balance

Ok, I'm staying up much later than I intended, but that is because I am working on being peaceful.  On calm.  On getting rid of the knots and kinks and coldness that have overtaken me.  And you know what?  I can.  It's difficult.  Unnerving.  Painful.  Yet, possible.
And for that, I am happy.  My eyes hurt.  I wish that I had a car tomorrow.  Trapped.  Hate that.  But, overall, I am learning that even when I desperately needed something....like this day, my first day at home in a long long time....and when it doesn't happen.....I can do more than survive.  Well, at least, I can survive and then maybe, as time goes by, maybe I will be able to quit allowing it...him....to devastate me. 
I got his message that he's not as bad as some people.  Snort.  Stupid excuse.

The Horrors

Today I needed to rest.  Really rest.  Body.  Mind.  Soul.  Been working crazy hours.  Nutso.  All because I want to have some time on a trip with my kids.  All was well.  Til it wasn't.  And now, after hours of crap, I have a horrible headache, my peace was robbed and I wonder why?????? 
If he turns it all around to him anymore I might truly lose my mind.  It was NOT ok.  I finally cried.  It's too much.  Too hard.  Too long.  Too stupid to keep rehashing.
I might as well have worked.  Seriously.  Wish I would have.  I would feel more rested now.  As it is, I feel awful.  Alone.  Shaky.  Shaken.  Pukey.  Hurt.  Wounded.  Pain.  Literally.  Physical as well as emotional.  Shit.  I had finally given up sleep aids.  Now my heart is racing.  It should be bedtime.  And he takes food and goes to his room.
But, I am fighting back in my heart.  NOBODY is allowed to steal my peace.  But it's SO hard.  Hate it hate it hate it.  blah.  blech.  icky.  nasty.
And, I had thought that it was going to be ok.  That's the hardest part.  I had finally breathed a sigh of relief and thought that today was going to be ok.  BAM.  Always.
Told him I'm done.  That I never want any of his money again. That he is mean and hurtful.  To me.  Not to everyone.  He baits me.  Wants to fight.  It soothes him in some weird way.
Pounding.  My head.  My fingers on the keys.  My heart.  My mind.  My thoughts.  aaaarrrgggghhhh!!!!!!
I want peace!!!!!  Happy.  The ability to have an opinion or make a decision.  To not always be second guessing myself.  Can't wait to go on my trip....I need to have a vacation.  Desperately.
I choose to heal.  To get stronger.  To not be sucked into the pattern.  It's so familiar.  It's hard to step back.  To remember that I can choose.  I get to.
This is to letting go of the horrors.  To thinking on the lovely.  The excellent.  The hope.  To allowing the crease in my forehead to unpucker and relax.  Stress does not have to remain.  Regardless, I am loved.  And though I can't yet believe it.....I am worth it.

Finding a New Normal

I have been struggling with what normal should look like.  With how I need to behave.  With what I need to do and be.  With how my life is supposed to look.  With how it really does look. 
It's sad in some ways, and miraculously wonderful in others.  I still am sad and hurting over what could of and should have been.  With not being enough. With knowing that forgiving and giving chances is to no avail.  That it's always not enough.  That life revolves around what he wants.  What he needs.  What he wants to talk about.  What is in his best interest.  It has taken me so long to realize it.  but now it is easier to call it when I see it.  And, I am finding a new normal.
It doesn't look like the knight in shining armor fairy tale.  But I am learning how to be happy making my own happy ever after.  How to decide and live with my decisions.  How to give and love and hope and believe but not be used or manipulated.  I am working hard.  I am looking forward.  Most of the time.  Because some of the time is spent wondering how I could be such a dismal failure.  Seriously.  Right? 
Seems like I should just be willing to suck it up and make the best of it, right?  Just not willing anymore.  And that feels somehow evil.  It feels like it must be wrong to try to find a life that allows me to be content and at peace.
Like wanting to buy a car.  Or take a trip.  Or thinking about how I will look for stuff at salvage places for my yard and house.  The vision is getting clearer for what the house could be like.....and strangely, I can't do it when he's around because I have to be all bound up. 
I want to live and learn.  Make mistakes.  Try.  Give.  Think.  Wonder.  Dream.  I want to learn what it is to be accepted just how I am.  Even when I'm not too great. 
I want to work.  To earn my way.  To quit feeling like I'm waiting for a handout.  I'm expected to ask.  I despise that.  I use my own money to provide the kids with the things they need...clothes and such. 
I'm not sure what the new normal looks like.  Not completely.  It sure as heck isn't what it was.  I finally realize that I have choices.  That I am responsible for my decisions.  Even if it's whether to let someone else treat me in a certain way.  My kids are noticing.  They are beginning to talk.  To share.  And I breathe easier.  Maybe they will understand a bit of where I am.  Maybe they are there too.  Hard when you simply don't talk about it.  My son asked me the other night..."mom, do you hide your sadness from us."  I said yes.  He said, "I thought so."  But I said that I thought that he does too....and he agreed.  Truth is a little painful.  Freeing, though.
Here's to figuring it out.  And having the courage to do so.  I have been very busy.  If you are new, know that you are on my heart.  I am hoping that you are finding that you are loved by the One who made you and takes pleasure in you.  For you are His perfect poem.  His art.  His creation. 

When I Think I'm Going Under

Tired is not a good way to try to cope with the difficulties of life.  But, Jesus knows that.  He holds me.  He rests me.  He walks with me.  And, when I think I really am going under....He calms the sea.  Nothing is too difficult for Him. 
I have had a generally happy week so far.  Keeping focused on what matters most.  Working hard.  Praying.  But it is still ridiculously hard to be home at the same time.  and, I hate that I have to get up and out in order to maintain my sanity.  I napped in my car this morning...yes, again.  It IS peaceful.  Warm.  No worries.  But I dislike that those things don't describe my house. 
Somehow, I have also just struggled with knowing that there are so many ways in which I want to do better.  I want to grow.  To become the woman I know that I am...that I have been.  But it's HARD.  And frankly, much of the time I just feel like a jerk.
Nonetheless, I walk forward.  I keep going.  And when I cry for help, He answers.  He sends messages and kindnesses.  People who care.  He helps me to breathe. 

Wishing Don't Make It So

There are a lot of things that I wish were true.  Like that my belly was flat.  Or my face was clear.  Or that my hair would fall just so.  Or that I could remember where I parked my car at the mall.  Or that I could be the things I want to be....listening, kind, encouraging.....you know.  But wishing don't make it so.
And, living happy or at peace doesn't come by wishing either.  It comes through hard work and hard decisions.  This last weekend was very hard.  And still, very good.  Hard to say that yes I forgive but that no, everything isn't ok.  I am always the one that ends up feeling guilty.  He always turns it into something that I could be doing....will you blah blah blah....and then he's hurt and hang dog and sad when I say that I just said that I can't.  But, I will be sure that it's done.  Though I won't do it myself.  Hard to imagine that there could be a time where I could live.  Simply live.  Not always wondering or fearing or troubling.  It's hard because I have spent so long this way.  Don't even know how to do it differently anymore.  But I am determined to learn.  To have a genuine happy heart.  And a face and spirit to match.  I remember this strong, capable woman who was confident.  I am inviting her back into my life.  Hope she can learn to feel comfortable enough to stay.  Because, frankly, it's still a struggle.

Forgiving vs. Enabling

I am learning lots of new things.  I am learning that I can forgive something while not continuing to enable a person to use it against me.  I can not be angry.  I can choose to let it go.  However, I can also, while still being forgiving, take away someone's power to hurt me and influence my life so much by not enabling him to keep on as it has been.  This takes a lot of prayer.  A lot of thinking.  A lot of genuine forgiveness.  But it's necessary.  To be sane.  To live freely.  To grow.  To breathe.
I have spent so many years thinking that forgiveness means just allowing.  Pushing it aside.  Not calling something what it is.  That's a mistake.  Huge.  It seems nice.  But it's not. 
So, I will live new.  Choose joy and peace.  Choose to do what I have to do to continue to breathe.  Not easy.  Possible.
If you've noticed that some posts end suddenly or that the editing is off....I've had very little time to write on my own.  Usually dashing it off.  Fearing getting caught.  Less now....but still antsy.  Getting a little better all of the time.  I keep practicing...because soon the Happy Heart Show will air!!!

Goofballs

I am blessed by an abundance of loving people around my life.  Some are in.  Some kind of surround.  It is a huge blessing.  Tonight I am thankful for all of the "goofballs"....those who don't take themselves too seriously.  Who know how to have fun.  Who laugh regularly.  Who enjoy silly stuff.  Who give wholehearted hugs.  Who risk being known......and being teased.....and being weird. These people bless my whole self.
Playing is fun.  Letting loose. 
That is another area that is hard around our house.  Play is still "work"...do your best, try your hardest, win, do it right.  I remember going to someone's house where the dad "cheated" at spoons...not really, he just threw cards and messed around and made it completely wonderful for the kids playing.  He was on the floor cutting up and making it a totally whacky game.  I like that. 

Quiet Heart

My heart is still.  Quieted.  Peaceful.  Though it was hard, it was possible.  I am not a wimp.  Though these days I sometimes feel as if I am.  I am full of courage.  I face difficult things with strength, a sense of humor and hope.  That is why this time of life is so difficult.  I have to find a way.  I want to make it and make it well.  But I want to remind that I am worth every effort.  I am not some charity case.  I don't have to fall over if with thankfulness if someone acts as if I am worth something.  Because I am.  For real.  I have gifts. 
Lately it hasn't felt like it.  I feel so at a loss.  Like I don't know how to do much of value.  I forget that the standard isn't outside of me.  I have to make a standard.  And enjoy God's standard.  I do not have to spend my life trying to figure out somebody else's standard for me.  It's easy to fall into.  I enjoy seeing people content and happy.  I am not a servant by nature, but I enjoy learning how to serve better.  And that is good.....unless it causes me to doubt my value.  Unless I start to think that my value comes from if others are happy.
Don't get me wrong.  I want to give.  Want to live a life that cares.  But in that caring, I have to include myself as well.  I forgot that.  And that is my fault.
I feel sad for my husband.  Because he doesn't know that I really gave it my all.  He doesn't know that the physical hurts that I feel continue....and when they flair up, it reminds me of how much he used me.  I know that having time to heal is a good thing.  He is able to apologize.  But, he tries to make me feel guilty on a regular basis.  And that hurts. 

Deep Breathing

So, perhaps I could use a Lamaze class.  To remind me to breathe.  To focus.  On something that calms me.  Lot of valid points there.  Does diddly when you are in labor....but it's good for life in general.  Ok, it probably did help, because who knows how bad it would have been without it, right? 
Anyway, this day is a gift.  Though it feels somewhat like a challenge, it is a gift.  I need time.
I was brave enough to tell him (again) this morning that I need time.  I want not to punish in any way.  I just need to heal.  Feels like the scab starts to form and it gets ripped off and I bleed all over again.  I need time so the scab actuallyheals.  And though there might remain a scar, at least it won't be as likely to get opened up over and over. 
But he always acts hurt.  Like because he said he's sorry I should be nicer.  And I know it.  I know what he wants.  But I simply cannot do it.  I simply cannot live a lie.  I know where I am.  I own it.  I will grow through it.  I will learn true forgiveness.  I know htat I will.  In time.  I do forgive, even now.  I just can't keep living the same way.  And honestly, how he treats our kids now hurts me more than it used to.  Those boys need respect.  They need encouraging.  They need to have time that isn't "this needs to be "done".  Less doing. 
I get punished.  and it hurts.  Regardless, this is Resurrection Sunday.  I am going to focus on it.  I am going to breathe deeply of the love of the One who does see, does know, does not guilt.  And I am going to make this an amazing day.  By HIS grace.  One little teeny weeny breath at a time. 

But Still

He loves me still.  God.  Almighty.   Risen.
I was nearly beaten down again this morning, but here I stand.  Stand firm.  Knowing that doing what I have to is not easy, but it is honest.  It is difficult, but it is true.   So, I continue.  But, still I am hurting.
To make it through today.  To be courageous.  gotta run....

I think I can. I think I can. I think I.......am just not sure I can.

I have awakened.  I am up.  I jiust don't knwo if I can go.  If I can be there.  He won't give me the time I need to heal.  Keeps trying to make it better in the now.  In this instance.  We didn't get here overnight and I can't be all happy and ok at the drop of an I'm sorry.
Perhaps that hurts me most of all.  So MUCH is wrong that I know that he can't apologize for it.  But what is the heart of it?  That I will never be the woman he wants.  He wants things to go back, but he doesn't understand that it is the core I can't live with.  It's not isolated events.  It's not even the using.  Though it's a hard thing.  It's the fact that he and I don't mesh ever.  I have to be someone that is like him or it doesn't work.  And I can't support him in how he treats his children or others.  I used to try.  I just don't want that to be who I have to be.  I don't want his choices to dictate who I have to be or become.  That is deeply difficult.  It pulls at my soul.  Especially since he wrote me note reminding me that the first time he told me he loved me wasa on Easter.  I know he meant what he said.  But what he meant and what I can live with are two different things.  He meant that I make him feel good and I give him what he needs.  He meant that I fill him up.  He has no idea how to do so for me.  And I need time before I can give him more time to try.  Because right now any more hurts and it will make it that I can never do it.  I"m nearly there now....but not quite.....so I want to have time.

Easter

Tomorrow is Easter.  I look forward to it.  Anticipate it.  Am choosing to see the good in it....and i am also very nervous.  Going to church and being there seems wrong.  Feels off.  I don't belong there anymore.  But I belong with my kids.  It is a good church home.  Wonderful even.  But I knew a long while back that it was time.  I just know that for now I need to keep it as the place for my sweet kids. 
Made it through today.  Didn't wallow in anger or hurt.  Learning to choose.  To live happy.  To be full of what is happening now.  Present.  Of course, being present at home is not what I mean.  Have to find a way.  Kids had a really rough day.  Breaks my heart.  Want him to have a real relationship with them but I think that it's not happening. 
But, I have to take one day at a time.  Figure out the little things.  Enjoy as I go. 
My son went to prom tonight.  Boy, he looked handsome.  Incredibly.  Amazingly.  So grown up.  And my older son hugged his girl goodnight tonight and whispered I love you as he was saying good bye.  Also, so grown up.  Life is so precious.  I choose it.
Today I did better at not stewing or fretting in my heart.  At choosing happiness and joy in the moments that were difficult.  Grief is a weird thing.  Can be triggered by the oddest things.  But, here I am.  Ready to party with those I love tomorrow.  That is good.  No matter how it looks.  No matter what the other stuff.  I choose the good.  The excellent.  The praiseworthy.  I must.  To make it. 

The Peace of the Hard Times

I am learning about a peace that comes in the hardest of times.  It is not because the hard things end.  Nor because the hard things are GOING  to end.  It is that in spite of the hard times, in spite of what is happening, peace can overcome.  He is my peace.  He has overcome....there is victory.  Victory over the difficult times. Victory over pain.  By maintaining peace. 
I have lived for a long time allowing my peace to be robbed.  But others can't really take it from me....I have to give it away.  I am going to learn to hold onto it more tenaciously.  To call things what they are.  To be honest and not try to force things to be what they are not.  That is stressful. 
As in.....this is not a happy marriage.  It is not a healthy marriage.  And while that is sad and while that is painful, I don't have to walk around dragging guilt and shame and fretfulness along with me every day.  I can grab onto the peace that passes all understanding.  I can choose.  Though it is really hard.  And though it doesn't mean that I'll never freak out or never fall into the emotions of the times.  When I do, I can fall into the peace that I have learned to hold onto.  The deep sense of well being that permeates ALL circumstances.  Because my circumstances are always going to change, but the One who made me will not ever change.  He will never quit loving me.  Ever.  And, I will never have to "do better" or try to make Him like me more by being something other than what I actually am right at that moment. 
I want to make good choices.  I want to live well.  But I don't want to live always trying to do the "right" thing.  The "right" thing can vary from time to time.  But the basics remain true and steadfast.  I will be sheltered.  I will be carried.  I will sin....even if I don't realize it.  Even when I am trying hard to do well.  Keeping my heart and attitude and agenda and actions and inactions all in line every moment is impossible for me.  My only hope is in the One who is perfect.  And who covers me over with His perfection. 
Phone calls, emails, hard conversations, hard feelings, hurt feelings, unkindness, meanness, unfairness, blatant disregard for my well being....these will all happen.  And they have a tendency to throw me into a tail spin.  To irritate my tummy and my soul.  To make me lose sleep. 
I want to reclaim my Peace.  It is not for someone else to take away.  I have to remember Who gives it.  I need to remember to cling to it like a precious life saver.  Thrown out there with the intention of hauling me back into the safety of knowing that I am ok.  Always.  Every moment.  No matter what.
I worry.  I know that it's hard to be kind when I have such strong feelings about how terribly wrong things are in my marriage.  But I also know that if I lean on that peace I will learn to be more relaxed.  That I will find less cause to blame because it won't feel like he has stolen something valuable from me....my peace, my well being.  He does things that cause me those feelings.  That is SO true.  But I get to CHOOSE.  I get to choose peace....a happy heart.....moving on.....finding a way to salvagethe things worth keeping and putting the rest aside. 
One step at a time, I am moving toward peace.  Warily because I know that all hell can break loose when we speak to each other.  We are in a cordial though not pleasant place right now.  But it's superficial.  I still need time.  I still need to grow through this.  I still need to make it without him looking over my shoulder.  I need to recover from the pain and scars.  Can't say that I know exactly what it will look like in the end.  Just know how I need it to look at the moment. 
So it's a hard time....but there's peace in knowing that I'm not required to make it all better.  I tried for so long to make it better. 
Peace.  To you.  For you.  For me.  For him.  Because we are loved.  Deeply and completely.  As messed up as we are. 
blessings

Happy Heart

A happy heart is a good thing to have.  Wasn't that profound?  It has taken me a long time to feel courageous enough to say that.  It is as if we are all supposed to walk around, heads bowed drudging along.  Like somehow that makes us spiritual?  But, I am learning that it's GOOD to have a happy heart.  Not less spiritual.  Not wrong.  And this is a blessing to me.
My heart is happy when I see my kids fly.  When I hear beautiful music.  When I learn a new job.  When I dream.  When I give.  When someone actually sees me and gives to me what I "need".  When I let go of all of what should be, could be or I wish was and embrace this moment.  When I am present.  When I hope BIG.  When I work hard.  When I am so busy that I forget that my shows are on.  When I have purpose.  When I am with someone and I feel like a good friend.  When something good happens to someone I care about. 
I find it easy to be happy.  I love being joyful.  So, in the midst of all of this crap....I want to let this woman have a chance to once again have center stage.  The one who worries and tries to fit the mold and hunkers down to try and be what she ought to be....she is going to have to go backstage.  It's a new show.  The Happy Heart Show.  Starring.....ME!!!  And I thought that I'd never be happy again.  Really.  Everything was so hard.  So glum.  So difficult.  So mean.  And now, I'm so simply happy.  Ok, truth be told, I'm on my way.  And it's not simple.  But the show is at least in rehearsal stages and it won't be terribly long before opening night!

Looking Forward

I can endure so much when looking forward to something that I treasure.  Something that means a lot to me.  I am tenacious.  I am loving.  I am able.  I am blessed.  I am loved.  I am worth it.  I am creative.  I am joyous.  I am encouraging.  I am able to endure.  Because wonderful things lie ahead. 
I had almost forgotten how spectacularly marvelous things could be.  How beautiful the first flower.  How sweet the hope of seeing the first wave.  I got bogged down.  Pulled under.  Stifled.  But, looking forward.  To what lies ahead.......it's indescribably exciting.

Peace of Mind

Peace is a wonderful thing.  It soaks into my soul.  Wraps itself around my heart.  The world might be crazy.  I might fail.  Troubles might come.  Yet....there's peace.  Deep seated.  Real.  Tangible.  A gift.  To me.  And I don't deserve it at all.  I have to great abilities.  No deep wisdom.  Nothing to offer as proof that I am "good".  Yet, it is given anyway.  And it is beautiful.  It wakes me in the morning.  Walks with me as I love and work and live.  And, when I lie down, it nestles around me and holds me close.  And I rest.  At peace. 

Grief and Acceptance

It took me years to realize that many of my depressed feelings are dealing with unexpressed and undealt with grief.  It's easy to grieve, or at least to know that it's ok to grieve, when someone dies.  But this has been a hard thing for me to see.  It has been in these last few months that I have finally come to terms with the fact that I have many types of grief.  I grieve the loss of my self.  Of knowing that who I am is ok and valued.  Of my self value.  I grieve the loss of respect for someone that I have promised to love.  I grieve that I am "alone" in the world:  without my own extended family to shoulder this pain.  I grieve that the losses of friendships and the pain that comes with that.  I grieve for those I know who have lived a hellish life and continue to walk through pain on an almost daily basis. 
I grieve. 
And now, I give myself permission to grieve.  And to accept that things are not what they were meant to be in my marriage.  I have certainly gone through all of the stages of grief in this aspect of my life.  I was stuck in denial for a VERY long time.  The anger....well, enough said.
But, in the very recent times, I accept it.  It is simply what it is...or isn't.  And that  is how it is.  And it can hurt.  And in the midst, I can still laugh and have joy.  And this knowledge has helped to unbind me.  I can cry.  I can laugh.  I can speak.  I can write.  I can begin to let go of the worry.  The pain.  The horrible troubled feelings. 
It's hard not to revert to anger.  When pain comes.  Physical pain from things that were done.  Emotional pain from things done....and often, not done.  But I want to choose something else.   Call it what it is and move on.  To a life that is more productive and full.  To a life that gives glory to God.
I pray that God will walk with me.  And with him.  That I will know that it's not because I am right or just, but just that the match does not work.  There are reasons that I "blame" him...and I'm certain there are more reasons that he would blame me.  But it doesn't matter.  We are not in charge.  We don't change nor dictate character.  We can only be in charge of ourselves. 
I want to rant in some ways tonight.  To gripe and complain.  To say how unfair and what a pain it is.  If you need that....go back a few pages.  There's plenty.  I want to accept what is and stop and enjoy the absolute beauty of my life.  Grief and all.  Mixed up.  Plenty of beauty.  Plenty of wonderful. 
And I can let go.  I have let go.  Some would call it hard hearted.  I call it necessary.

Thankful

I am working my buns off these days.  Hopefully literally.  Working so much leaves very little time to eat.  Or write....I miss the writing more than the eating.  The eating was becoming stress eating which makes me feel lousy. 
I am so thankful for working.  Guess what?  I don't shake at work.  It's super hard and I have a lot to learn, but I am surrounded by people who encourage and help and I believe in myself more now.  And that feels GOOD.  Really good.  Makes up for the fact that the nights will be short.  I am so thankful that God knew my need.  Not to sleep more....though rest is good too....but to be able to be appreciated.  To feel somewhat, though not amazingly, intelligent.  To be well thought of.  It is an amazing gift.
I feel like I'm getting a drink of water after a long, dry hike. 
Coming home can be hard.  But, I get to be here in the afternoon for awhile with my kids.  Whom I adore, by the way.  And no evening stress.  Which is a win/win. 
But, it continually makes me realize that I have little to offer in the way of intimacy to my husband.  I feel for him, but the pain of his behavior towards me, and towards our kids has totally squashed what could have been.  Choices.  We all make them.  Right now I have to do what it takes to keep on living.  I don't know what the future holds, but I know that today I need to be left to do what I have to to be in a place where I feel confident and sure again.  A place where I don't second guess all of the time.  A place where I am not continually stressed. 
I need to work.  I need to provide for myself and our kids.  I need him to let me have that time.  I need a good job and I need to go for it.  If for no other reason than I have been so beaten down about how irresponsible I am.  I need to prove to MYSELF that I am able and capable.  He has kept me in a place of uncertainty and I can't live there anymore.  I want to thrive not just survive.  I want to learn and grow and be willing to take risks.  I was becoming more and more careful.  Afraid to disappoint.  Afraid he'll be ashamed....more ashamed.  I don't think I care so much anymore.  I want to do what the plan is that God created me for.  And, for the first time in quite some time....I see that there IS one. 
Off to rest.  To live fully again.  Each moment.  Each hour.  Each day.  Each week.
And I want to earn a vacation.  Even if it doesn't make sense.  It is important....very important to me.

Giving

Giving all.  Giving up.  Giving freely.  Giving grace.  Giving mercy.  Giving hope.  Giving joy.  Giving life.  Giving your best.  Giving crap.  Giving trouble.  Giving spirit.  Giving peace.  Giving time. 
Giving is such a great word.  It means to pour something out of yourself to someone else.  God did so for us.  And gives us the opportunity to do so for others.  But, some of those "givings" are not so good.  Some are like a blessed stream on a hot day.  I want to learn about giving.  More and more.  And how good it is to receive.  Because it's a blessing to be a giver so I should always be sure that I live a balanced life in this way. 
When someone is giving it's like you get what you get and you don't throw a fit.  It's the giver who decides and gives what he or she has.  Some people cannot give what another needs.  It's not in them.  Or they don't have the desire.  Or the skills.  Some people only seem to give pain while taking from others.  I am learning what it means to choose to give wisely.  I like to give of myself.  My time.  My stuff.  My whatever.  Because whatever I am or have is more wonderful when given. 
And it saddens me deeply that it took marriage to teach me that giving can be very painful.  I have had hurtful relationships before.  I have befriended some pretty helpless/hopeless folks.  But it took marriage to suck me dry.  However, the best thing to happen is to see that maybe it's not just my fault.  Maybe I don't meet what it takes to spur him on to wanting to meet my needs.  But now I see that maybe it's that he simply doesn't know how good it feels to keep your hands open.  Maybe he lives in too much fear.  All I know is that I have not been able to draw that out of him nor experience the joy of feeling safe and cherished in his presence. 
Was thinking last night how I used to hear people talk about how hard it was if their spouse was gone.  How they could not sleep.  I've never felt that way.  Even when I was mercifully unaware of why.  He has always given me a sense of discomfort.  Of feeling like I'm not giving enough.  Being enough.  Performing well enough.  Like he is always trying to "demonstrate" how I should be if I were to be accepted.
And now, I have left it be.  I am ready to go on in my life.  I can't say that something won't change.  But I know that the simply trying to look good or do the right things isn't enough.  It is something that comes from inside.  And I know that there are things about me that will never change that he cannot except.  We are at an impasse.  He still thinks that I'm willing to go back and just pretend.  But I am totally not.  I am ready to let go.  To keep my hands open and let god do what He needs to do in each of our lives. 
He needs to be responsible before God.  To face the mistakes of the past.  To realize that there are repercussions from them.  I know that there is grace.  I'm not saying that it has run out.   I am saying that there is also wisdom.  And sometimes it's time to shake your sandals and move along.  If someone won't receive then it's foolishness to keep trying to give.  Even if your heart and mind blame yourself.  I'm learning that giving people do that.  Blame themselves. 
Today is a good day.  I will keep giving.  Keep loving.  Keep receiving.  But I will not keep trying to plant in thorns.

Elaborate Life

Sometimes I wonder what my husband would think if he ever found this blog.  I wonder if he would see how hurt I am.  How pained.  Sometimes I wonder if he understands what an elaborate life I have come to maintain in order to keep myself feeling safer.  I don't think he gets it.
I am facing beginning a new job.  With the other two.  Hard to think upon, but I have a goal in mind, so it makes it ok.  I will be fine.  Tired will not kill me.
The working part doesn't make me as tired as the whole being away, being in my car, avoiding conflict.  Today I realized that he calls me when he needs something.  He talks to our kids to tell them what they should do.  Or, if I am around he makes a point to ask them about there events.  What's sad for him is that they don't come running to him with those things. 
I guess that the worst thing for me these days is the whole money thing.  I feel like I never get to decide.  I've never been allowed to have money that was just for me.  He would get money out for himself and give me money for buying the groceries and the clothes and the kids' stuff.  But, I have never fit into the realm of getting to have cash of my own.  Driving home tonight I almost had a panic attack.  I get here and I am so glad to see my kids and so worried for when he will be home from playing basketball.  That means I should get to bed.  I need the sleep.  Tomorrow is a 16 hour day.  Easily.
But, the ocean is calling.  Time truly away.  I can't wait.  The peace and time will be wonderful.  I never like when I have to tell him.  It's hard every year.  Though I keep saying that it's what I really need.  He doesn't like it.  I understand.  But, I NEED it.  Like air or food or shelter.  He doesn't see that.  But it's true.  I know me.  Or, at least am learning to. 

Unbound

Pulling off duct tape HURTS.  It sticks hard.  To itself.  And to whomever is unfortunate to be taped.  Uncomfortable.  Can be skin removing.  Hair removing.  The only thing worse is staying duct taped.  Because it's helpless and hopeless feeling.  It binds not only the body, but the will to keep trying to move.  To keep trying to be free. 
I have spent many years being duct taped.  Figuratively.  But getting untaped hurts just the same.  And it's a process.  All of the tape doesn't come off in one nice piece.  It sticks to itself and it sticks to my body.  It hurts.  But I desperately want to be unbound.  I want movement and freedom. 
In an attempt to do so, I take baby steps of movement.  I gingerly rub my bruised areas and try not to sit still in my restraints...having given up.  I choose not to give up.  Though I am very tired.
When I say not giving up, I mean not giving up on who I am.  Not giving up on hoping that I will be able to walk head tall and face smiling in this world....while my heart and soul feel the same way.
My husband doesn't even seem to get how fully he decimated me.  Or maybe he does and what he doesn't get is how I am becoming unbound.  A little at a time.

Heart Safe

I am thankful.  Though I am cold right now.  Having a hard time.  I have a good life.  Places of safety.  Places of peace.  What a blessing that is.  I didn't sleep much last night because I was freezing and couldn't get warm.  And now I feel the same.  But, there are "warm" places in the world.  Places where my soul can rest.  For that I am thankful.  Every day. 
I am going to continue to choose going forward.  Learning to know who I am supposed to be.  Seeing if I can be her again.  Easy to be ornery or troublesome.  Don't want to be.  It's like a reflex with all of the stress.  I want to be a blessing instead.  Maybe one day.
Don't give up.  I know that you are hurting if you found this blog.  You are worth it.  You are valuable.  Right where you are.

Choosing

I can't help the bodily reactions I have....of coldness, dry mouth, shaking.....I can't help being nervous or unable to function.  But, I can choose many things.  I can choose to work.  I can choose to make happiness.  I can choose to live.  I can choose to be the positive, kind, fun person that I want to be.  I can't make myself go backwards in time.  Only forward.  So, I have to choose how to live going forward.  I can't make it all better in the past, but I CAN let go of the past and live and learn and bless others as I keep walking toward the future.
I am rather ready not to wallow.  Not to vent so much.  Note, I didn't say ever.  I want to live.  Without the constant, nagging ickiness of what might have been.
I watched him sing tonight.  And I'm glad for him.  And I'm sad for the fact that I failed in what might have been.  But I can't conjure up wanting to try anymore.  I don't.  I am sad for it.  Mourning.  But I am not going to live in mean spirited unforgiveness.  But the forgiveness doesn't mean a pass.  It means acknowledging it.  Going on.  But not the same.
I choose to grow.  To love.  To bless.  To be thankful.  To smile.  To hope.  To enjoy.  To savor.  To try.  To give.  To hope.  To laugh.  To cry.  To feel.  To give myself permission to be myself.
I am glad he sang.  Glad that he has grown and learned and enjoyed new things.  It was hard for me to be there because I felt vulnerable.  Shaky.  And like I'm all alone in knowing.  Unvalidated.  But today I decided that I don't have to be.  I don't have to explain.  I don't have to make anyone understand.  Where I am is where I am.  I don't have to change it.  God doesn't make me.  He will change me in His time and as He wills.  So I will give myself that grace.  That time.  Because somehow I've got to remember that I am worth it.  That I WAS worth it.  Doesn't feel like it....but I was.  Just because I am.  Not because of what I do.
So, to bed....to sleep...to rest....to be thankful.  But, I'm STILL freezing.  Have on two sweaters and a heater and I can't warm up.  It's emotional, I know.  I wish I could stop it.
One day it will end.  But I have to go through.  Can't run from it.  Just have to face it.  I am stronger than I was.  And my goal is to not only be stronger, but kinder and without bitterness.  Though strong.  Willing to stand.  Even for me.  Just gotta warm up.....

outie or innie?

Abuse comes in many forms.  The "outies" are easier to define and see.  Leave marks.  Hurt.  Scars.  The "innies" are hard to define, hard to put your finger on and, in my humble opinion, much more hurtful.  Religious abuse.  Emotional abuse.  Controlling behaviors.  They cause self doubt.  They cause pain that nobody can see or diagnose.  And, most sadly of all, it means that the abuse is carried around inside of the abused.  It is always with them.  I have known both kinds.  Frankly, I'd take a slap over the incessant demeaning, dragging down, questioning, mean spirited kind.....because with the "innie" kind, the person being abused blames herself.
And, another little thought that I've been pondering.  Why is it that when a woman chooses what she needs over what her man needs she is considered a heartless b**** but a man can behave in the same way and be considered strong.  Or a leader.  Or.....but never heartless.  Strange. 
Just trying to keep my eyes open.  And trying to allow my heart the fresh air and cleansing that it needs to heal. 
If you found this.  If you're hurting.  Know this, I'm praying for you.  You aren't alone.  You have hope.  The fact that you are looking means that you have not given up.  And that's a start.

Circumstances

The circumstances of our lives have as much power as we choose to give them.  So says David McNally.  It's true to a degree.  The really hard parts of my life have had so much control because I have chosen to stay in situations, to allow things to happen, to not change things.....and, I give them importance.  I am learning that I must not give some things too much importance.  Some people like to hurt others.  Somehow, they feel better if they are hurting others.  If they have control.  If they have power.  They yield it in various ways, but no matter how it is held, it cuts like a sword.
Today I was thinking upon how my husband has treated me.  I was wondering if he has changed.  He is looking hangdog...remorseful?  But, I kept thinking, wondering if I was supposed to change my mind, fix things, go back to how it was....and like a lightening bolt, I remembered Friday night and how he was all jealous about the money I supposedly have squirreled away and how I should be paying to have the car maintenance done.  I don't have it.  I use it to get the kids things.  To have enough to make groceries.  To help out friends.  I am going to work yet another job to have what I want.....and I guess he knows that I will squirrel it away and not share it.  But he was very controlling about the money.  And on Sunday too.  He was freaked that I was going to let the kids spend $25 for a game.  And that night he wouldn't let me sleep.  He knew I was exhausted.  I told him.  He stayed and had to talk and rehash.  I"m tired of the rehashing.  The little things, the little jabs, the little controlling issues remind me that things haven't changed.  Not really.  He wants it all to go away.  No consequences.  All better.  "I said I was sorry, you said you forgive me, so it's done."  I wish.  But forgiveness is ongoing.  Have to keep doing it.  Keep seeking it. 
Me, my circumstances have changed.  I have hope.  I am looking forward.  I have dreams.  I have plans.  Lots of delicious plans.  They make me smile.  They make me work hard.  They make it so that I can make it through this really hard time.  But, the really hard time has lost most of it's power.  Because I won't give it the power anymore.  My choice.  Sometimes I'm weak and troubled and I forget and let him have the power to destroy me...but then I remember, "I get to choose."  I choose joy.  I choose hope.  I choose adventure and giving.  I choose not to be hurt over and over without change.  I choose to be free to think and have an opinion. 
Circumstances are what they are.  The power I give them is my choice to a degree.  I choose to make the circumstances change.  I like that.  They really have no power.....they can be changed. Awesome.

Work

I like having a job.  But, I remember the first time I had to get one after I'd had children.  My husband wanted me to after my fifth child was born.  She was only a few months old when I went to work at a donut shop.  It was hard on me.  And, less fun because there was no point to the money.  There was never an option to give some.  Or save some for something fun. 
I have realized that I can do a lot if I reward myself with the things that I need.  Everyone has different needs.  Besides for those basics.  For me, I require time away.  Time to vacation.  Time to check out.  Absolute need.  And that usually requires some money.  Which, being in my household, has been problematic for years.  Until I started having money to do it.  And then earning the money to do it.  I also like and need to give.  To keep my hands open.  To receive.  And to give.  To be willing to see other people and their needs and not always be totally consumed by my own financial worries. 
Right now I'm working and going to be working a lot of hours.  but with a goal in mind.  Several goals, actually.  I want to be independent.  I want to be able to take care of a house payment.  Insurance.  Phones.  Internet.  Kids.  Water.  All of it.  I don't want to have to be dependent anymore.  Because that hurts me.  In many ways.  I'm always made to feel badly.  And that affects my health as well as my emotions.  So, I need to make a better decision and do that instead.  And, I want to help others while I'm doing it. 
I like having a good attitude about work.  Though it's hard.  And tiring.  And sometimes boring.  Or frustrating.  It is a learning time.  A growing time.  And it allows me to have more freedom. 
My body is killer in how much it hurts.  But there is this huge joy that keeps me going.  It's like SEEING hope.  What a blessing.
And really, I only have a certain amount of years left before they will be wanting to retire me, so I need to take advantage of this opportunity. 
I am blissfully worn out.  I think I will go sleep.  To awaken earlier than I should have to in order to get out of my house and feel safe....that's a bummer, but I keep looking forward to the day that that won't be true anymore. 

Fatigued

You know, there's tired and then there is fatigued.  Emotional garbage makes me fatigued.  Curl up in a ball, cover my head, wish to go to sleep exhausted.  Last night kicked my butt.  Though it was calm.  It rolls around in my brain.  The hurt.  The sadness.  The knowing that he doesn't even get that the day that was supposed to be my birthday celebration wasn't the best choice for this conversation.  He started it off apologizing for something that happened nearly 21 years ago.  I mean, really.......he already apologized for the exact same thing.  I get it that he is sorry.  Except that it's the same behavior still.  It has been the norm.  And I said so.  From the very beginning, he has allowed his family to pick on me.  He doesn't stand up.  He doesn't comfort.  He doesn't help me.  He leaves me alone to be picked at. 
And, then we had to review that it isn't about what gifts you get for a person's birthday.  Which, truly, for me, it is not.  However, I was trying to explain that it would feel good if he at least had an idea of what I would like.  If he would at least know me after all of this time.  I got great gifts.  He was proud.  But, wrongly.  He went halves with my 18 year old son!  Who had the ideas of what to get.  Who DID bother to figure it out.  He tried to guilt me about making it about presents, but I said that it is not.  It was just an example of how detached he has been for these years.  Of how small of a blip I have made on him. 
Yesterday, during my party, I was giving my daughter my credit card.  I had saved money to buy myself something for my birthday.  Decided that it was better than feeling sad.  But, I had some of it left and decided that she could go get a game for their wii system.  It is a good exercise game.  He nearly jumped off of the couch to intercept the card...he thought that it was OUR account.  Then he had to say in front of everyone how he didn't know that I had an account and a card....which is ludicrous since he keeps asking me about it every few weeks.  I was embarrassed.  I was hurt.  But, I got over it.  Because it wasn't worth it. 
I was poured a half cup of coffee.  And he made the point how HE hates to waste.  It makes me cringe.  I rarely waste my coffee.  I usually drink what I take.  It has been an ongoing thing.  He wants me to want it his way.  I'm not allowed to think that a full cup of coffee is ok.  Or a glass of milk.  I am poured about a third of a glass.  It has always been weird to me.  I'm not a preschooler.  Which I have said.  I won't spill. Probably.  I won't throw it away.  But it's a constant thing...whatever goes in the trash or gets left on the counter by anyone is pointed out, shown, questioned.  It's stressful.  It's controlling.  The kids and I eat while he's at work now.  It's calmer.  If there's fat on meat or gooey parts on chicken, we are supposed to eat all of that before we are allowed any more.  Even me.  I know!!  Totally.  How have I gotten to this place??  What a moron I've been.  There is something wrong with this picture.  It's done under a guise of being good, but it's creepy.
We were at my friend's house for my birthday lunch.  And the boys were on the roof.  I love it when they are free enough not to be stupid, but to explore and try things and make memories.  Not to be willfully destructive.  I think it's wrong to destroy on purpose.  But trying things is a part of growing up.  He had to say how the roof of the shed is bowing and how they shouldn't be up there jumping off.  Well, we don't live there.  It's not our rule to make.  Not our choice.  The person who lives there should have that ability.  It really bugged me.  It was all I could do not to be a total smart ass and go on out there and get on the roof myself.  I don't know why.  I'm fairly compliant.  I think that it was the attitude. The idea that he does all of these things for the good of......I'm not sure.  It grated. 
Then he wanted to play a game.  I was supposed to choose.  I chose Scrabble.  Then I played golf....looked for the low score.  I was tired.  I was ready for him to go do something else and let me relax.  I was stressed and just wanted to enjoy the moments.  Instead, it felt like I was supposed to show my support on all of these little things that bothered him.  I know that he tried to rally support twice....regarding not knowing I had a bank account and about not knowing that I was going to work another job.  Because I didn't ask permission.  He threw both things out there to hook someone into a conversation.  But, thankfully, he was unsuccessful.  That was a blessing.
I told him that he lost me a long time ago.  That he has never had time to sit down and have a conversation with me.  I had to follow him around or be where he was working.  Everything was so important.  I wasn't.  He has jealousy over me, but not love.  He doesn't want me to be excited about other things.  But, he doesn't want to be there either.  He wants to be the center of the world.  But he doesn't get that he was.  And then, he let it slip away.  I learned well that I did not hold a place.  I learned that the rules, the work, the ideals, the schedule, the exercise, the.....you name it, all held very important places.  And that I was not up to par. 
It worked for a long time.  I became more and more depressed.  Less and less able to function.  But, a part of me knew that things were really messed up.  A part of me fought to make it real...to make it better.  Until, after fighting for so long, I couldn't do it anymore.  And he lost me. 
How sad for him.  Because this isn't something a simple apology will fix.  He says I don't forgive.  I said that it's impossible for me to FORGET but that I do forgive and I choose to keep forgiving as it crops up again.  But I can't forget.  I can't make it go out of my brain.  I can't make it as if the years didn't happen.  I need time.  Desperately. 
He wants me to feel sorry for him.  I do.  But not for the reasons he probably wants.  Not because it will make me go back.  Because he so thoroughly squelched who I was.  Because he failed to cherish what he could have had.  Because he doesn't have something great with his kids.  Because I can't fix it anymore.  I can't jump and make it better. 
I am fatigued.  And, as I pointed out, it doesn't seem like marriage should, in general, be simply wearing.  Simply painful.  With some good moments.  But so much just hard.  I think that perhaps people should actually feel happy.  Feel content together.  Have a sense that the world is better together.  And I don't.  And I haven't. 

Quibbling

I have always seen my husband as the "good guy."  As the likable one.  As the one that everyone looks at as an example.  And he does so many things that are on the nice list.  But, sitting last night, as withdrawn as I have become, I suddenly realized that there are two ways to bully someone.  Some people are really jerks and yell and push and threaten.  But, as is the case in my life, some, cry, look sad, behave like they are the one who has been wounded.  They act as if they see how grievous their behavior has been.  And it's so easy to get sucked into going back to how it was.  But, last night, I was finally detached enough to see that he really doesn't get it.  The way he has bullied me in life is by being the wounded one.  The one who tries so hard.  The one who just doesn't know why he behaves that way.  And, last night, it didn't make me angry.  It didn't make me need to fix it.  It was just what it was.  Correction, what it IS. 
And with all of this clarity came another realization....I don't owe explanations.  To anybody.  Ok, maybe to my kids.  To a degree.  But I realized that I don't have to worry about what to tell people or how to behave.  How they feel, what they think, what they do...that is their choice.  And their choices should not dictate my life.  It is very difficult to know that you are married to the adored one.  Because you know that no matter what you do, you never measure up to their stature in the eyes of others.  But I am learning again about the woman I used to be.  The woman who didn't mind being herself.  The woman who had real friends and real relationships.  Ones not based on how well I was doing.  What I could give.  Or how perfect I was.  Just friends.  Who liked me.  Loved me.  But I lost that view of myself because I have never been able to have my husband have that sense of me.  That's sad.  It's too bad.  But it isn't the end of the world.  I am learning.  To stand.  To be brave.  To rest in being cared for.  To relish the fact that there are those who have bothered with me and who continue to bother.  To enjoy my kids and how they know me.  And love me still.  Really know me. 
I won't squabble or quibble anymore.  I won't fight him or try to convince him.  He is a grown up.  He has made decisions.  I have made decisions.  This is where we are.  I will not intervene to make it easier on him or carry the load that needs to be his.  I will carry my load.  I will take my responsibility.  But I will not like like I did.  I was wrong.  Wrong to think that it was the right way to live.  To hold things together.  To smooth the road.  But, I don't regret that I made it this far.  I am glad.  Glad that my kids have gotten older.
I am glad that I woke up.  Glad that I didn't keep going.  Glad that each new day brings new choices.  Glad that I choose to keep growing.  Life is beautiful.  Even though circumstances can be hard.  There is so much good all around.  So much to be awestruck over. 
So, I will look for what is good and excellent.  I will enjoy.  I will drink deeply.  I will not waste my days in bitterness nor fighting. 

Opposites

I had an amazingly good day yesterday.  It was quite hard in some ways and quite wonderful in others.  Then I got home.  Then he got home.  Then he sat and waited for me to talk to him.  To rehash all of the same things.  for a couple of hours.  My headache began again.  But, I medicated and managed to get through it without a terrible one. 
It's a shame that he can't actually hear what I am saying.  That he only sees me through what he wants things to be.  That he sees him and how he is or what he does but not what needs I have.  But the saddest part of all is how I can't give the stuff he wants so much.  that I can't just dig down deep and keep on as it was.  Because there is a line.  There is a boundary that I should not have crossed.  I should have respected my hurts and my fears and recognized them as symptoms of something that could harm me.  Something that would ultimately destroy and cause irreparable damage. 
Wish I had been that woman that was right on his "right meter".  But I am never right.  I don't mean as in correct, I mean as in good enough.  I am never enough something.  And that is very hard.  It's hard to realize that he can be a good man and yet that he has never seen me.  Never cared what makes my eyes light up or my heart to soar.  He has no clue whatsoever.  He has no great desire to comfort me nor to be tender towards me.  It's all simply something external that he knows he "should" do.  But he is not drawn to me like that.  I am not the woman who stirs his soul awake.  I failed.  But, I will not fail in being who I am supposed to be.  The who of Who I am.  Because, that would be an insult to the One who created me.  I have used the wrong standard.  I will fail in many things, but in that, I need to be true.  So that I can be alive.  Not just exist.  Not just get through.  Not just tolerate. 
So, good and bad.  Opposites.  My day was filled with good even in the midst of the worst things ever.  I loved my day. 

Love. Joy. Peace. Patience.

In my garden are path lights.  And a bird bath.  I don't know who gave me the bird bath.  It is probably my husband.  What's funny is that I told my kids where to go and how much they were......on the day before my birthday.  My son got the garden lights.  Thought of it....he and I talked about them months ago.  Funny too. 
Thinking today how I feel sorry that I just time.  Feel guilty that even if he does the "right" things right now, I just can't get all excited.  It's nice.  It's just the motive is simply to get me back to being with him.  It still has nothing to do with a relationship with me.  With knowing me.  With sharing a life.  Life is all about performance.  I think that he believes that it's all about doing certain things a certain way to get a certain result or reward.  Unfortunately, for him, I'm good with being thankful for the little things even if it's not all of the right things.  It has something to do with the heart, with emotions, with something beyond commitment.  A sense of bondedness.  Of unity.  I just don't trust him anymore.  And that makes me sad.  Why is it that I always feel like the failure?  When I say anything or think anything, it's always with a sense that I simply haven't tried hard enough.  He DOES things.  He works.  He performs.  But it's not built on a foundation of love.  Genuine love.  I do not feel like he would ever do what I needed just to do it for me.  He can't put me above him.  Somehow he feels like he is if he buys a gift.  Or bothers to ask how my day is.  It's too late for those basic things.  He can't see me.  I've lived right here all of this time and he has used me.  Has given me such a hard time that I can barely make a decision anymore.  What to buy.  What to wear.  How to do something.  I do it, because it's who I am.  But, I'm always second guessing myself.  wondering if it's right or wrong.  Wondering what the response will be.  It's to much.  Too painful.  Today is the day to celebrate my birthday.  He'll smile.  He'll behave with great charm.  He'll act hurt towards me.  But conceal it to others.  It will be a fun day anyway.  I'm used to my birthday celebrations going that way.  At least there will be enough food.  I used my very own money to get it.  That made me feel proud.  Not sad.  I can take care of myself.  He speaks to me in ways that make me small, are belittling, say that I am incapable.  But, looking back, I went away to college.  He stayed home.  I had an apartment and got a job and lived on my own in another state.  He didn't leave his state until he went with me.  He only got a job away from home because a college professor recommended him.  He can't lead.  He won't follow.  He gets stuck in a rut and won't find the way out...instead he just works at something else really hard.  To prove what?  That he is good.  That he has value.  He doesn't give his kids or his wife a sense of value.  That makes me cry all over again.  How can he not see THEM?  They are amazing.  And though I might blame myself for this sense of failure as a wife, I have been a damn good mom.  Completely imperfect.  Completely inept.  And yet, with great love, joy, peace, patience, I have raised them.  Letting them know how valuable they are.  Even if I'm mad or disappointed.  I am tough on them.  And I spoil them.  Some.  They know it.  They know where to come for money or needs.  How sad for him....not to be trusted by your kids to want to do what they need.  To always be saying "there's not enough."  Wow.  He thinks that I don't know how to budget or make ends meet.  I do.  I have done it all on my own.  I'm just not him.  But I am able.  And I want to try it before I forget that I am able.  I want a chance.  An opportunity.  But I don't want to do it to prove it to him.  Because I am rather beyond caring if he is impressed or not.  He is still a decade back.  Thinking that the right gift or the right question is going to make it all ok.  That I have to jump back in and be compliant and willing to try longer if he does something nice.  It never turns out well.  And now when it happens, I don't even relax for the "good" time.  I'm always just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  For the next dig at my character.  For the next chastising.  For the next attempted argument.  I don't want to fight anymore.  I quit fighting.  Why bother?  I worked at that part for a long time too.  He gets off on the argument.  On showing me how he can put his things to words better.  On how he is more reasonable.  That I am not reasonable.  He is  driving me absolutely crazy.  If I don't get the space I need, I'll get it when they put me in the padded room.  Hope that there's chocolate.  And movies.  And comfy pillows. 
I won't let it get that far.  I almost did.  I'm afraid now of hurting my kids.  Don't know how to tell them.  Don't know how to get what I need and still have them feel safe and secure.  I don't want to screw them up.  I'll go to the looney bin before I allow them to take the fall for my being miserable.  But there is this little voice inside that tells me that  it would be ok for them.  That they would benefit from living in peace.  With each of us.  I have no interest in taking the kids away from him.  I actually want him to build a better relationship without using me as a buffer or a translator.  I think that it could happen.  I think that it will take something huge for it to happen.  I'll get work.  I'll live life.  He'll live too.  Somewhere else.  The only thing I can't figure out in the whole plan is how long would be long enough and if I'd ever want to live together again.  I know that it's harsh.  Know that I am supposed to be about fixing it.  But, I need some time to work on me.  And I don't know how much.  Not because I am selfish.  Just because I have been so beaten back.  Like a trampled garden.  Need time and water. ;)  Need to remember how to take care of myself.  Not always be worried about what he is thinking.  How he is going to accost me.  Up until a year ago, I was working hard still.  Even though I had given up in my heart.  I would take him out.  Would get him dinner.  Would use my money.  Would buy him things he liked from the grocery.  Would spoil him.  Would listen about all of his work stuff.  Would be affectionate.  But I was doing it because I was trying.  Not because there was joy in it.  Not because there was a connection that said, "I so enjoy your company and what we have together."  I don't.  and that's why I feel guilty.  Because I can't conjure up the sense of delight that I have with my kids.  With my friends.  With my coworkers.  With my students.  I am simply resigned to it.  And that isn't enough.  I need to give myself the love, joy, peace and patience that I have worked so hard to give to him.  The only way I could give it to him was to quit being happy myself.  Quit living who I was.  And I just can't do that anymore.  It's so sad that the thought of him being gone is the one thing that raises my hope level.  The one thing that makes me take in a deep breath.  The one thing that unclenches my jaw.  And he will not be happy about it.  He is going to make me feel like crap.  Like it's still all about him.  So, I keep waiting.  Trying to get strong enough.  Trying to get out there in the job world.  Need to get my ducks in a row.  Need to work hard.  Need to take a vacation.  Need to pray.  But I NEED to LIVE life.  Not keep worrying about how to keep him happy.  And this in between stage stinks.  

Constipation

You know, I hear that constipation can kill a person.  Backs up all of these toxins and such into the system...and, after much pain and discomfort, a person can actually die.  But, usually it goes differently.  After much difficulty and perhaps struggle, the constipated one finally is able to "go".......what a relief.  It's amazing what effect such a seemingly insignificant event can have.  Relief.  Comfort.  But once you are able to go, it's like you just gotta' "go"......everything is rushing out. 
It's like that in sharing the things in my life that are hard.  hahahhaa.  Sorry, really, no pun was intended, though very much enjoyed when I heard it in my head.  Once I started writing and sharing, it's like I have this need to just let it out.  It is freeing.  Keeping it in is really hard on me.  It's toxic in it's own way.  But, I keep swallowing it back.  Hedging on saying the really difficult things.  Because once I do, it is going to be difficult in it's own way.
Having started this makes it almost impossible to go back to what I was.  And the thing is that while there are some pretty awful things....ok, really awful doesn't really cover it.....but, that is the life I have grown used to.  Sad, isn't it?  Like "getting used" to being constipated and slowly poisoning your body.  Not a good plan.  I know it.  But though I know it, I still feel somehow like I should be able to fix it.  I've done the things through the years that have been suggested.  Have given reasonable and beyond effort.  I thought that I could do it,  Until I knew that I couldn't.  Then it became like a horrible waiting game. 
Don't know what is going to happen or when.  All I know is that constipation wasn't working.

Life As I Know It

So, had a phone conversation with the husband tonight.  Were talking about a tree that needed to be cut down.  Some nasty bugs and such.  And, actually, the conversation was going pretty well and I was so relieved.  Then, we finished talking about  the tree and he says, "I've been wanting to talk to you about something...." or words like that....and I am wondering what it's about.  I figure it's about the fact that my birthday is tomorrow and we are celebrating on Sunday.  "Well, it has been awhile since we've had the brakes checked on the van." 
"Oh, yeah."  and my heart begins to pound.  Well, do you have money so that we can get the radiator fixed and have the brakes fixed?  My stomach clenched.  Every time he talks to me for any length of time, it always comes up that I apparently have money from my job that I am hoarding.  But, I am not.  I wish I was.  As it is, I am going to work another job to go on a trip.  But, he thinks I do.  So.  Well.  "No, I don't." 
"You don't?"  "No," I want to shout, we've talked about this over and over, "I use the money that I keep to buy the kids clothes, to pay for the groceries when I run out of the money I get for the month." 
He has to be assured all of the time that I don't have money of my own.  It's creepy.  I want to have money of my own.  I want to take the kids and go somewhere.  I don't want to take him.  It's too stressful.
Coming home tonight was the worst ever.  Wish it wasn't.  Wish it was happy to come home.  But, I'll sleep.  I hope.  And eventually, the weekend will be over. 
I really do wonder at the idea that on my birthday weekend the conversation I got was why I wasn't handing over my money.  I do have a little bit.  Not much.  Enough to do something tomorrow. 
Maybe I will get an iMad to add to my iPissed.  But, come to think of it......I think I'll just get an iHappy.  What the heck, might as well get an iJoyful while I'm at it.  iPeaceful.  iPretty.  iSilly.
Ok, on that note, it is definitely time to go to bed......

Wimpy Wimpy Wimpy. HEFTY.

I always loved that trash bag commercial.  Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy.  HEFTY!!!  Must have been a good one to remember it for so very long.  Today I was wimpy.  What a baby I can be.  But, I caught it and let it go.  I was just sad.  And having a rough day.  But then I realized that this is the day I have.  I'm going to enjoy it!!  What do you know?  Hefty on the blessings and gifts all around (not physical gifts).  Smiles.  Laughter.  Children.  Peers.  Hugs.  Singing.  It was nice.  Nobody really knew that my birthday is tomorrow, but at my one school, the kids found out and were sweet in the cafeteria. 
But, I do miss the mail.  I asked my son today if I got any mail.  And he said no birthday cards......he knows how it feels because for some reason, he and I are the ones that don't usually get them, and if we do, it is VERY late.  Like a month.  So, we get to laugh together.  And go on.  Because life is too hefty on the good stuff to let the wimpy stuff win. 
But, I did have some moments of regret.  That's ok too.  Have them and then let them go.  Focus back on now.  being present NOW.  Easier to say than to do. 
I am way worn out.  Need to have a nap or something.  And to think I'm going to start another job......in addition to these jobs.  And.....I'm thankful for that.  Work is a blessing.  A paycheck is a blessing.  So, off to take my daughter for a swimming suit.  To provide food for the weekend snarfers.  So that I can play. 

Still

I am still praying for those who find this place.  Those who are hurting.  Those who think that nobody understands.  I know that it's not a roses and glitter kind of a place to find, but I hope that it's like an oxygen mask.  I hope that in finding this place you won't experience preaching or directions or what you must do, but simply a few moments to be and realize the truth.  To allow yourself to feel the reality of what has been.  Not having to put on your game face or your making it work clothes.  Simply a few moments to be still.  To acknowledge that woman in you that still exists, even if just faintly.  A few moments to walk on my journey and perhaps see your journey more clearly.  This is why I keep this up so frequently.  I want you along for the journey.  The ups and downs.  The confusion.  The heartache.  All of what makes up a woman who has allowed herself to get lost and sometimes forgotten.  Hidden.  Knocked down.  Because maybe my reality and my rawness in sharing it will allow you to have less shame.  I know that it's hard not to sit down in the shame and not ever want to get up again.  That this is not how it was supposed to be.  That this is not how you were supposed to feel.  Still, if you are looking around for what is wrong then it's not too late.  There is still time to find a way.  I can't tell you what the way is.  I don't even know how to get through my life except for one moment at a time.  But I can tell you that the One who loves you dearly, who made you purposefully, who looks at you just how you are without seeing disgrace, will walk with You.  He walks with me.  He covers me.  He gives me laughter in my mourning.  He is faithful each new day.  He is still with me.  And I hope that the knowledge that He is still with me even being as honest and as confused and as bad as I am will help you to get up and face one more day.  You still have a life.  You are still breathing.  And in life there are choices.  Hard choices.  Impossible choices.  But no matter what you choose, you are never abandoned.  That is huge for me.  The message I kept getting was that if I do the right things and act the right way then I would not be abandoned.  But, if I didn't then I was on my own.  What I've learned is that life is so complex and circumstances so convoluted that I can't even figure out what right is half of the time.  Being committed is right.....but to what or whom?  And to what degree?  What if one commitment interferes with another or a higher commitment?  How do you answer that?  I think I have to wrestle it out.  I think that it's not easy.  But, I think that when I'm being that honest, He is right there with me.  Still.  Even now.  Especially now.  Don't let your heart remain troubled.  Get it out for the moment and go to the next moment and have a good one.  The days will be full of both crying and distress, and singing and joy.  It will be FULL not empty. 
Welcome.  You are cared for.  You are treasured.  You were created.  You have purpose.  You are desired.  You are full of potential.  You have hope.  Because you have Him.  The maker of heaven and earth.  Who never changes.  Who never gets weary or tired.  So, let it go.  He will hang on....still. 

Sometimes

Sometimes it's hard not to get tired.  Not to simply wish that things could be easier sometimes.  That I could disappear for a few moments and just be.  Just breathe.  Just let out exactly what I am and how I feel.  Sometimes.  But, I am trying to learn how to grow up.  How to do the right thing.  Though, on here you would hardly know it. 
Sometimes, though, it seeps into my regular life.  My safe places in life.  And I have no recourse.  I can't explain.  I do not allow myself to explain.  Feel like it's just excuses. 
Sometimes I wish that I felt like it was ok to cry when I actually feel like crying.  Like it was ok to say how miserable I feel about going home.  How overwhelming it is.  How tense.  How cold.  How I can just barely put one foot in front of another.  But I haven't figured out how to make that better.  So, I keep just trying to face it as it is.  To really look at how it is.  Frankly, it was easier to coat it with other stuff. 
Sometimes I feel invisible.  I figure that I've done it to myself.  Gotten good at blending in.  At not being seen nor asked questions.  Not to deceive, but to survive.  To hold it all together.  To somehow make it work. 
Sometimes I wonder why being miserable wasn't enough to make me stop.  Sometimes I remember that it's because I've made a commitment.  That I'm a christian and need to make it work.  That I will slap in the face all I know and love if I fail.
Sometimes I get tired of being the one that is supposed to make it all work.  To make things alright.  But I keep on doing it. 
I think it will be better when my birthday is over.  Well, at least I won't be dreading that part. 
My heart is beating rapidly as I try to write wondering if he's coming in.  My brain hurts.  Literally.  My stomach has been in knots all day.  I'm a mess.  I just want to have fun.  Want to relax.  Want to sleep in a bed.  Without feeling like I'll be harmed.  Want to go to work when I need to....not early.  And tomorrow I will probably have to drive him again.  And it makes me physically traumatized.  Horribly. 
Sometimes I wish that I could just have what I need sometimes.  Without a fight.  Or an argument.  Or having to prove anything.  Or a competition. 
I like laughing.  Playing.  Hoping.  Dreaming.  Traveling.  Being home.  Reading.  Learning.  Creating.  I like living.  It's a gift.  A blessing.  I know that I have been created for a purpose.  I know.  Sometimes.  I just have to try to remember who I am.  I have to somehow give myself permission to be that person.  And it's hard.  Because all of the blame will fall on me.  And sometimes, I get tired of being the bad guy.  The bad person.  The one who is mean.  I get tired of people seeing me as all of those things.  It didn't used to be that way.  I want that back.  More than sometimes. 

Being Nice

I like being nice.  Hate to be grumpy.  Really.  Drives me nuts.  I am a generally happy person.  Stress is hitting me hard today.  The knowledge of the looming weekend.  So, maybe I can kidnap myself?  I just don't know what to do.  Stressed.  Don't want to dread going home.  And I do.  Don't want to dread spending my birthday there.  But I do.  Reality can really suck.  I'm trying not to feel guilty about the feelings I have.  Trying to just let them be feelings.  To give myself permission to feel.  Not so easy.  I am much better at getting busy.  At fixing it so that I am doing something else for someone else.  Facing how things are can be painful.  But, at the same time, strangely freeing.  To finally give myself credit and not hold it all in.  Although, I have to hold it in in my daily life.
That's the hardest thing.  Not being able to explain to people.  But, that is ok.

General Apology

I had to rant on my blog because it is safe.  But, it was not very kind.  I know it.  Although, I said a couple of things that made me laugh when I read back.  One thing it was is real.  It is where I really am.  But the reason blogging is better than having my rant at him is that he will simply pick apart my words if I talk to him when I'm emotional.  He will tell me how I'm saying it wrong.  He will tell me how I can't use generalities.  How I have to give specific examples.  He will make me crazy by hearing something completely different than anything I have said.  And.......in the end, he will turn it into being about how I should feel sorry for him.  So, instead of doing that, I ranted here.  So, I'm sorry for my temper tantrum.
When I talk to him, I want to have it straight in my mind.  I want clarity.  And that is hard.  Because this is hard.
This is just a hard week.  Soon it will be my birthday.  Too bad that thought makes me want to cry.  More and more I miss having a mama.  I guess it will be hard until the day I die.  Because it hasn't gotten any easier with the years.  Wish she was here to be glad that I was born.  Wish she wanted to be with me for my day.  Wish she could be the person who wants to make it a good day.  Who cares that it's a good day.  I feel in the way.  Like an imposition.  I just wanna' say, "we can skip it this year if it's such a problem."  Every year it feels like pulling teeth.  It's not something that is anticipated.  Planned for.  It is assumed that I will plan what to eat, buy it...then it will get cooked.  I dread the present.  Absolutely.  Last year I bought myself dishes and said that they were for my birthday.  And....they were.  No other gift.  No sense of, "but I wanted to do this special thing..." It's too bad because I've always really liked having birthdays.  It's just so hard to feel like I have to make the hoopla.  Like it doesn't matter.  I know it's not true, but I feel like I don't matter unless I happen to fit into everything else.  Last year he offered to take me out to dinner if I wanted to go where he had a buy one get one.  I know that being frugal is good.  I like it too.  But for some reason, in the midst of everything else, it seemed petty.  Like even on my birthday I wasn't worth it.  Like he couldn't put aside a few bucks to take me out where I wanted to go.  I declined.  Said I'd rather just eat at home with the kids.  Nobody ever knows.  I've covered well for him.  But the years are going by and it's wearing on me.  I don't want to live dreading those things that are important to me.  Dreading being hurt more.  Dreading having to be nice.  I ache inside.  Deep down.  And eve on good days, the ache is so real.
My second son asked me, of his own volition, what I wanted for my birthday.  How kind.  How sweet.  He had ideas.  He was planning. I almost wept.  Right there.  I want to make it for my kids, but living like this is not going to make me into a very great person.  Hurting and hiding and trying to fade into the woodwork isn't a good example.  But, I've got to wonder if they'll hate me.
What a week.  I think I'll go away for a day or so.  Just need to breathe.

iPissed

Just thought that there's iphone, itouch..........I am adding iPissed.  It is a little electronic device that lets people know how mad you really are.  I think that it could be handy in my married life.  Because he does not get, even one little bit, that I am absolutely aggravated by his behavior.  Pissed off.  That I think that he is a total.....donkey.  He has lost my respect.  And it goes faster and faster with the days.
He lacks integrity.  He lacks courage.  He lacks compassion.  He lacks generosity.  He lacks sympathy.  He lacks.....a wife who will continue to cover and put up with it.  I've done so for far too long.  I am hitting keys hard as I type this.  I am so done covering his behind.  Letting people think his life is so good and tidy.  Blech.  He asks me if I want to go out with a couple we went out with once a while back.  I say no.  He is all, "are you serious?  Why not?"  Well, because, I'll be darned if I'm going to sit in front of some near strangers and pretend that it's alright.  These last several years have been killer.  Fake. Ick. Ick.  Ick.  

Blaaahh.  I'd cry, but I have no place to wail.  I'd kick my feet, but my kids would worry.  I'd.......tell him to go screw himself, but that might be a pleasure, so I won't.
iPissed.

Are You Kidding Me?

I always wonder if some parts of my life are a joke.  But, sadly, they are not.  Some parts are way too true to be believed.  I have tried to wish them away.  Have tried to make it better by having a better attitude.  I've tried praying to be a better person so that he'll be happier and then perhaps treat me better.  But, all kidding aside, there is nothing that hurts more than realizing that the foundation is the problem. That it's not a few symptoms...those could be taken care of.  It's a systemic problem.  The bottom line is that he completely has no intention of ever bothering with making a real relationship.  He throws out a compliment now and then.  He does things that people tell him to do (for a time) to get what he wants.  But as far as our relationship being the result of something intrinsic, deep from inside....it doesn't exist.
And, so, some days I think....ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? I invested over 20 years of my life with someone who can't even give me the courtesy of bothering to know how I take my coffee.  Or what styles I like.  Or how to let me have my own feelings.  Just the simple things are even lacking.  It's sad.  It's frustrating.  And tonight I realized how forgranted he takes me......and yet, he'll throw out a thank you now and then for something he wants me to do again, "thank you for making dinner for me." But he doesn't connect.  He doesn't want to really know me.  He likes using me.  I finally get it.  I'm pretty easy to use. 
But, right now, not so much.  Right now, he knows that I don't give a rip.  I don't do his laundry.  I don't leave him a plate of food ready for whenever he decides to come home.  I've changed.  I don't meet his needs.  And THIS drives him crazy.  This makes him want me to get back in my box and make him happy.  But still, he doesn't get how I can't just make it go away.  It's a hurt that is intense.  It's a sense of betrayal and of being used and abused.  Of feeling that I haven't even been important enough to register a blip on his radar until it made him feel a little uncomfortable.  But, it's still about him.  What I DO for him.  I have a stomach ache and am shaking just writing this. 
How in the world was I so stupid?  Are you kidding me???  I am gullible on some things, but I thought that this was going to be the real deal.  I do remember right away wondering.  Even before we left the state we got married in....we moved the next day.  I remember having these doubts.  These feelings of how he would let others do things for him, pay for him.....even at our dinner that we had after our wedding reception. All of the people that came from out of town met up with us at a restaurant and many had come a great distance.  They had been there for us.  I thought that we should have paid for that dinner.  He never offered.  When our son got married he had his rehearsal dinner at a buffet......his dad didn't offer to pay for that either.  But, when we were in line I told him he needed to.  And I got the "worried look".  He acts as if we are next to starving to death. 
Ok, I'm ranting, I know.  But he just makes me crazy.  Not because I hate him.  Because I chose to love him.  Because I have lots of kids with him.  Because I used to wish it would work......and now all I wish is that he would go away so the pain would stop being perpetuated. 
He really blew it.  But, maybe not.  Maybe he got exactly what he wanted....I'm thinking that perhaps I really blew it.....I should have stood up for me earlier.

The World As I Know It

The world as I know it has ended.  And, to be perfectly honest, I have been quite busy mourning it's loss.  I know that it wasn't "real", but at least in my mind, I was going to have the perfect and wonderful marriage.  I was going to grow old in the contentment of knowing that I was treasured.  I've heard the words sometimes.  Usually to try to cause me to try one more time.  The words of how I am pretty.  Or unique.  But, they would fall on deaf ears now (not that I would be hearing them except for in the context of a fight and what he thought I was when we met).  The ears of my heart have learned what the ears on my head did not want to believe.  I am not the one that brings him joy.  I am not the person who lifts his heart by who I am.  Oh, believe me, I know him well enough that I can DO things that lift him up, but he doesn't just find pleasure in me.  In my being.  And, while I have tried for these last years to kindle a real and lasting relationship, I have found that it is as if there was a nuclear bomb and the world as I wanted to know it doesn't even exist anymore.  It is gone.  I have to make it in a new world.  With a new reality.
I'm learning that I can.  That I will.  Sometimes I am angry with him, mostly I just feel sorry for him.  And, then I'm angry.  And then I'm very hurt.  The hurt always remains.  Like a cloak.  Good thing, because maybe it will keep me warm from the fear that engulfs me.  He scares me.  Because he has a power to cause me to keep on going in a direction that I should no longer travel.  I need to travel in reality.  Though I get scared.  Though I keep on giving up.  Though it is uncomfortable.  I need to travel a bit at a time in a way that will be pleasing in the years to come.  In a way that brings healing over time.  In a way that brings peace and love and forgiveness.  This direction of simply faking it.  Of acting like I have a great marriage while he treats me as someone who is not worthy of him.  It is lethal.  It will destroy me.  I know it because it almost did.
I told him the world was changing.  He didn't believe me because he knows that he has always been able to "smooth things over" before.  He has been allowed, by me, unfortunately, to behave badly, to hurt me and to just keep living in relative comfort.  He uses guilt with me because I have allowed it.  Frankly, it's hard NOT to allow it.  Because of who I am.  He knows that at the core of who I am I will work my butt of to make things right.  I will give my all.  But, not for fake.  It turns out I learned something about myself.  I have a definite line.  I will give and give and give for those I love.  I will work.  I will sacrifice.  But, if over time, a long time, because I am patient, I learn that really I'm just being used, I will step back and reevaluate.  I have been used.  I am reevaluating.  Step by step.  Inch by inch.  But I am making decisions so that I won't continue to move in this unhealthy, detrimental cycle.  It never gets us anywhere.  Except back to another bad beginning.  Continuing to do the same things in the same way and expecting something different means I'm stupid.  And, I'm not.  So, I have to back off.  I have to ask for change.  Slowly.
I have to work for real.  Have to give.  Have to write.  Have to breathe.  Have to dream.  Have to know that God is my provider.  That He holds me.  Just like I am.  And I have to have the time to do that.  With people who see me.  Who know me.  Who care that I am whole.  And yes, even happy.
So, the world as I know it has changed forever.  And I'm not going back to the dangerous bombed out shell.  I am heading to new and safer lands.  By grace.

I Wonder

I wonder if I will ever really have the courage to stand for myself like I would stand for another.  I think I can.  And yet.....I really don't like to hurt others.  It's hard to do.  Though most would probably see me as harsh, to make the decision to go forward with anything that causes pain is really hard for me.
But, in this case, the discomfort of where I am causes me so much pain that I might be forced into action? 
I have learned a little more about how to take care of myself.  Have learned what it means to be married.  Have learned what I have done wrong.  I get it.  And I get that I simply am not the kind of woman he probably should have married.  Being miserable is not much fun.  Ever.  Even if you couch it in being spiritual.  It makes life so difficult.  It makes the days drag.  It makes time seem too long.  That is NOT a good thing.  Each moment is a treasure. It should be fully enjoyed. 
So, I wonder, will I live what I really believe or will I live a lie?  Easy to get comfortable in the lie.  Everyone seems comfy cozy.  Except for me.  But, making people happy is my job, right.....but, maybe not always.  Maybe, somewhere in there is room for me to be happy and treasured and special too. 
I'm not sure about it all.   But, I wonder.....and that wondering has changed me.  Wondering if perhaps all of the awfulness wasn't ok.  But, though a part of me says that it would be easier to just go back and pretend, another part....a part that is gaining strength, says that a life like that is not enough.  It does not honor God, nor me, nor any who might really want to get to know me.  Maybe somebody in the world actually would like the real me?  Or even need the real me?  What if she never gets her chance?  That seems ever so sad. 
So....I wonder......I wonder how to DO anything.  I wonder if anyone would understand how I got to this point.  I wonder if it matters, because a big part of me doesn't care.  I wonder if I'd have friends.  If my church would send me away.  I wonder so much.  And answers come as I wonder.   Slowly.  Bit by bit.  It's hard to grow a sense of myself being a reason to stand.  I hope that I learn.  But, I wonder.