Quibbling

I have always seen my husband as the "good guy."  As the likable one.  As the one that everyone looks at as an example.  And he does so many things that are on the nice list.  But, sitting last night, as withdrawn as I have become, I suddenly realized that there are two ways to bully someone.  Some people are really jerks and yell and push and threaten.  But, as is the case in my life, some, cry, look sad, behave like they are the one who has been wounded.  They act as if they see how grievous their behavior has been.  And it's so easy to get sucked into going back to how it was.  But, last night, I was finally detached enough to see that he really doesn't get it.  The way he has bullied me in life is by being the wounded one.  The one who tries so hard.  The one who just doesn't know why he behaves that way.  And, last night, it didn't make me angry.  It didn't make me need to fix it.  It was just what it was.  Correction, what it IS. 
And with all of this clarity came another realization....I don't owe explanations.  To anybody.  Ok, maybe to my kids.  To a degree.  But I realized that I don't have to worry about what to tell people or how to behave.  How they feel, what they think, what they do...that is their choice.  And their choices should not dictate my life.  It is very difficult to know that you are married to the adored one.  Because you know that no matter what you do, you never measure up to their stature in the eyes of others.  But I am learning again about the woman I used to be.  The woman who didn't mind being herself.  The woman who had real friends and real relationships.  Ones not based on how well I was doing.  What I could give.  Or how perfect I was.  Just friends.  Who liked me.  Loved me.  But I lost that view of myself because I have never been able to have my husband have that sense of me.  That's sad.  It's too bad.  But it isn't the end of the world.  I am learning.  To stand.  To be brave.  To rest in being cared for.  To relish the fact that there are those who have bothered with me and who continue to bother.  To enjoy my kids and how they know me.  And love me still.  Really know me. 
I won't squabble or quibble anymore.  I won't fight him or try to convince him.  He is a grown up.  He has made decisions.  I have made decisions.  This is where we are.  I will not intervene to make it easier on him or carry the load that needs to be his.  I will carry my load.  I will take my responsibility.  But I will not like like I did.  I was wrong.  Wrong to think that it was the right way to live.  To hold things together.  To smooth the road.  But, I don't regret that I made it this far.  I am glad.  Glad that my kids have gotten older.
I am glad that I woke up.  Glad that I didn't keep going.  Glad that each new day brings new choices.  Glad that I choose to keep growing.  Life is beautiful.  Even though circumstances can be hard.  There is so much good all around.  So much to be awestruck over. 
So, I will look for what is good and excellent.  I will enjoy.  I will drink deeply.  I will not waste my days in bitterness nor fighting.