Deep Breathing

So, perhaps I could use a Lamaze class.  To remind me to breathe.  To focus.  On something that calms me.  Lot of valid points there.  Does diddly when you are in labor....but it's good for life in general.  Ok, it probably did help, because who knows how bad it would have been without it, right? 
Anyway, this day is a gift.  Though it feels somewhat like a challenge, it is a gift.  I need time.
I was brave enough to tell him (again) this morning that I need time.  I want not to punish in any way.  I just need to heal.  Feels like the scab starts to form and it gets ripped off and I bleed all over again.  I need time so the scab actuallyheals.  And though there might remain a scar, at least it won't be as likely to get opened up over and over. 
But he always acts hurt.  Like because he said he's sorry I should be nicer.  And I know it.  I know what he wants.  But I simply cannot do it.  I simply cannot live a lie.  I know where I am.  I own it.  I will grow through it.  I will learn true forgiveness.  I know htat I will.  In time.  I do forgive, even now.  I just can't keep living the same way.  And honestly, how he treats our kids now hurts me more than it used to.  Those boys need respect.  They need encouraging.  They need to have time that isn't "this needs to be "done".  Less doing. 
I get punished.  and it hurts.  Regardless, this is Resurrection Sunday.  I am going to focus on it.  I am going to breathe deeply of the love of the One who does see, does know, does not guilt.  And I am going to make this an amazing day.  By HIS grace.  One little teeny weeny breath at a time.