Hard Work

Hard work is good for my mind and my body.  I am already sore.  Can't picture how tomorrow will be.  Digging.  Moving.  Wiping.  Shop vac.  Mopping.  Straightening.  Wall washing.  It gives me time to think.  Time to dream.  And I have realized that this is a big comment on my return. 
I mentioned the new regime awhile back.  It's interesting.  Taking my place in my world.  Without permission.  I've been awaiting permission for too long.  Whining instead of deciding.  It's the problem of being trod upon.  I believed it.  I bought the crap.  I thought that if it was my fault then I could fix it.  Not sure it's really anyone's fault.  I am angry and hurt and stunned and stung by the fact that I have never been the one that brings him that sparkle.  That sense of absolute cherishing.  It's not me.  I have never felt that from him.  I was willing to settle for a good man.  I would give him what he wanted.  Perhaps one day he would see that I was worth it.
But, over time, I became less worth it.  I didn't even respect myself.  I had a hard time finding good about me.  Beaten down is not a way to attract favor.  The plan never works if it involves having to try to be someone else.
So, in knowing these things, I feel peaceful.  To the degree that I can.
And it shows in my space.  I have a comfortable spot.  My second son walked in the living room, plopped down.  Said, "very good, see, I'm sitting here."  Then later, after table cloths went on, he came back and said, "it looks really nice."  I like the cleanness.  The newness.  It feels like I feel.
Have some things to work out, but I am fine at problem solving as long as there's not someone there saying that everything is hopeless.  I need a small, dependable car.  I need a good job.  With benefits  with enough time off.  You know, I truly am a teacher at heart.  Give me those summers and I'm good to go....Christmas to boot.  It's amazing.  I'm so ready.  Though it also terrifies me to have my own class again....still....God prepared me for this time long ago.  Gave me the ability to get back to it now.  Can't wait to see what there will be.
Yes, I do feel guilty feeling upbeat about thinking of separating.  But, I also feel incredibly peaceful.  And, I feel less guilty than wishing I were a widow.  I don't want to wish him ill for me to have what I need.  I'm learning that I'm allowed.  It's hard to realize.
No clue what it means to have biblical reasons to remove myself, but I do believe that God says not to worship anything above him...including marriage....that if it keeps me from being fully his then perhaps it does not honor him?  That's what has been on my heart.  It's probably simply rationalizing.  But, I believe He walks with me anyway.  I believe that He walks with him too.  Somehow, by the mystery of being able to be God.  And that is very good.