor
ever
jesus did that
i could not
ever
it was
bestowed
totally undeservedly
and my head bows
in humbleness
not humiliation
in gratitude
in joy of living
in the absolute
knowing
that it's never too late
to live a better life
never
and i began
on so many fronts
and i get up every day
and do it again
and again
and somehow
i find that more
difficulties
keep washing over me
pushing down
and i come up gasping again
but in the breath  is delight
knowing that these trials
are nothing
in comparison to the
greatness of
our god
and i find that calm place
that place where spirit
meets flesh
and i demand to live
in the spirit
to change
to grow
to believe
to hope
heart weary
broke as broke can be
problems growing like weeds
but happy
for in him
there is
new life
new.
life.
two words
of hope.

blessings, dear ones.

life shift

the last months have been full of ....well, of just about everything. the loss stands out as immense.  and yet, that's not the sum total.  there has been growth.  depth.

there has been a shift in me.

and it took a long time to come.

though i was "free" from my ex, i found myself doing things to prove to myself that i was indeed free.  and finally i'm really free.  no more proving necessary.  now i have to fix some of the less than good decisions that i made during that time. debt.  weight gain.  laziness.

but finally...there's no resentment or being forced.  i am content to take the steps one at a time to get where i need to be.  no blame.  no shame.  just.......shifting.  moving my focus.  choosing more carefully for me.

and it's a very hard time.  crushing in some ways. but it is gloriously crushing.  like wine from grapes.  good is coming.  and i revel in the gift i have found again of god's love.  of peace.  of heartfelt joy.  of true relationships.  genuine.

shifting into place.  it feels good.  it feels like...........being me.  it has been a long time coming.  what a blessing in the midst of all of the struggles.

goodbye

so, there is grace and comfort even when the next thing happens.

my dear dog was gone this morning.  my heart hurts.  hurts.

i need to go to sleep.

i need to cry.

i need

to rest in the arms.

blessings

deeeeep breath

and now, in the wee hours, i am up with my elderly dog.  this last week i've been more and more aware that he is coming to the end of his life.  this morning it took him a long time to wake up.  now he is breathing oddly and whimpering at times.  i had to lift him onto his pallet.  i feel ill.  so heart sick that my body aches.
i laid by him on the floor.  he didn't even wag his tail.
tears.
and nobody to tell.
just him and me.
maybe he'll rally.
that would be good.
i need sleep.
my days are long and hard.
peace.
in the midst lord.
not when there's calm but when
the storms swirl.
please.

more more more

wow  life has been difficult financially.  not saying that it's not partly my fault.  i have not been frugal this last three years.  and........i've had a load of expenses to boot.  and as i spent the last month working on how to do better and how to be more honoring of how i should live, i have been hit with thing........after thing........after thing.  and right now i feel prett ttty low.  not the kind of low that says life is horrible.  just the kind of low where i feel somewhat defeated.  i know that the most important things are just fine.  faith.  family.  growth.  grace.  perspective is what is needed in these moments.  but i am pretty overwhelmed.  and so, i call out.  to the one who can bring peace.  who is peace.  and i confess. and i lean.
but sometimes
i get tired of being the place people lean.  i get tired. of taking responsibility when perhaps........my ex should do so.  so instead of being bitter, i'm speaking up.  but it is wearying as well.  having to deal with him.  having to do more than just survive moments.  because the wounds from him are deep and painful.  and while i have come far.......i have a distance to still go.  i still hear his criticisms in my soul.  i still find emails and communication with him painful.  tender.  talking about money with him makes me want to throw up.  feel small.
yes........i know that i made choices that mean that i'm pretty broke.  i had to be........free....for awhile.  i don't even know how to explain it just that it was part of my process.  and i had just been coming out of it and making a plan....working on how to get my life in order on all fronts when thing after thing crashes over me.  and there's nobody to turn to.  nobody to get it.  and certainly nobody to help.  no family to hear.  nobody.  and that sometimes also hits me hard.
so, here i sit.
remembering how thankful i truly am.
my children are alive.
and healthy.
and fed.
and we have a roof over our heads.
and i think about what if those things weren't true.
and i have this kernel of peace living deep inside me that is such a blessed gift.  a sense of knowing that the god of all has every bit of my life planned.  that he will hold me.  even when i'm completely childish.  and he doesn't hate me.  i finally got to that place.  and i'm hoping that my ex can't take it away from me.......again.  trust.  deep deep trust in the deep deep love of jesus.  trust that allows sleep.  trust that allows truth.  trust that carries and calms.
and i don't even know how i would explain to anyone that it's as if i had to get there and actually experience that deep acceptance and grace again before i could move past it.  i don't recommend it, but it's where i was.  and where i am?  a bit tearful.  a tad stressed.  but strangely looking forward to his answers and seeing that he won't withhold his love from me.  yes...consequences but not as punishment.  more of a gentle prodding to a life that is more satisfying.  i love that about my father in heaven.
so while more
more
more comes
it never
ever

ever
exceeds his grace or sustaining power.
i
can
rest


because i've never been in control anyway.............

25th unanniversary

i thought that i'd stay married.  thought that there would be a big party for my 25th.  i thought that somehow it would eventually be healthy, safe, and yes, i even thought that happy was possible.  i believed that it could be.  and it could.  if he had wanted it.  but he wanted things i couldn't be.  i tried.  i wanted it so badly.  wanted a family that was whole and full of fn and dreams.  i wanted a family that encouraged and built up.  and, i have one.  he's just not in it.
today would have been 25 years.  twenty five.  that's a lot.  i married half of my life ago.  and i don't regret divorce.  i don't regret the decision to live.  but still, it saddens me.  it will always be a loss.  it was a failure.  i'm learning that the marriage failed but that i'm not a failure.  i didn't get that all right, but i do not have to be defined for the rest of my life as a failure.
i began a health goal.  i have an app for it. :)  i like to check things off.  and, this app allows that.  so, i'll do it. i want to lose 40 pounds.  really do.  i want to feel great.  i want to be able to hike and walk and maybe even run.  i want to live.  really live.  in a healthy way...physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  so, on this unanniversary i began.
i walked well over 10000 steps.  i worked hard. i ate and kept track of what i ate so that i can see trends and count calories.  i love to eat and i want to make it so that i can.
do i miss being married?  not how it was.  i don't miss the stress nor the meanness.  i don't miss the constant drama and discord.  but i miss having someone else to do some of the work. guess that is not much to miss, but sometimes, it feels huge.  today i trimmed trees and watered and gardened and began digging out to make a patio.  i worked for hours.  and, while it was satisfying,there was a part of me that was like, "how is it that you left me with all of the work of raising the kids and making a home?"  he got off pretty easy.but i got what means the most.  i got....the family. all of the work, heartache, training, difficulty, messiness, yes.  but also, all of the growth, learning, laughter and absolute joy.
i don't regret where i am.  but, i am saddened that no matter how hard i worked, prayed, was willing to change......he just wasn't happy.  i regret not being able to reach someone whom i loved.  not being able to be seen.  or valued.  it was a long life together.  seemed so very long.  now, time rushes by so quickly.
joy comes.  it fills.  and though there is sadness intermingled, i will always be thankful that god allowed me an escape route.  that he met me in my deep grief.
so today, i celebrate that i was faithful.  that i loved.  that i have forgiven.  that i have been carried and shown how to live.  how to be at peace.  how to be free.
25 years ago.  mercy.  that seems like such a long time.
blessings.

Memories

A colleague/friend lost her only son today...suddenly and unexpectedly.  He was in middle school.  She had quit her job at the end of the year to have more time with him and more time with family.  She made memories all over the place.  The three of them traveled and went places and explored.  They lived.
And I realized again why it's so important to me to seize each moment with my family.  To reach out to them and go places and make memories.  I love my kids.  Travel is so integral to our good memories.  Trips.  Adventures.  And this day just solidified for me the "why" of that.  Because....you never know which day or which memory will be the last and you want to leave amazing ones.  Times shared.  Imprints on the heart.  Traditions.  Experiences.  Joys.
It matters to me.  Deeply.
To live without regret.
blessings.

fearless

i sat this afternoon on my bed and stared at the sign on my wall: "fearless".  and i contemplated it.  i was having a going away party tonight for my son's family....with my three grandkids.  they are moving to iowa.  and yesterday i realized that i should invite my ex....it's a big deal that they are moving...it's a family deal....so, i texted him and asked if he'd be interested in coming.  he asked what he should bring.  he brought bread.  i wish that it was easier for me.  i try hard to do the brave thing...the right thing...the good thing.  but this was difficult.  because old habits die hard.  i felt.....invisible again.  different than i usually do.  but i did it anyway.  i worked hard most of the day to get ready, but planned in some reflect and rest time in the middle.  it helped me to be prepared.

he has boundary trouble.  he came.  he stayed after everyone else had left.  and i know that he misses it.  i know that he's not evil incarnate.  i know that he's a person who feels.  i know that he lost a lot.  but it's still hard for me.  three years later and it's still hard.  i'm healing, but being with him pushes me into an awkward place.  uncomfortable.  because i always try to make things better for him.  always.i get pushed back into some mold.  some place of the past.  unless i keep my distance.  i am cordial. i speak when necessary.  i'm not cold.  nor harsh.  i forgive.  i'm not angry.  i'm not stewing.  i simply can't invite him back into my heart.  because he broke my heart.  he spent years making me less so that he could feel like more.  and. i. just. can't.
can't.
won't.
i choose peace.
i choose joy.
i choose freedom.
i choose love.
i choose.
and i chose to invite.
and it meant a lot to him.
he texted to say so.
and
i'm glad.
but i still need boundaries.  i still need parameters that are not crossed.
because i am at risk.
why?
i loved well.  i prayed to change.  to make him happy.  to be the wife i needed to be.  i prayed all for his good.  and what i got in return was pain.  not being enough.  being too sassy.  encouragement. no.  looked at in a way that made me feel safe and secure?  no.  but i still loved.  i still chose to keep going.
and that attitude is dangerous to my heart.  and i need to be wise.
but, i can be brave and wise.  and i can do hard things....but still choose peace.  it's possible.  i am held in god's hand.  and he is not offended by me.  nor is he mad when i feel weak and scared.  somehow that comforts me deeply.
i want to live with a fearless heart.........with courage that comes from trusting god.

blessings.

ever learning

i'm still learning.  every day.  all of the time.

i have to learn how to keep my house tidy when i'm busy.  i'm working on it.  playing catch up this week.  i've weed eated a 1/3 acre of mess already....half way done.  Most of the windows washed.  have a list made.  daughter did fridge and freezer.

have to keep at it.  have to figure out what works for me.  i don't mind a little mess....it's just that there's a tipping point that is difficult to come back from.
you'd think that young adult children would help with that, but they don't.  it's harder than when they are small and you can "rally the troops" so to speak.  those "kids" that come home have their own ideas and habits and they don't want to help.  at all...usually.  they do help some and then it's a big deal.  but the daily stuff, the putting in some extra time each day....they balk or even bolt.  they want it to be their own choice and own idea.
but i am learning.
learning to love my home.
because that has taken me a long time since my divorce.  painful.  like a horse kick.  happens pretty fast, but leaves bruises and pain.  my ex didn't make time for working around the house...he worked obsessively and wouldn't stop.  it makes all of us..........cringe.  and that's not healthy either.  so, balance is really important.
so, off i go to weed eat more and to line/clean kitchen drawers.

here i go....................

blessings.

too short

no matter how long we get, life is short.  a blink.  even if i live another 50 years on top of the 50 i've racked up,  even if i could have another 50 beyond that.  there would never be enough time.  to love.  to give joy.  to encourage.  to smile. to hug.  to cry with someone.
my grandma has died.  and this has been a hard week.  but, it also reminds me to not let the petty stuff be a problem.  she did a lot of living.  dancing.  taking care of others.  though the dysfunction of our family...set in place so early on in her own marriage.....made things hard these last years....i still love how she lived so vibrantly.
i miss her being in the world.
hard week.
good week.
life is too short.
to make people know
they are loved
created
cherished
i will never have enough time to tell my kids
or grandkids
i love life
and i want to live full out
but sometimes i get dragged down by hurts
still very tender
i might want to live kindly
joyfully
peacefully
in fun
but i still get wounded on the journey
over stupid stuff
so stupid
but, i am still fragile and have to give myself time
comments
criticism
they tear at me


life's short
can't let them keep ne
from doing good
being vulnerable
being giving
being generous
i know life is short
so short
and even if words
or expectations
hurt me sometimes
i can get through
because it is ever so short
ever
so
short
so i will
allow myself to hurt
when i feel embarrassed
or ashamed
but i will get right on back up
and be vulnerable again
and again
and i will give
my heart
my love my smile
my joy
i will share HIM
in who i am
daily
somehow
cuz life's short
and i want to make every minute count

goodbye

i had a rough childhood.   i lived in many different places.  i was loved by some.  tolerated by others.  and despised and demeaned by a few.  it was not an easy upbringing.  my mom died when i was young.  my father was already gone.  and nobody......took charge of my heart.  i was fed.  i was clothed.  but, everyone just always expected me to perform and do well, so, for the most part, i did.
when i was at the end of fourth grade, i went to live with my father's parents.  my gram loved me.  she bantered and cajoled.  she cooked and cleaned and sewed and played games.
but my grandfather.  he was a different story.  he hated my father.  his son.  he said hateful things to me.  he was the one that told me that i'd never do anything with my life because i'd basically just whore myself out and be pregnant by the time i was 16.  he told me that my dad never loved my mother.  he told me that i was important because i was his little tax deficit.....and, until i asked someone, i thought that he had said something kind.  he wasn't nice to many people.  he was bigoted and had a mean streak.
but, gram was there...and she did all of my caretaking, so it was ok.
until it wasn't.  until i finally had to go live somewhere else.  away from the stress.  i still saw my gram.  but, my grandfather died while i was living elsewhere.  a young death.  in his fifties.
my gram was a constant.  even though she was bullied in later life by one of her sons.  he took care of her and wanted her to himself.  he had her to holidays...which i wasn't invited to....and she was "afraid" to upset him by coming to my home.  for years i would just swing by her apartment because if i called, she would have an excuse of why it wasn't convenient.
later, i would call but she did not.  after awhile, i called about twice a year.  i loved hearing her voice.  so familiar.
but, time went by and as she became more dependent on her son, i talked to her less and less.  i finally got her on the phone last year.  my uncle's wife was with her.  it was obvious that gram had alzheimers.  but she remembered things and she shared them with me.  we talked.  my aunt said that i could come see her, that she'd take my number and call me in a day or so when it was convenient.  i never heard from her.  then i finally found my other aunt, my gram's daughter, on facebook.  she accepted my friendship.  she said that we'd get together after she got gram settled in her "home" and that we could go there.  but, she never did.  and when i wrote, she didn't respond anymore.
then, last night, i was on facebook and my aunt had posted one of those memes about "for those of us who have a mom in heaven"....and i gasped.  my heart skipped a beat.  my breath came heavy.  and i typed my gram's name on the search bar.........and there was her obituary.  it was from months ago........when i had been communicating with my aunt.  but, nobody had even told me that my gram had died.  i didn't know and i didn't get to go to her funeral.  i don't know if she is buried or if she is cremated or..........where she is.
how cruel.  how unkind.
my tears flow randomly down my cheeks.  it's not because i saw my gram all of the time, but because i had always held out hope that at some point my family would be back together.  that we would have a holiday.  that........it wouldn't always cause my gram stress to have to "choose".  how stupid is that?  you don't have to choose.  you just.......love them all.
the lack of compassion squeezes at my heart.  it literally closes my throat.  how can anyone be that way?  i don't understand.  i never did.
but, it will be ok.
i have no living grandparents left.  and i am sad.
so sad today.
just had to take a few moments and be sad.
just have to grieve without feeling stupid.
how shameful it feels to not even have been told.  like it's.......my fault.
but, my gram knew me.  and when it was her alone at home and i called, she would be herself and talk.  she understood when i divorced.  it will all be ok.  eventually.
but for now....i just can't quit thinking, "who does that?"
and........."wow".
i know i'm in a form of shock.  i was alone when i found out.  and really, there's not anyone to explain it to.  i'll just have to get through it.
blessings.

allowing change

i go kicking and screaming as far as some changes go.  i love my traditions.  i love relying on some things staying the same.
this year's vacation planning has knocked me out of my comfort zone.  i got the house. i thought i knew who would go.  i didn't.  i was clueless.  it wasn't in my power or control.  so, i let go.  i allowed it to be the possibility of only being my daughter and i.  a house rented...for 16...and nobody.  no one.  then, a friend could go.  then, a son.  then, two more sons.  then one son was out.  then another son was out.  then one son was back in.  the family that we have traveled with for over a decade was an out.  four.  small group.  then son back in.  with girlfriend.  then, another friend.  then, two grandkids.  there are now nine of us going.  not all i hoped.  i have lots of people i love.  but, still, god has worked it all out.
but i had to allow change.  i had to take a breath and know that it was all going to be ok.  i had to give myself permission to both be sad and to be happy that i was going regardless of whether others were going.  it has been quite a journey.
allow.
change.
because really, we don't have any choice.  and the stress and pain come more from fighting the change than from the change itself.
i love my friends.
i wish that i could pack them up and take them with me.
i wish that jobs and college and summer school and commitments didn't keep us from being together.  i love the time together.  i love the memories.  i love taking the time to value people in my life so that i can have no regrets.  none.
i want to live
i want to engage.
i want to risk.
i want to be with the people i love.
but i also want to adapt
when people can't
or won't
or choose not to
i still want to be happy.
and i'm learning.
but it doesn't mean that i don't miss.
it just means that i look for the blessing in what is while i mourn what there could have been.  and i enjoy the blessing.
taking grandkids on this trip.
going to be fun. and tiring.  that's ok.  the joy of seeing them see the ocean for the first time?  awesome.
four seats left in our cars.....wonder if anyone else will join up.

because

i am the person who makes the memory happen.
who desires the time together.
who sees the shortness of time.
who feels to my soul the necessity of saying the important words.

i make vacations for people i love.
and maybe it's stupid.
i don't know
but not to me.
because, to me, it is an investment in time.
it is set aside quality time.
it is a sense of tradition.
it is time to just be together.
adventure.
travel.
road trip.
out of the norm.
shared experience.

because life ends

but memories
traditions
laughter
adventure
courage

live on

and i invest in those

this year has been hard on me

feel like i've lost an awful lot of family

not many going on the birthday trip.
my "prize" to myself for making 50
for embracing the journey towards another 50
to living
really living
not worrying
just plugging away

i love that i can go now....
and come home still happy

a mom of my son's best friend dashed on
to heaven
this last week
swept away unexpectedly
by a river
and she left
being with her family
having memories

i want to do that.
i want to be adventurous.
i want to be kind.
that is all of the greatness that i hope to achieve.
but i let a lot of people down for a long time
they view me as harsh

i'm not
i know it

as i wept this week freely
frequently
i remembered my huge sense of empathy
i had to put it away when i was married for a time
had to
or i wouldn't have survived
had to put on a shell
but now i don't

and it's fun getting to know people as me
fun laughing
fun being kind and gentle
and totally vulnerable
fun

but i miss my family people
a lot

i just
can't make it happen
anymore

i had to let go

because

if people don't say yes
that's their choice

and if i invite and desire
and wish and even
weep
but they choose something else
i have to
keep walking
keep making memories
keep loving
keep learning
keep knowing
life is short

very short
and goodbyes
always come too soon
and though it is in me
to passionately embrace the time
and make things happen with those i love
they don't all have that same desire
they find me odd
intrusive
or in the way

and don't call
or respond to invites
or respond no
most every time

i tried so hard for this trip
50 is big
50 is a blessing
50 should be a huge celebration

and i chose this for me
and i'll do it
and i'll squeeze every moment out of it
and i'll invite
and some will come
and some won't

i have a friend
that it terrifies me to lose someday
i know that in that moment of loss
i'll barely be able to stand
really
and yet
in some ways
it feels that the loss has begun
i am in a place of wanting to build
and be together
and my friend
is in a different place
i hope
for the someday
when things feel aright

because
family
friends
great friends
they need to be appreciated
held close
to the heart
celebrated
regularly
and never taken forgranted

because

goodbye does come
and it hurts
but a little less
if we took the time
when we had it

blessings.

breaking heart

my 23 year old's best friend's mom died today.  suddenly.  unexpectedly.  she drowned.  i follow her facebook page.  she is...was.....so fun loving.  a smile.  a cheerful heart.  photos of soaking in and enjoying life with her husband and kids.  and i have bawled.  my heart breaks for that young man.  his mama was his anchor..his port.
his biological dad died when he was only in high school.  now, at the age of 23 he has lost both parents.  he has a step dad that adores him.  he has sisters.  but he and his mom..they were close.
and it got me thinking about how driven i am to make the memories.  to take the time.  to spend on a trip when really, not going could mean more money for other things.
but the memories.  the time.  the time away.  together.  with friends. with family.  it's worth it.  because you never know.  ever.
and taking time out.  taking time away.  it's necessary.

remnants

as of late, i have continued my journey in relationships.  having spent 20+ years with someone who treated me so unkindly led me to a place where i began to accept as normal being....overlooked, unappreciated, and somehow only worth the leftovers.  the crumbs.  the extras.
and it hurts my heart.  desperately.
because i've come to see in my life that i've allowed and expected it for so long that those that i have thought of as dear friends have become used to it as well.  and i am an afterthought. i am one to call if you need something.  i am one who will jump and be available.  i am someone who will put aside other stuff so that you can have what you want or need.  i am a person who values time and conversation with people.  i will work hard to find out if you are ok.  to find out how you are.  and if i am shut out on one front, i will pursue accept that but will still look for common ground.  i will work hard.  too hard, actually.
it's funny in a not so haha way.
just.  well.  odd.
someone said yes to me the other day.  no hedging.  no thinking.  just, "sure, let me grab my purse, tell my kids and husband and i'll go to dinner with you.".  it was a big deal.  it shouldn't be such a big deal.  it should happen more.  i should have people in life that ask me.  and when i ask that they say yes.  without me thinking that it's an inconvenience for me to have asked.  that hurts me deeply.  because that's how my ex was.  didn't have time to sit down with me.  always too "busy".  always that i was not valuable enough to deserve direct attention.  unless he was getting something.  or needed something.  or was stressed.  and i gave it.  and i did it willingly.  and i reminded myself that that's what love does.
but over time.  over these three years being apart.  well, i've seen more relationships.  i've prayed.  i've studied.  i've gotten out there and met some people.  and i've found that it's not normal.  it's not what i should expect.  when i ask someone to go for a drink or come over for a coffee or just to visit,i shouldn't feel like they are doing me a favor.  i am more valuable than that.
i am worth more than the leftover time.
i think.
because, frankly,
obviously i'm not.
because if i was that valuable, at least to them, it would not be that way.  i'm not unloved.  not despised.  just not valuable enough to be a priority.  i am someone that they speak to on their free time, not the one that they free up time to speak with.
and i know.
i'm annoying.
i'm a little weird.  or more.
i'm socially awkward.
but.
i'm valuable.
i'm loyal.
i'm kind.
i'm generous
i'm bright.
i'm creative.
i'm helpful.
i'm fun.
i'm willing.
i'm thoughtful.
i'm caring.
i'm strong.
i'm wise.
i'm me.
all of the bad and good mixed in.  ad i can't be anything else.
i'm just this package.
and so,
remnants.
of time.
of conversation.
of relationships.
and i give so much to those who keep me at arms length.
and love still.
fully and with all of my heart.
willingly.
because
it's who i am.
but.  i'm learning that there are people at there who think i'm worth more.  people who show up.  who answer.  who call.  who say yes.
and it shouldn't be such a shock.  it shouldn't bring tears  it shouldn't make me stand a little taller.
it should just be what friends and family do.
remnants.
they are something.  and sometimes they are all people have to give.  but, i have a feeling that i let it go on for too long when it was my only expectation.  i was so used to being there, to doing for, to working for others to make things work that i fed that in others.  and now....i find myself....bereft.  with nobody to blame but myself
but.
i don't blame myself.
i choose not to.
i choose happy.
every day.
i choose joy.
every day.
i choose.
life.
i choose to make whole the remnants with filling in the blanks.
i don't know if i'll always be able to.
but for now.
remnants they may be.
i may not be sought out or treasured.
yet,
my goal in life is not to be that.
my goal is to be kind.
to be remembered for being so very kind.
i have a long way to go.
and so i wake up every day with the goal.
with a new heart.
i forget...
they don't know i've changed.
with hard work.
and choices.
they don't know that i have done deep heart work.
and they don't know that it hurts.
remnants from some are worth as much or more than the whole from others.
it's a choice.
it is what it is.
remnants make the best quilts.
blessings to all....

alone again

well.  here i sit.  four dogs.  one ran off, but i retrieved him and now all of them and i are in my room with the door closed.  life is hard today.
i don't feel
pretty enough
like i'm enough
 thin enough
 pleasant enough
helpful enough
friendly enough
spiritual enough
delightful enough
enjoyable enough


because if i was......

i would have been

enough.

but i wasn't.

i'm not.

so, i've cried again.
and laughed at myself for my pity party
but my heart hurts.
a lot

i wanted to grab a friend and take a pretty mountain drive.
soak in the beauty.
enjoy it together.
but my friends were at my ex's party
or have other plans.

and ya know
people seem to like to be with me
or call me
or text me
when there's a purpose or a need
but that's pretty much it.

and i think that i'm just kind of
screwed.
i ask.
i say what i'd like.
but the world is a busy place
and i am not held close enough
to be a priority
and i will never again beg
to be a priority
for anybody
ever.
i won't beg
i won't guilt
i won't remind
i won't even wish
because the one lesson that i learned very well
is that someone being with you falsely
is worse than being alone

so, if i had a car, i'd go to a movie or out get a drink and a movie
i'd do something
because being alone in this room where i lived

with him

it's damn hard
today

not always
but today

because he's with the slender
younger
blond
woman
who now has my kids,
grandkids,
friends,
church
and husband
my town basically
since when she's here, this town feels small

yep.
alone again.
hit me like a brick.

oh, and a real brick hit me today as well.
my swollen and bruised foot
matches my aching and bruised heart

i really did
try in life
to be kind
gentle
loving
peaceful

and i plan on being moreso
as time goes by
but somehow
i guess i just don't fit in

not anymore

i divorced that nice man.
snort.
i did love well
i did try hard
i did have to stop
or die
i didn't want to die
though for years,
i was willing
i prayed that god would take me
so that my ex would be happy
because he was miserable with me
and i knew it
and divorce
"wasn't an option"
until it was

and now, here i am.
and there he is.
he got all of the people to side with him
as he always did
if he noticed i was getting close,
he charmed his way in
and there it is....
i'm not as charming
i don't fall under anyone's radar.
i'm not needy
but i have needs

choosing not to be the victim
has remained the hardest part of this journey
because it continually means a sense
of being invisible
i peek out now and then
or say a little something to try to explain how i feel
but i never just get it all out
no fair no fair no fair
i don't throw that tantrum
that rises up
i choose
to do differently

so sad tonight
should have made something to look forward to
but who knew
that him getting everything for his 50th
would hurt so damn bad?

Ever the Same

i have grown.  i have changed.  i have healed.  and i am ever the same.

i care deeply.  even when someone treats me poorly.  yesterday, i gave cash that i don't really have to spare to help my kids feel less stressed about their dad's birthday party food expense.  the party where he will turn 50 with his girlfriend.  the party that they tried to plan as a surprise but which go waylaid a bit and so now people know...but they were planning it.  and it's ever the same because that's how it was most years for my birthday.  i planned for him with the kids.  i taught them.  we schemed and talked about what to do and what to get.  my birthday was six weeks earlier and was generally a morning of or maybe late night before "what do you want to eat for your birthday?"
this year was hard.
i held out hope for far too long that my kids were just waiting until they were back in the state or something like that.  silly?  i know.  and not even very important.  and i excused them with their busy lives and limited money and whatever.  but then, there was the party for their dad.  and then the stress for my eldest son because he hadn't planned on so many people financially....and then there was me.....rescuing and honoring what my ex deserves.  because turning 50 is a big deal.  it's a blessing.  it's a wow moment.
but i saw him and his girl yesterday and was nearly in the same place twice more.  guess god saw fit to change my mind by  a couple of minutes.  and he and she took out the grandkids.
and my kids promised a big party at my next 50. :)  so, i'll live to be 100.
but last night, i realized that it's still ever the same.  still the fact that i have nowhere to run.  i have nobody who sees that sometimes i just need to be seen for who i am and not as a strong woman.  though, i am strong, sometimes, i just want to sit and watch a show or be quiet or whatever.....just soak in the comfort of being me without being anything to anyone else.  and i have been a lot to others in the last few days.  i got weary.  and i was alone.  and i actually like being alone.  but sometimes, i just need to lean somewhere.  and there was nowhere.
i was efficient.  i took care of what needed to be done.  i did it well.
and i cried my tears alone.
and i still doing so.
my kids will sit at church with my friends.
with my ex.
with his new woman.
with my grandkids.
he will be celebrated greatly.
he will be acknowledged.
and i am invisible.

but still.....it's not like it was before.  because now i can have my feelings.  i can weep and move on.  i can garden and read and write and plan what to do around my house.  i can acknowledge myself.  even when it's all alone.  i can acknowledge that i did something well....at great personal cost.  huge personal cost.  and i can also smile and look back and remember that i always knew that there was someone else that he cherished but that it wasn't me.  it was never me.  and living how i am now is loads better than living with someone who wished he was somewhere else.  who pretended.  who treated me poorly and with disdain.  who shamed me.  who pushed me away.  and this is where we got to.  and i am happy.
but there are some moments where i wish that i was seen.  that i wish that the losses and sacrifices were noted.  my kids just expect it.  my friends figure it's what i wanted so all was well.  what i wanted was a whole family.  but the price of that was living a lie.  so, i choose this.  i CHOSE this.
and i smile when i realize how right i was.  he wanted someone else.  and he has her.

it's just a little sad that she is sitting in my seat.  eating food i bought.  being with my grandchildren.  and that she doesn't know.  he doesn't know.  i have been gracious today.  i have helped the kids to do what they should do....because it's part of being a good parent.  teaching.  guiding.
but i deserve some time off about me.  maybe a mountain day trip.

Still Walking

It has been awhile since I've written.  I've been working hard and dealing with a lot of things to do.  I have a couple of sons home...one for the summer and one for the year.  I am happy to have them, and I am also having heartache about one.  The resentment/contempt that he has begun to show in little moments have reminded me of his dad.  And that's hard.  It's hard to have someone not ask why, not want to discuss, not want help, but want help....it's really hard to be a single mom of young men.  Their dad plays with them occasionally.  I'm the only catalyst for forward motion.  I'm the only one that they take out any emotional stuff on.  And, right now, I am tired.  School has worn me out.  I love my students and my curriculum and my coworkers.  A large amount of people that I love working with are leaving and my heart is aching.
And, it's good to talk about it.  But my kids don't really care.  I might get an "mmm hmmmm"....from them.  Maybe.
I slept yesterday and that helped a lot.
I'm still walking.
Sometimes I want to say, "your dad was a real jerk to me and that's why I divorced him so quit giving me crap....I had enough for a lifetime."  But I won't.
Just keep walking.
And loving.
And learning how to do things with grace.  Somehow.
blessings.

the clouds

clouds come in life.

and cast shadows.

and the shadows feel like reality

but the reality is that there's a whole world of light above the clouds. 

and faith means choosing to remember the sunny place above the clouds when all you can see is the shadow.  the dark.  

but sometimes the storm comes even up above the clouds

darkness threatens to overtake the light

and at that moment, the only thing to do is to take a breath and trust the Pilot.  there's nothing to do.  there's nothing to control.  all you can do is relax, breathe and have faith that you are still in the light.  clouds come.  

but they are not the reality.

the reality is the light

that causes clouds

to cast a shadow.

it's not dark.

just shadowed.

be of good courage.

there is light.

everywhere.

rope's end

tonight nearly did me in.  or maybe it was the day.  my practicum teacher melted into sobbing tears.  long testing day with kids that were crazy from wind and rain and clouds.  and then i came home to a house that was a wreck.  a guest bathroom in shambles.  dog pee on the floor.  a daughter's room STILL not cleaned.  and i finally....lost it.  i said that i was angry.  i told her that i resent that i am willing to work hard and even willing to do 80% of the work, but that i can't make it without help and with someone going around leaving all undone.  then i left and got us each a starbucks.  came home and we talked.  i didn't back down...which is unusual because i feel sorry for her.  but, eventually we poked around til we got to the issues.  i pushed the sore spots and got out the puss...so to speak.  and she is a happier girl with a clean bathroom AND bedroom tonight.   and she got off her chest that she is stressed by all of the school push of tests.  she is stressed by her friends saying what score she needs to have.  she is stressed.  but i finally said that stressed or not she has to do some things...that it's part of growing up.  and..she did.  and she was happy tonight.  we both bawled much, but it was healing too.
i need to tie a knot in the rope and try to get ready for this trip for the graduation.  could be why we are a little tired.
onward.

beautiful

sometimes i wonder what constitutes beautiful in a woman.  i am on the heavy side these days, but i feel more beautiful than i felt for many years.  i feel...free and confident.  i feel able to choose.  i feel like i am not made to conform to clothes but rather, they should conform to me.  i am not made for them, they are made for me.
yet.
there is this niggling doubt.  maybe i'm just horrible looking.  really, sometimes i look in the mirror and i see the cellulite.  and the veins.  and the flabby tummy. and i wonder.  can i be beautiful just as i am?  can i be content and happy and joyful?
because i like feeling beautiful.  standing tall.  it raises the soul to new heights.
but sometimes, my eyes make me think something different.  they look at others and look at me and say that i'm not enough.  that there's no wonder my ex was not enchanted with me.  it's this horrible place to be.  so, i choose to stay away from there.  i try hard not to even walk near the edge.
i strive to be content with my body and to work on being healthy.
still, it's a little bit sad to realize that i'm not one that people will ever notice.  not my face.  not my body.  i'm just rather plain.  a little heavy.  gray hair.  but i have joy.  it seeps out.  and people see that. it's infectious.   and maybe....maybe feeling beautiful that way is enough for me.  maybe it alone can make me feel good in a dress.  maybe simply knowing that i can bring happiness and encouragement to others can make me feel like i'm lovely.
sometimes it does.  and sometimes, i fall victim to the myth of outer beauty.  the myth is deadly poison that destroys the soul.  steals the smile.  so, any moment that i feel it happening, i choose...to change my mind.
i was created.  created beautiful.  the poem of my master.  his art.  how can i criticize his art when i am so complimentary and in awe of human artists?  need to keep perspective.  have to do some big things in the next couple of weeks.  going to college graduation.  going to awards ceremony with colleagues.  i can do it.  not easily, but i can.  i just have to keep my focus right so that i don't feel like a fraud in dress up clothes.
blessings.

easy like a sunday morning....

ha.
whoever wrote that song wasn't a churchgoer who got divorced.

i never knew how hard sundays would get when i got divorced.  i didn't know that i would be mostly ostracized, that my kids and their needs would fade next to the victim status of their dad.  i didn't know that at some point, i would peek my head back out and go back to see those people with whom i had done life for over twenty years...that i would let down my guard...share my heart...beg them to hear my daughter.....and then have them report back to her dad.  that is just wrong.

so, i'm home this morning.  i got up.  a beautiful day.  worked on cleaning my stove top.  praying.  talking to my daughter.  she's going to church today.  she has a date with someone to go jewelry shopping for prom after church.  i will never tell my daughter where the leak came from that made her dad approach her with his bit of guilt.  that's my burden to carry.  at this point, she thinks it was her brother who is in tight with her dad.  that's fine.
but, i'm home.  with a renewed understanding of why it doesn't work very well to attend the same church as your ex.  but i think i've adjusted to it.  though it sucked.  though it wasn't fair.  i'm fine.  i'm not afraid to go anymore.  i jumped that hurdle by going back.  but, it's not the best thing because i can't be myself and open and honest without people reporting back to him.  so, i choose not to do that.

it's a lovely day.  easy like a sunday morning.  laid back.  comfortable.  i am blessed.

https://www.facebook.com/TheJourney.Me/photos/a.1435355760062998.1073741828.1435353456729895/1573940109537895/?type=1

This site shows a diagram of the journey of grief.  It's beautiful.

Single Mom Life

i'm a strong woman.
i have good character
and a good sense of humor to go with it
i am positive and encouraging
i am hopeful.
yet,
sometimes,
when i'm doing one of the two dozen chores
that need to be done
i find that there
is a bit of sadness
a bit of wishing that
i didn't have to get it all done
don't get me wrong
i don't want a husband
i just want my kids or someone
to sometimes see how lovely it would be
if they said
"i'll take care of that"
from the brakes on the car
to the mowing
to the room that needs finished
to the trim work
to the garden
to the transmission fluid
to the headlights
to the dinner
to the breakfast
to the tree trimming
to the making a she shed
to the barn cleaning
to the weeding
to all of it.
all
of
it.
all
all
all
and instead of anyone doing things
i get remarks about how i need to get something done
or how it needs to be done
duh, like i wasn't aware

but, today i loosened the soil around the peonies and roses.
i shined my headlights
with toothpaste and a scrub brush
i vaccuumed the kitchen
i moved some of the hay to the compost pile
i sat down.
and i feel like i need to get up and do more
but i have to transport my kid
twice more today
really

and i love my life
i just wish
that occasionally
someone would see
the job that i'm doing
while working full time
and parenting full time
but they don't see.
at all.
blinders.

stillllll
i am so full of joy
so happy
so content
and i'm ok with not getting everything done
and with not knowing where the money will come from
and feeling a little bit unable
because in all of that dwells faith
real faith
i have no control
all i have is willingness
that's it

so,
off i go to do some more and love living
after all, i want another fifty years, so i gotta get a move on

blessings.

rough days

today i was blindsided by someone at a lunch date.  i had expressed to his wife that life is hard with people siding with my ex.  her husband has barely spoken to me in three years.  he used to call me.  he used to laugh with me.  he used to respect me.  we were actually friends.  but, now, he hangs with my ex.  has him over for holidays.  and the games.  goes out to watch games.  he is friendlier with him than ever was when i was married.  he and my ex saw one another if the women planned an event.  period.  but, my ex pursued him after the divorce...as he did others in our circle...and the man bought in.  he became his friend and not mine.  now, i believe him that he can tolerate me.  but, if we are friends, why haven't i had him check on me in three years?  why did he quit giving my daughter the attention that she always needed from a dad figure.....when she needed it most?  why?
i accepted his words, but they cut at my soul.
i had opened up to my friend.  she had said that she is my friend and he is my exes.  she said that she laughs with and is polite to and friendly with my ex at church and at choir.  and all i wonder is..."how is that any different than before?"  how would my ex ever get the idea that she understands that there was something wrong?  how do people not get that something was DESPERATELY WRONG?
and this weekend marked the end to the idea that maybe the rest of my kids would remember that i had a birthday.  or that maybe there was something special and that's why they didn't do something on the day.  i kinda thought that they would do cake or something.  but, i'm really glad i planned to go out on my birthday.  i splurged a little bit.  can't really afford much right now, but needed to be doing something and not feeling sorry for myself.  and the online guy?  he forgot.  and it wouldn't have mattered if he hadn't said that he was figuring out a way to say that he appreciates me. it made my heart ache.  not having parents in your life really sucks on birthdays.
and daughter and i are having to make some new habits and strides.  we've gone back to hiding/retreating mode.  it's not horrible.  people look at us like we're awful for not eating every meal together.  we'll get there again.  soon, i hope.  we've been in survival mode.  she has been so troubled.  it hurts me heart so very much that i can barely breathe.  thank god that he understands my heart words and doesn't require me to put them into actual words.  i am searching for help desperately.  the weight is so very much.
and money.  i hate money. ha.  i actually don't worry about it.  i choose to give it to my provider.  to let it go.  but man, some months i get slammed.  this month, on top of paying on five sets of medical bills and airline tickets and hotels....i found out that i owe $400 for the end of year homeowners insurance.  soon.  i didn't plan on it.  yikes.  but it always works.  always.  there is peace in the journey.  and i sleep well.  i am given that gift.  and he has kept my car that needs maintenance going.  nobody steps up and says "let me help", but still, our needs and even wants are met.  we are kept.  my children are safe and here.  life is not about money.  i have to do it better.   i'm trying to do it better.  but, i'm so glad that god doesn't hold it against me.
and church.  it was so nice to go for a few weeks.  but, i don't think that i want to anymore.  it made it hard on others.  too difficult.  not what it's about.  i am free from the fear of seeing my ex.  but, it doesn't mean that it's good.  besides, what people don't seem to get is that it would be hard to feel at home again and then have to watch them go be friends with his new woman.  that's going to be really hard for my kid.  i don't think that i need to be there.  i wouldn't have anyone to sit with.  but, on top of all of the other, that's kind of heavy right now.
going back to school tomorrow.  lesson plans done.  don't have as much done as i hoped, but at least i got some things done.  and i entered recovery again. and made a plan with my girl to help us get better.  and i spoke up.  and i worked.  and i rested.  and had joy.  life is good.  even in the rough days.

putting in time

ok.  the deep things.  the things that matter. to me.

time to be honest.  with me.

it matters to not be with people who feel like they are putting in time with me.
who don't answer when i call. or text. or message.  or email. or write letters. or call.
really.  not sure why i let it slide.
do i think so little of me?
i let things go.
i choose joy.
i give myself what i need.
but.
there is a but.
a but that i rarely go to.
but it would be nice
to be sought
to be asked
to be heard
to be missed
to be thought about
to be me
and still be
important
answer my text
my call
think of me
when i don't reach out
laugh with me
help with the conversation
i'm not very good at it
know me
and act on that
i don't need big and fancy
but i do need
knowing
being present
i do need to know
that there are people
who not only care
but are
vested
who don't put in time
because they should
or because it's nice
but because they want
to be
with me.
because i guess i realize now
that obligation
smarts for me
my ex was committed
in an obligatory fashion
and my whole heart and soul
cringe when they feel that

be real
be honest
be open
share your heart
let me see you
be
you
just be with me
being you

friends
i need that in life
i need depth
i need your
realness
i need you to know
that i'm
vulnerable
and a little
needy
but not so
fragile
that you can't
share
cry
ask for help

i can't
do all
of the effort
i can't make
you enjoy me
i can't
express how much it means to me
at least not without being
dubbed as weird

yes.
i am deep
and complex
and a pain in the ass

but i am loyal
and gentle
and fun
and smart
too

and i wish
that i had people
around
who
couldn't wait
to be with me
or talk to me
because
i'm worth more
thank putting in time
i'm worth
it
or
am i
i certainly wasn't
to my ex
not worth any
extra time
or sitting down
i wasn't worth being kind to
wasn't worth standing up for
wasn't worth buying new clothes for
wasn't worth really loving
only being committed
only worth a facade

and i don't have some huge extended family
that swoops in like most of you do
what i get
i get from you
you guys are my family
the family i chose, yes,
but still
family
but i don't want you to put in time
to make excuses about how you don't
"stay in touch with anyone, that's just not you"
or push me away by being distant.
i don't need that.
if you aren't all in
don't be in
just be truthful
walk away
say what you need
because really
i look over my
rather large group of
"friends"
and i wonder why it is
that my phone never rings
rarely texts
and that most contact is initiated by me
i'm guessing that there's just
something weird about me
and i can live with that
but don't hang out
because it makes you feel better
to
put in the time
nah
i like relationships
i like taking hours
i like being seen
and seeing
and being understood
and understanding
i like messy
and real
the fake crap?
i had a lifetime's worth
i don't need a bit more of it.
so.
don't put in time on my account
if you don't need me
just don't do it

yep, time to remember that it's ok
to have needs of my own.  ok to think
that sometimes people should show up

glad

i've made choices
and i'm glad
for the choice
to not meet the internet guy
my kid doesn't need it
none of my kids do
but also,
i can't deal with that
right now
need to deal with too much
around here
and though
others might not understand
i'm glad
yes,
though i might lose him
i like him
but i am absolutely in love
with my kids
and i'm glad to be here for them
so glad

quiet day

i have six kids.  two remembered my birthday.  weird day.  i'm completely content.  i am at ease.  but, i checked my facebook page and got 14 wishes...all time low. ha.  i spent the day with no candles nor being asked what the fam should cook for dinner.  got a couple of texts.  couple of phone calls.  got no cards in the mail today.  it was a strange day.  it was the kind of day that is a little surreal.
i realized that i planned my own day out and the only reason i did was because i wanted to celebrate a friend.  i'm not sad.  just  a bit reflective. came home.  poured a glass of wine. watching a show.  resting.  daughter out with a friend.  spending the night.  life is just this way.
strange.
my friends celebrated five days early.  probably i shouldn't do that anymore.  makes the day of a little bit sad. a little empty.
it was my 50th.  i spent it with a dear friend.  it was enough.
i have to realize sometime that the fact is that i'm not going to be celebrated exuberantly.  i have to realize that it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with me.
a quiet day. a nice day.  a big birthday.  fifty lovely years.
i am blessed.
blessings.

50

gonna be 50 tomorrow. FIFTY.  really.  amazingly.  fabulously.  excellently.  so cool.  really cool. don't even know why it's so exciting, but it is.  a gift.  i lived.  i made it.  i did more than just survive.  i am growing.  living.  choosing.

but right now, i'm working to not be sad.  working on it.  not there yet.  happy.  but...it's a little hard not to get the mail.  it's super hard not to have a mom when it's my birthday.  that's it.  that's what brings the tears.  it's like.....just nobody who actually celebrates that day.  the day.  my birth.

sad a bit.  and that's ok.  totally ok.  because sad is real.  sad is honest.  sad is a part of loss.

and right along with the sad is.........joy.  for being loved.  and cared for.  and held through it all.  

fake

so, the aunt that doesn't talk to me.  that tells my daughter that she doesn't talk to me.  just posted on my timeline for my bday....to be the first and to say she loves me.  it hurts.  really.  how in the world.  why does she say in public loving things and in private treat me as second best?  i guess i lived with that for far too long and now it holds no meaning. just fake.  empty.  missing depth.  blech.

tired of fake.  so. tired. of. fake.

the struggle

making fun.  not of self, but of others.  my kids have it down.  a coping mechanism.  a work around.  but it hurts me.  deeply.  i hate it.  above and beyond......hate it.  not talking about teasing with a gentle heart, but the digs.  comes from their life of having to compete to be seen.  to be accepted.  to have to be the best.  competition was their dad's goal in all things.  it created an atmosphere that doesn't feel safe to fail or to ask questions.  when it occurs still, it crushes me.  i bawled this afternoon after my daughter made fun of the fact that i didn't know how to use netflix on our tv with the wii remote.  i never use it.  i said, "oh, i need help"....and she proceeded to laugh and ridicule.  this was after refusing to help me move a piece of furniture and giving the "i don't care" attitude.  she is so self centered right now.  and...today...it's hard for me.  it's my birthday tomorrow.  but i think that it's pretty much over already before it has even come.  and that's fine.  i can plan myself something to do tomorrow.  but, still, i don't know how someone who dearly loves celebrating people has ended up with this dilemma in life.  well, i do.  i had to settle for all of those years i was married.  the whole "what do you want to do?" thing.  the thing of....i don't want to go out of my way to think of something that you would enjoy.
this year, i already bought my trip.  my gift to myself for my 50th.  nobody might be able to come, but i guess i still get to go to the beach.  it isn't what i hoped to look forward to, but at least i did something. at least this milestone will be honored by my having time at the beach.  at least, i will hopefully have some people come.
but i'm really struggling. i just need some kindness to my heart.  i feel myself slipping to that under the covers place.  something about the whole weekend and then my daughter being on the slide again.  and that means that i again have to walk a tightrope.  and that makes me really pissed.....REALLY pissed with my ex.  and how  often can you say that to anyone?
i am struggling.  i hurt today.  i have things to do, but i'm tethered by the fact that my daughter is being so difficult and i have to interact and try to get her to be more helpful...but she won't be and it upsets me.  a lot.  like a deep ache.  and anger.  and fear for her.  i want her to make it.
just sick of being pushed back to this place because of the ex having his head up his butt.  he needs to grow up and be a father, but i don't think he cares.  

like me

i smile as i see how my grown kids are "like me". one took a nice long drive to think. one is writing a letter to her dad...that she doesn't intend to send....to get out her feelings.  and i saw how it helped him.  and i saw how it helped her.  and...i saw me.

today was really a tough one.  my ex is a jackass.  he has no clue.  no idea. no sense of what it takes to be a parent.  how the hell can he not have a clue after 23 years of being a father?  how can he not see them?  how can he not see how it destroyed my daughter when he just said, "i have a date" when they got off of a plane in tx?  no head's up.  no clue.  no opportunity to talk it over.  extended family. no privacy.  no consideration.  none.
my daughter has bawled.  absolutely cried her eyes out.  she has trouble showing her anger and it kills me.  i push her to it.  poke at it a little bit.eventually,i can get her to say what she feels. but it's hard on us.  makes me the "bad" guy.  but, it's like lancing the puss from the wound.  it has to come out.  but, dammit, he keeps opening it up and reinfecting it.  she just starts to heal and there's a new thing. i wish that he would just man up and say it all at once, out loud to all of his kids.  tell them point blank that he loves someone and wants to make a life.  i even feel sorry for the woman.  i mean, how weird that he never just says aloud to his kids what's what.

wrote to my daughter.  i love her.  it's not enough.  i pray for her.  it won't fix it all.  but, i'll stay.  i'll let her be mad at me.  i'll even encourage it.  i will help her fight the depression.  i'll try.  i'll stay.  i'll be honest.  i'll admit my foibles.  i will take responsibility. i will grieve for her loss of never getting to be her daddy's little princess.

rough day.

happy easter

this may be my new favorite holiday.
holy day.
the day that jesus proved his conquering of death.
the day that the tomb opened.
the day where the rallying cry the began with
crucify him!
ends with
HE IS RISEN!
He is risen indeed.

and i think that i understand more and more
of what it means to return to life
to go from unfeeling
dead
numb
buried
hidden
put aside
to being
ALIVE

alive.

the celebration of life unbeatable
unquenchable
neverending
possible for all
free

and i celebrate.
i am
free
i am
alive
i am
revived.

thanks be to god
for new life.

even life after
divorce
life.
real.
life.
blessed
life
and i'm so giddily thankful.


blessings.

brave girl

i am brave.
courageous
full of spunk
and i am able to do
hard things
even if nobody sees
why they are hard
and i am able to be
happy with me
how i am
where i am
take a breath
stand tall
jump

small group kinda gal

i like.....small.
if you see me in a crowd, i'll be with one or two.
if i am invited to a huge do...i'll most likely bail.

i like good food.
love it.
and yummy desserts.
nom nom nom.

i like sunny days.
rainy days.
snowy days.
cloudy days.
i like life.
desperately.

i smile.
not fake.
although i can.
but normally, i'm pretty amazingly happy.

i get hurt when snubbed.
or shut down.
or ridiculed.
or minimalized.
because i struggle to share my heart.
to be vulnerable.
to be authentic.
and it's a gift.
and if you throw it back at me
it hurts.
a lot.

i choose open.
and vulnerable.
and genuine.
because it gives others freedom to do the same.
i like seeing people free.

i like being reached out to.
simply.
semi regularly
with care.
it makes me feel valued.


i like my little group.
or even just one.
i'm not rude.
nor antisocial.
nor shy.
i just do better
am not so overwhelmed
am more peaceful
with those few that i'm close with.
making it even harder when my group,
my tribe
my girls
are splintered.
i'd sometimes rather just be alone than
work at being with a huge group of socialites.

i'm a small group kinda' gal.
worth knowing.
weird
but still
every so loyal
gentle
and badass.
and if you are in my small group
you know that there's no time
no thing
no thought
that i won't walk through with you.

small group kinda' gal.
i'm just who i am.

Not Sure

I can cope.  But.  I don't want to "cope".  I want to feel happy and comfortable.  At ease.  Not...working through.  Not pushing through.

Good life.  Love lots of stuff.

But this birthday thing with more than I had originally realized.  And, a friend that today reminded me of why I struggle.  If I say anything about my ex, she always defends him.  Not intentionally, but she explains why he does something that is hurtful like I am being nitpicky.  It shuts me down.  Had coffee today, and by the end I was almost crying.

I used to try to feel a certain way.  Now, I realize that how I feel is just how I feel.  Just have to deal with that reality of feeling.  Have to just cope with it. Don't have to stuff it.   Admit that it hurts...if only to myself.  And grieve.  And allow myself to grow and heal through it.

But, it made me reticent about the birthday deal.  At first I thought that there were three or four of us.  Now, I realize that there are eight of us.  And today, I felt myself go into survival mode.  The "get through it" mode.  It's sad because I was really looking forward to it.  I had nearly forgotten that pit in my stomach difficult feeling.  But now, I'm there.  The tired feeling.  Overwhelmed.  Troubled.

So, what do I do?

Take a breath.  Sit down.  Cut myself slack.  Keep being me.  Just me.  How I am.  In the situation I find myself.  Even if nobody gets it.  Or cares.  Or sees.  Or understands.  Or senses how I feel.  Even if.  I just have to let it go.  Again.  Over and over.

And my ex will be singing and on the stage at the Easter services.  Blah. And I don't have anybody to sit with.  Blah again.  So, I think I'll just stay home and be viewed yet again as "the heathen".  Seriously.

Not crying.  Right now.  But the heaviness aches.  

still second best

i have come a long way.  i have learned so much since i finally stood up and decided to live my life.  since. i. divorced.  a long way.  and i am happy.  and i am at peace.  and life is beautiful.

and yet.

that's in my heart.  that's in my home.  that's in my world.  that's at my job.  that's in this new world.

in the world of church people.  in the world that i came from.  in the world where people assume the right to decide for others.  well.

my life is considered second best.
my life is considered ok...with a side of shame.
my life is considred...tainted.

but what if they saw me?
what if they understood that maybe this is god's plan for me?
what if?

life would be kinder for me.

because how it is.
is hard.
i still have to be nervous when going to events with certain people.
i have to watch being too happy.
too....settled and peaceful.
it makes them
uncomfortable.
at best.
testy.
at worst.
and my birthday is coming.
and i have to remember how to keep some thoughts to myself.
how to speak well of my ex.
how to act sorry.
but
i'm not sure that i can anymore.
and that makes me nervous.
on my birthday.
and that is too bad.
because i am nice to them
i am understanding.
i don't expect them to have to act a certain way.
or be something.
but.
divorce changed everything in how some of them
view
me.

so.
i take a breath.
i prepare myself.
i feel the tears that i blink back.
i wish.
i wonder.
why?

why are they so quick to misunderstand?
so quick to find fault?
so quick to think that they know how things were?
so quick to think that my life is anything but god's plan?
so quick to assume that i screwed up what would have been best?

i don't know.
but i do know that there are some people that i love dearly
and who also scare me now.
because  they wield a sense of spiritual power.
of being
somehow
better.
untainted.
and i see the look.
i make it through seeing.
eating.
small talk.
i do it.
but now.
i have to keep from saying how much happier i am.
on MY birthday.
and i find it ludicrous.
totally ludicrous.
totally.

but i know i'll do it.
because somewhere in me,
i have trouble believing
that i'm not
second best
because i'm divorced.
not as good.
never to be asked to lead again.
or be the "wise" one.
or the prayer warrior.
never thought of as those things anymore.
instead
i get to be tolerated.
i get to be treated as if...
they are doing me a favor to be nice.

and it's really too bad.
because in reality
i know more about god's grace
and goodness
and hope
and peace
and joy
than ever before

it's too bad that they find it offensive in this package
wrapped with divorce.

on my birthday.
on my day.
i have to think about them.
seriously.
i have to sit and know
that my life which blesses me
which meets needs for others
which has been radically changed
is viewed as

second best.

bling and baubles

bracelets.  earrings.  necklaces. rings.  hair bands.  toe rings.  turns out...i like them all.

i spent so many years not having anything for myself.  always having to be last.  always being questioned if i bought anything. i became...hesitant.  reticent.  i became unaware of what i actually enjoy.

it's not the expense.  it's the....feeling of pretty.  i love the feeling of getting my jewelry on in the morning. i love the feeling of dangly earrings and clattering bracelets.  i love the remembrances in my rings of grandfather and mother.  i love the friends who have made me things of beauty.

bling and baubles.  outward adornment of a soul set free. ready to fly.  a soul growing in the beauty that was placed there by her creator.  mind and heart and soul...free to worship...free to love...free to give...free to risk...free to flaunt it all just a little bit.

oh...and lace.  lace is lovely. :)

have a blessed april fool's day.  he is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.  i gave up popularity and respect.  i gave up looking right.  i gave up pretenses.  i gave up.  and i gained life.  a life that i cannot lose.

i am delighted.  i am delighted in.  and it is spilling over in the silliest ways....including jewelry.
blessings my loves.

Reset

I had to push the reset button this week.  I was focusing in the wrong place and on the wrong things.  I was overwhelmed and feeling overlooked and unappreciated.  And the fact is that my life is pretty overwhelming. And, I am pretty much overlooked and not in a place in life where I get many kudos.  However, there was only one reset button to push.  It wasn't a button labeled notice me.  Nor a button labeled appreciate me.  The button labeled stress free is permanently stuck.  The only button that I could push was the CHOOSE button.  Choose happy.  Choose thankful.  Choose encouragement.  Choose to be who you are.  Choose to smile.   Choose deep joy.  Choose to see the beauty.  Choose life.  Choose love.  Choose laughter.  Choose genuine.  Choose peace.  CHOOSE.  My life is not something being done to me.  It is a process that I am going through.  And I get to choose how to learn, how to give, how to be blessed...each and every breath.  Circumstances and others are NOT up to me, but how I respond, what I see, how I react, how I act, how I cope, how I grow...those are up to me.  So, I pushed the reset button.
And life altered completely.  Absolutely.  The sky was bluer.  The house was possible.  The job was again a blessing.  Every sunrise.  Every cloud.  Every reflection on the water.  Breathtaking.  The sound of birds came again.  I saw the flowers and not just the weeds.
Whatever is good.
Whatever is excellent.
Whatever is worthy of praise.
Whatever is noble.
Whatever is true.
Whatever is pure.

Think.
Think on these things.
And the God of peace will be WITH you.

Choose.  Choose to reset.  The world doesn't reset.  WE reset.  And it takes a hard moment of decision.  A moment of knowing that all will remain the same while we allow our hearts to be realigned.  Then the rest follows.

So, the sun is brighter.  The jobs are doable.  The problems are opportunities.
People think I'm an optimist.  Not really.  Positive thinking gets me nowhere.  But focusing on good  On beauty.  On truth.  Somehow, it completely changes how everything looks.  Feels.  Seems.
It's like twisting the kaleidoscope and making a new design out of the same shapes and colors.  Lovely.

blessings, my dears.  

healing process

the healing process post divorce is murky.  i have come so far after so much pain.  i have found some clarity...especially since his relationship with his old girlfriend.  i have found a lot of closure.  i enjoy being without him.  really do.  though it's not popular to say so. he's not a nice guy.  charming, yes.  nice, no.  and, as time has gone by, i have had to deal with those "arrow" stories that occurred during my marriage...those life changing stories that struck and i put meaning to.  the thing is, i was an adult.  a lot of times, stories like these occur to children.  but, mine came during marriage.  they are clear and they are intense.  and...they don't have to hold sway over how i behave anymore.   but, it has been on my mind to meet with him.
understand, i NEVER meet with him.  i've called him once ever.  i email.  i text rarely.  the only safe place for my heart with him is apart.  he has power over me that is not safe.
but.
my kids.  they deserve some things before my ex gets married.  and the window is closing for me to do so.  and i don't know whether to do it or not.  maybe i just feel a need to do it because it's part of the healing process.  maybe it's just a desire that comes at this point in healing.  or, maybe it's a prompting because i need to do it to help my kids.  i'm not sure.  i asked a friend.  she didn't answer.
another friend said she'd pray for me.  but, there's nobody who wants to talk it out.  so, yes, i pray.  yes, i'll think long and hard.  but, it has been on my mind for a few weeks.  i'm curious about whether this is the norm for people in the healing process.  maybe in my mind i just feel a need to meet and show that i'm ok...or to finish things...or....i don't really know.  i don't want to see him.  the idea of sitting down to coffee is pretty horrible.  and yet...maybe i have to show myself that i can?  that i have come to a place where he does not hold all of the power over me?
the healing process is interesting.  and definitely a process.  up and down.  side to side.  but always, even when it's imperceptible, forward.  blessed and carried.  held.  saved by the grace of god.  freed.
and i am so relieved. even when there's confusion for a bit.
blessings.