No Way to Describe It

I keep trying to put to words how I feel and exactly what is wrong.  But the thing is that there is simply no way to describe it.  Last night reminded me.  It's just not the life I had hoped for.  And something else too.  It is the life I feared.  A life of accepting second best.  Or third.  Or fourth.  I am living a life that is full of unfulfilled dreams and hopes. 
The bible talks about how a people without a vision perish.  It's true when there is squelched vision too.  Where it isn't acceptable to have dreams or desires.  I know what he believes about me......and it isn't pretty.  The dismay in his eyes.  How I don't measure up.  And it hurts.  But, even more, it hurts that I can't seem to figure out a way to live free.  It's like I'm constantly struggling to get out of duct tape.  Just as I get a few fingers free, he comes by and seals it back up.  And I get too tired to keep on trying.
But I will not quit trying.  I will keep working at it.  I will keep believing.  Except on days when I just can't.  On those days, I'll just rest and not beat myself up for not being better.  At least, I'll try.  Not easy to do.
But as for now, I am writing in secret.  Up early though I am tired.  Dreading this day. 
Sad.  Nobody should dread a brand new day.  I will find a way not to.  Somehow.  To go THROUGH the pain.  Blah,  oh, I said that already yesterday.