Today

Today I made the choice to keep remembering who I am.  Who God made me to be.  I was exhausted.  Emotionally worn out, but I managed to make lunch after church.  Yes, amazing, I went to church.  I angle so that I don't see where he sits.  I was amazed that he took communion since he used to chastise me for taking it if I was in a disagreement with him.  But, that's neither here nor there.  I made it through church.  Until he started following me and trying to stand by me and was being really weird. 
So, I got home and made lunch.  Ate and laid down.  Exhausted.  Had a book, but was nearly asleep when I felt him sit down on the couch.  I say that I'm going to take a nap.  He stays.  He finally says that he knows that he has done stuff and that he has stuff to learn.  I just listen.  I'm really proud of that, actually.  Then he says but he misses me. I said thank you.  I think that's what I said.  I didn't say much.  He left.  Perhaps he wanted a dialogue.  A battle is probably what he expected.  I don't have a battle in me.  Want peace.  And I don't want to sit and figure out why I'm not enough for him.  I don't want to be with him for now at least.  I need time away.  I've said so.  I guess he hasn't listened?  Maybe he thinks if he acts nice and calls me dear then I'll feel better.  But, I don't.  It has been too long, and the things that hurt me most are not superficial but deep down habits.  I feel like he wants me to still make him feel better.  While still not understanding that he has nearly destroyed me by his habits.  He nearly obliterated any self that I had.  Any joy.  Any sense of being worthwhile.  But, he doesn't get it.  Doesn't get that I can't just make that go away.  It's not about forgiving.  It's about having forgiven it over and over but realizing that I have to make the choice whether to let it continue or not.  I told him point blank that I was getting to the point where I wouldn't be able to do that anymore.  A long time ago.  And I told him when it happened.  That I was too hurt, too emotionally distraught.  That if he didn't stop, didn't give me a break, there would be a time that I just couldnt' do it anymore.  The time came.  I am not tyring to punish.  Just trying to make it. 
I am happier being apart.  Not being with him, I breathe better.  I am learning to think again.  To feel like I have some gifts and talents.  To not feel like I'm irresponsible and troublesome.  He treats me as if he is a good guy for staying with me though I am how I am.  I want friends and people who like me for how I am.  Even understanding my quirks and oddities. 
It's a shame to me that in all of these years he hasn't bothered to hear me.  That even now, he doesn't want to figure it out, but wants to let me know that he has done some stuff.....he has no clue, it seems, of how deeply wounded I am.  As if I would be this detached for no good reason.  Shouldn't he know me well enough after all of this time to know how hard I try?  To know how much I LIKE to give?  To know how big of a heart I have?  Doesn't he know that for me to get  to this place is glacial?  HUGE.  Guess not.  And today, that made me hurt more.