The Peace of the Hard Times

I am learning about a peace that comes in the hardest of times.  It is not because the hard things end.  Nor because the hard things are GOING  to end.  It is that in spite of the hard times, in spite of what is happening, peace can overcome.  He is my peace.  He has overcome....there is victory.  Victory over the difficult times. Victory over pain.  By maintaining peace. 
I have lived for a long time allowing my peace to be robbed.  But others can't really take it from me....I have to give it away.  I am going to learn to hold onto it more tenaciously.  To call things what they are.  To be honest and not try to force things to be what they are not.  That is stressful. 
As in.....this is not a happy marriage.  It is not a healthy marriage.  And while that is sad and while that is painful, I don't have to walk around dragging guilt and shame and fretfulness along with me every day.  I can grab onto the peace that passes all understanding.  I can choose.  Though it is really hard.  And though it doesn't mean that I'll never freak out or never fall into the emotions of the times.  When I do, I can fall into the peace that I have learned to hold onto.  The deep sense of well being that permeates ALL circumstances.  Because my circumstances are always going to change, but the One who made me will not ever change.  He will never quit loving me.  Ever.  And, I will never have to "do better" or try to make Him like me more by being something other than what I actually am right at that moment. 
I want to make good choices.  I want to live well.  But I don't want to live always trying to do the "right" thing.  The "right" thing can vary from time to time.  But the basics remain true and steadfast.  I will be sheltered.  I will be carried.  I will sin....even if I don't realize it.  Even when I am trying hard to do well.  Keeping my heart and attitude and agenda and actions and inactions all in line every moment is impossible for me.  My only hope is in the One who is perfect.  And who covers me over with His perfection. 
Phone calls, emails, hard conversations, hard feelings, hurt feelings, unkindness, meanness, unfairness, blatant disregard for my well being....these will all happen.  And they have a tendency to throw me into a tail spin.  To irritate my tummy and my soul.  To make me lose sleep. 
I want to reclaim my Peace.  It is not for someone else to take away.  I have to remember Who gives it.  I need to remember to cling to it like a precious life saver.  Thrown out there with the intention of hauling me back into the safety of knowing that I am ok.  Always.  Every moment.  No matter what.
I worry.  I know that it's hard to be kind when I have such strong feelings about how terribly wrong things are in my marriage.  But I also know that if I lean on that peace I will learn to be more relaxed.  That I will find less cause to blame because it won't feel like he has stolen something valuable from me....my peace, my well being.  He does things that cause me those feelings.  That is SO true.  But I get to CHOOSE.  I get to choose peace....a happy heart.....moving on.....finding a way to salvagethe things worth keeping and putting the rest aside. 
One step at a time, I am moving toward peace.  Warily because I know that all hell can break loose when we speak to each other.  We are in a cordial though not pleasant place right now.  But it's superficial.  I still need time.  I still need to grow through this.  I still need to make it without him looking over my shoulder.  I need to recover from the pain and scars.  Can't say that I know exactly what it will look like in the end.  Just know how I need it to look at the moment. 
So it's a hard time....but there's peace in knowing that I'm not required to make it all better.  I tried for so long to make it better. 
Peace.  To you.  For you.  For me.  For him.  Because we are loved.  Deeply and completely.  As messed up as we are. 
blessings