Quiet Heart

My heart is still.  Quieted.  Peaceful.  Though it was hard, it was possible.  I am not a wimp.  Though these days I sometimes feel as if I am.  I am full of courage.  I face difficult things with strength, a sense of humor and hope.  That is why this time of life is so difficult.  I have to find a way.  I want to make it and make it well.  But I want to remind that I am worth every effort.  I am not some charity case.  I don't have to fall over if with thankfulness if someone acts as if I am worth something.  Because I am.  For real.  I have gifts. 
Lately it hasn't felt like it.  I feel so at a loss.  Like I don't know how to do much of value.  I forget that the standard isn't outside of me.  I have to make a standard.  And enjoy God's standard.  I do not have to spend my life trying to figure out somebody else's standard for me.  It's easy to fall into.  I enjoy seeing people content and happy.  I am not a servant by nature, but I enjoy learning how to serve better.  And that is good.....unless it causes me to doubt my value.  Unless I start to think that my value comes from if others are happy.
Don't get me wrong.  I want to give.  Want to live a life that cares.  But in that caring, I have to include myself as well.  I forgot that.  And that is my fault.
I feel sad for my husband.  Because he doesn't know that I really gave it my all.  He doesn't know that the physical hurts that I feel continue....and when they flair up, it reminds me of how much he used me.  I know that having time to heal is a good thing.  He is able to apologize.  But, he tries to make me feel guilty on a regular basis.  And that hurts.