Thankful

I am working my buns off these days.  Hopefully literally.  Working so much leaves very little time to eat.  Or write....I miss the writing more than the eating.  The eating was becoming stress eating which makes me feel lousy. 
I am so thankful for working.  Guess what?  I don't shake at work.  It's super hard and I have a lot to learn, but I am surrounded by people who encourage and help and I believe in myself more now.  And that feels GOOD.  Really good.  Makes up for the fact that the nights will be short.  I am so thankful that God knew my need.  Not to sleep more....though rest is good too....but to be able to be appreciated.  To feel somewhat, though not amazingly, intelligent.  To be well thought of.  It is an amazing gift.
I feel like I'm getting a drink of water after a long, dry hike. 
Coming home can be hard.  But, I get to be here in the afternoon for awhile with my kids.  Whom I adore, by the way.  And no evening stress.  Which is a win/win. 
But, it continually makes me realize that I have little to offer in the way of intimacy to my husband.  I feel for him, but the pain of his behavior towards me, and towards our kids has totally squashed what could have been.  Choices.  We all make them.  Right now I have to do what it takes to keep on living.  I don't know what the future holds, but I know that today I need to be left to do what I have to to be in a place where I feel confident and sure again.  A place where I don't second guess all of the time.  A place where I am not continually stressed. 
I need to work.  I need to provide for myself and our kids.  I need him to let me have that time.  I need a good job and I need to go for it.  If for no other reason than I have been so beaten down about how irresponsible I am.  I need to prove to MYSELF that I am able and capable.  He has kept me in a place of uncertainty and I can't live there anymore.  I want to thrive not just survive.  I want to learn and grow and be willing to take risks.  I was becoming more and more careful.  Afraid to disappoint.  Afraid he'll be ashamed....more ashamed.  I don't think I care so much anymore.  I want to do what the plan is that God created me for.  And, for the first time in quite some time....I see that there IS one. 
Off to rest.  To live fully again.  Each moment.  Each hour.  Each day.  Each week.
And I want to earn a vacation.  Even if it doesn't make sense.  It is important....very important to me.