What

What could have caused me to accept anything less than beautiful?  To think that life could be shoved aside and simply tolerated or gotten through?  What could possibly have made me think that I was without enough value to stand up for myself?  What could have made me hide away who I was made to be?  What emotions?  What feelings?  What facts? What people? What situations? 
I have done a lot of looking back lately.  And I see a lot of beauty from my life.  But, I see a lack.  A lack of being 100% involved.  A lack of total enthusiasm.  A lack of the spiritual fervor that resides in my soul.  A lack of confidence.  A lack of hope.  And I have wondered, "what happened?"
I think I know.  I made choices.  I chose the way that kept me "safe".  That seemed good because it seemed more "spiritual".  I chose the way that would make someone else happier.  Nicer.  Easier to live with.  I chose the way that would keep my kids in a two parent family. 
But I gave up HUGE things.  And I wonder, "is it worth it?" Maybe it was for a time, but as of now, I see that I only get this one shot to live.  To be remembered by my children.  I only get this day one time ever.  I have spent an awful lot of years squelching living.  Being afraid.  Terrified even.  Because if what I knew and felt ever came out then what would happen?  The world would end as I knew it. 
But it never ends as He knows it.  His view is much larger. 
And, lately, as I have realized His great love, His pursuing, I have realized that He doesn't want me to live in fear.  He doesn't want me to live giving only a part of what He gave me to give.  He doesn't want me to put a burden on me that wasn't mine to carry. 
I know that it's not a good thing to wish it would end.  I get that.  But, what if it's better than what I could think?  Or have thought?  What if this is a good alternative to other bad choices?
I don't know.  But I know Who does.  I will rest in that.