I am strong. Stronger than people know or see. Not because I'm tough. No, moreso because I choose to live how I want to be. Even in the midst of this hard time. To try to shoot for something great. Something amazing, even when all it looks like is that everything is bad. I see how even a bad situation can be better. I have empathy. And having empathy takes vast amounts of courage and strength. Not enabling... just that knowing and walking with someone's emotional state and experience.
Being who I am, where I am is very hard. I can see my husband's points. Clearly. I understand. But he doesn't understand that I have my own self. My own person to be. And that I can't deny that. In any way. I have to honor this person that was created. Though, I haven't. I make her wait. All of the time. I put her aside. I even toy with the idea of letting her go away just so that there can be peace in this house. No, not talking suicide. Not at all. Just talking about going back and making this house "peaceful" by making him happy. By doing whatever it takes. But if I do that...I know that the woman I am supposed to be will be gone. And if I give up now, I'm not sure that I'll ever get her back. I think that it would finally destroy her. And yet, thought that is the price...the ultimate price...in the night, I nearly thought that I would do it.
Here I sit. Wondering where he has gone. Grabbed the paper. Headed west. Town is east. I thought that he was just taking the water bill in when I saw the direction he went. But he hasn't returned. But I live....looking....nervous...wondering...."when will he return?" "How will he be?"
I just want him to get a place. To give me space. To allow healing. He can't hear me. Can't see me. Or won't. And how sad that makes me. Because I have been willing for so long to give so completely.
grace.
Being who I am, where I am is very hard. I can see my husband's points. Clearly. I understand. But he doesn't understand that I have my own self. My own person to be. And that I can't deny that. In any way. I have to honor this person that was created. Though, I haven't. I make her wait. All of the time. I put her aside. I even toy with the idea of letting her go away just so that there can be peace in this house. No, not talking suicide. Not at all. Just talking about going back and making this house "peaceful" by making him happy. By doing whatever it takes. But if I do that...I know that the woman I am supposed to be will be gone. And if I give up now, I'm not sure that I'll ever get her back. I think that it would finally destroy her. And yet, thought that is the price...the ultimate price...in the night, I nearly thought that I would do it.
Here I sit. Wondering where he has gone. Grabbed the paper. Headed west. Town is east. I thought that he was just taking the water bill in when I saw the direction he went. But he hasn't returned. But I live....looking....nervous...wondering...."when will he return?" "How will he be?"
I just want him to get a place. To give me space. To allow healing. He can't hear me. Can't see me. Or won't. And how sad that makes me. Because I have been willing for so long to give so completely.
grace.
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